So last night we got Taco Bell for dinner. I had a coupon for 2 beefy burritos. I added cottage cheese to mine and it was absolutely incredible. I didn’t eat the tortillas to cut out calories. I took a massive poop earlier and hopefully that took some weight off.
I spent most of my night cleaning out the vacuum and talking to my friend on the phone. I’m still pretty pissed to hear that my friend was talking shit about me in front of my kid. I honestly hope she calls me one day because I have plenty of issues to bring up.
This world is such a fucking joke and I’m so happy that now I don’t have to tolerate anyone’s bullshit. I don’t have to pretend to care about anyone or feel obligated to hang around with them. It’s nice that I finally get to call the shots in my own life. I even told my daughter last night that I’m going to just stick to myself. Other than my 2 friends that are long distance, I’m not going to attempt to have friends here.
I think badmouthing someone’s parent where there’s a kid present is the most disrespectful thing you can ever do. I honestly believe that my daughter has heard more negative about me than anything positive. Seriously I wish that if people didn’t like me and didn’t have a good opinion that they would JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! If I’m so awful than why the fuck do you want anything to do with me?
If you don’t like me and feel the need to talk shit about me where my child can hear it, you should probably stay away from me for your sake and mine.
I realize after all this that it would probably be a good idea to not be super vocal or open about my life with anyone and don’t ask anyone for shit ever again. Clearly whatever you say or do will be held against you and will become a massive issue. I was reading something the other day about how if you just always talk about your problems people are going to start to wonder if it’s you.
It’s funny how much control everyone had who watched my child. My friend would always tell me to go out after work but then text me asking when I was on my way. When it was HER IDEA! If she believed I worked the next morning and was going to go straight home and go to bed, my daughter was good to spend the night. If she even offered for me to go out, she made sure I picked her up right after work. I asked my daughter last night if I could go out on Saturday after work and she said yeah as long as I brought her snacks. It’s crazy how I can have more freedom with my daughter than I ever had with anyone watching her.
My friend helped, but with conditions. It was control disguised as help. I am so happy that I no longer having anyone controlling me through my child. I no longer have to answer to any of these fucking people.
I get that most of the people around you don’t give a fuck about you at all. Most of the people around you talk shit about you. I don’t believe that anyone gives a genuine fuck about you, you pain, your problems. They just care to see your emotional reaction and have something to talk about.
My life was a complete and utter nightmare for a very long time and I’m just trying to move past it. It’s bullshit that the people around me have done their absolute best to keep me stuck on the negative. Well, I’m going to be happy whether I have people in my life or not. I have no problem leaving anyone behind. If I can’t be happy with people around me, then I’m going to go off and be happy by myself.
I used to think that people really cared about me and my child but I’m realizing more and more that I spent years lying to myself. People care when there’s drama going on because they want to hear about it. They don’t care that it was your life and you struggled just to breathe everyday. They care about having something to feed off of.
It’s a good idea to keep most of the things to yourself unless you have a therapist. You just don’t know if people genuinely care or need new things to talk about with everyone else. I don’t think anyone should ever really know you.
Abuse has touched me more than love ever has. I used to think that as long as I had a one or two people to care about my daughter and myself, I’d be alright but I realize now more than ever that no one really does. I also don’t appreciate how I’m to overlook abuse when it’s coming from someone that’s ‘helping’ me. It’s like I’m to look past my friend talking shit about me in front of my daughter because she was watching her. Um no, abuse is abuse. I’m looking at the negative way more than I’m noticing any positive.
I remember every time my daughter was at my Mom’s or my friends house, it was always in the back of my mind that it’s only going to work out for so long. It was just taking a huge toll on my mental health having to stay in regular contact with my friend. I would dread texting her everyday, even on the days I didn’t need her to babysit. I was just so worried that if I didn’t, she would say that I was using her. I also went to her BBQ the other day because if I didn’t, she would probably have talked shit.
I would think at least once a day that I was one minor inconvenience from shutting down and giving up. I was so sick of having to drive 10 miles out to pick her up and I’d want to just go in and get her but then I felt that was rude so I’d come in and visit for like an hour and we’d both stink like cig smoke and pot and then we’d get home where it’s late and we’re both exhausted and then we’d go lay down and make bedding stink. Like it was all just too fucking much.
The biggest thing I’ve learned is people just don’t change. Everyone is set in their ways and it doesn’t matter how it affects you.
My daughter told me last night that the night my Mom wanted me to pick her up so she could go to the bar, she looked on her phone and my Mother had texted her little man friend saying how she had no freedom and she was always stuck watching my kid. I just wonder how that made my daughter feel and again, my Mother was the one that wanted to watch her.
I seriously just thank God every fucking day that I no longer have to deal with this shit and more importantly, neither does my kid. There is no way any of this shit is okay and I’m so thankful that it is no longer something to stress over. I don’t appreciate how anyone has made my daughter feel and I’m absolutely enraged by how everyone was there to ‘help’ and then became evil later.
My daughter and I have been greatly affected by crazy, nasty, terrible people and I am going to make sure we aren’t ever again. I’m happy to just stick to myself and not have to worry about anyone making my little girl feel like she’s a burden.
After everything I’ve been through, I seriously think the secret to life is to be as self sufficient as possible and never even attempt to rely on other people. Don’t ask anyone for anything and be careful when venting and just how much you say and how you say it. I think people absolutely feed off drama and want to hear yours because it sets off dopamine in their brain.
I like being able to have relationships with people that I feel happy and comfortable with. I no longer have to feel obligated to hang out with people or be in regular contact.
My biggest thing is I just really wish that both my Mom and my friend would have been more direct and just said they are only willing to watch her like a couple of days a week and for a limited time than make my daughter feel like she was a problem. I don’t have any respect for anyone that makes my daughter feel like she’s just in the way because there was a night that wasn’t fitting their narrative. Pretty crazy how everyone is good with shit until they’re not and then they can’t communicate it the right way.
My best friends Mom called a little bit ago and she completely agrees with me on how I see things. She understands about people that cut you out of their lives and helping them stand on that decision. I think sometimes the best thing you can do for YOURSELF is just be done. Shut the fucking door and lock it.
Things could have definitely been handled differently by both my Mom and my friend and I honestly can’t make room in my life for people who lack accountability and refuse to communicate effectively. I’m tired of how much negative bullshit my kid has heard and I’m going to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I feel like if people can’t have a healthy relationship with me that’s at least civil, I question how healthy they can be for my daughter.
I’m honestly pretty glad that everyone has no only shown their true colors, but did it so fast so I know to cut them off instead of things go good even longer and then it’s even harder to make sense of it.
Again, all this factors in to everything in life is temporary. This is why you never get too attached or think too highly of anyone because it can all change in the blink of an eye. I’m the type of person who you can love you with my whole heart but still never speak to you again. Once you caused me enough headache and pissed me off enough times, I’m going to cut you off for good.
I’m annoyed that I’m up 4 pounds. I wanted to be down that 4 pounds by Monday morning. I know I’ve drank a lot of water on my days off but this is driving me crazy. I just need to get down 24 pounds to my goal. I work tomorrow which will help because I take my upper and that makes me crave drinks with caffeine.
I honestly feel like people just want to fuck with my happiness. It’s like people aren’t happy unless they’re inflicting chaos. Well, I have no problem cutting any motherfucker off too. I can also move and change my number and make it impossible to reach me. I refuse to have any more chaos in my life. I don’t care if it means I’m going to be alone forever or not. I NEED my peace. I’ve lost weight and my numbers are incredible across the fucking board and I’m going to keep it that way. Stress spikes your blood sugar and I am not going to allow anyone to stress me the fuck out anymore.
Before I came back, my A1C was 6.8 and now? It’s 6.0! It’s almost as if I’m not diabetic! Guess what? It’s going to stay that way. I had nothing but cortisol in my veins for so long that my body didn’t take anything else and now that things are peaceful, it’s showing! It’s just hard to accept that if you want peace then you just have to rock alone because people tend to bring a lot of bullshit into your life!
I think a lot of people want to hear the bad because it’s entertainment and it takes away from their own misery. I don’t know if people always mean to be fueled by drama but I think they like hearing that someone else is going through something worse so they can forget about their own problems but the issue is when they aren’t letting you let your own hurt go. It’s like they want to just keep it fresh because once the dust settles and you don’t care anymore than shit gets boring.
It’s just so nice to know how people really feel after I went through the absolute worst fucking chapter of my life. It’s great that support comes with abuse and conditions. I truly see everyone in a much different light than I ever have and I can’t un see it. I have seen true colors and they’re very ugly.
I really don’t like the way I feel about so many people in my life. It’s just a feeling I can’t shake. I don’t know if I’ll ever care to be even on a talking level with my Mom or my friend ever again. It’s also bullshit that even if I got a chance to talk about their behavior, it’s not going to do anything. Once people are sure they are right, there’s no changing that.
Loading comments...