We woke up and my daughter started having a meltdown because her neck was itching. I’m now worried that could be the start of head lice. But I definitely got mad. I am so sick of her acting like this every morning. I told her that we can’t do this shit anymore. I’m so tired of waking up and starting my day upset. She’s having her sleepover tonight and I told her that they better stay out of stuff and I better not come home to the house a wreck or there won’t be another sleepover.
I’ve had my sandwich for breakfast and now I’m having water with lemon, liquid iv, and lemon. I try to drink at least some water everyday. I know they say to drink a gallon a day but I don’t think that’s helpful because then you’re just peeing out nutrients that your body needs. I’m doing better with water these days. I remember going MONTHS without even a drop so as long as I drink a good amount everyday, I’m better than I was.
It’s rainy and dark but kinda warm so I’m trying to decide on wearing jeans or shorts. I got my new pair of jeans last night and they fit so I’m happy about that. I have a belt coming as well. There’s one at my Mom’s but I’m not even going to text to try and get that.
I have realized in the past few months how important my peace is and I refuse to let anyone disrupt it anymore, even if it means that I rock alone. I am so happy that my diabetes is under control, I’ve lost weight, I have fixed most of my physical issues due to stress and I am not going to allow any more drama and bullshit into my life at this point. I’m finally not just thriving off high cortisol and I’m not going to allow it again.
I just feel that the main thing is to stick to myself and keep my eyes on the goals I have. Being self sufficient and keeping a safe distance from everyone is key. I think it’s imperative to be aware of the kinds of people you are dealing with. You are what you show me and if what you show me is affecting my daily life, income, or mental health, I’m going to keep you as far away from me as I can.
I can’t even describe how much better things have gotten now that my daughter watches herself. It’s not a fun thing to realize that your child’s stability and your ability to pay your bills is contingent upon how much you are willing to tolerate by whoever is babysitting. I’ve lived this for almost 9 years now and I can finally breathe. That’s why it’s so funny when BD talks about being the victim. He has NO FUCKING IDEA the mental torture I have gone through just so that I can keep a fucking job!
I just don’t understand how he hasn’t seen her in a year and I finally heard from him for the first time in 6 months and it’s just him threatening me with a mediator. Like, how do you do that? He doesn’t even bother to ask how his child is doing. He just dives right in on drama and conflict. He didn’t get the reaction he wanted though, I just didn’t respond.
I think a lot of the time people engineer situations so as soon as they’re bored or they want to make trouble, they are able to create a problem. I think that is why my Mom offered to babysit and my friend offered all the shit she did. They want to make sure they have a baseline. They have to make sure that they have been wronged and you are the problem. Again, this is why it’s so important to not need anyone, especially long term and you don’t have it in your mind that they are going to be around long term. I think everyone is toxic to a point and that’s why it’s so important to keep your distance, protect yourself.
No matter what they do, they are the victim. They are going to create situations to feed that narrative. I’m just glad that now, I don’t have to worry about ANY of these motherfuckers affecting my peace or my mental health. There’s no point in even attempting a rational conversation with these people because they’re not wrong and nothing gets resolved anyway. You protect your peace by just leaving it alone and cutting ties. You don’t need to have that one last conversation. Nothing that would be said on either end is going to change a fucking thing.
Once someone gets it in their head that they are the victim, there’s no changing that. With narcs, once they’ve decided you’ve wronged them, there’s no going back.
I remember every night she was at my Mom’s or my friends house I was thinking that at some point I’m just going to shut down and give up because I was so tired of worrying about her safety and well being at both places. I worried more about my daughter than I ever did when I was at work. I was physically there but mentally I was a a million miles away.
My trust in people is completely gone. I honestly thing that most people are friends with you simply to hear your problems so they can have something to talk about. I don’t think anyone really cares about you. I think most of the time they don’t care about your problems and if they do care, they’re glad you have those problems. I think from here on out, I am going to be more aware of what I tell people simply because I don’t think they really care anyway and if they do care, it’s from the wrong reasons.
It’s like she literally was always questions the same things. If she truly felt that I was lying or that I was just out to use her, then why be my friend? Make it make sense. I truly felt that I was constantly over explaining the same things because she didn’t believe me. I also understand about how people will say things just to provoke you. She definitely did that quite often. I seriously think she wanted me to snap off so she had a reason to get mad and not watch my kid. I think she had her reasons to treat me like shit.
When you feel like you can’t lay down boundaries or stand up for yourself, you are being abused. I think when people are put in a position of power, they absolutely will abuse it. I know that dealing with all these people has changed my personality. There’s been plenty of times someone has said something hurtful and I just absorbed it. I was always in a situation where I had to or there would have been consequences. Serious ones.
I will never again be around anyone that makes me feel that I can’t have boundaries, I can’t stand up to them or address their behavior. I will never again be in a situation where I’m not allowed to call someone out and have to worry about how it’s going to affect my life.
It’s like my friend would keep my daughter overnight if I worked the next morning but was super adamant about me coming to get her right after work if there was talk of me going out, even when she said it was ok for her to spend the night. It was a complete abuse of power and I didn’t dare say anything. People want to be in a position where they can treat you however and you know better than to address it.
I think her issue is because she was an alcoholic and needs a new liver that she didn’t think it was fair that my daughter could spend the night so I could go out. I think she was definitely projecting her own bullshit on to me.
If everyone had such a fucking issue watching my kid, why didn’t they just say no? Well, because they wanted that control over me. They needed to feel like they were important and put themselves in a place where later they could be the victim. It’s very cold, calculated, and manipulated.
It’s absolutely mind blowing what I’ve put up with and how fucked up people are. It’s so nice that I do no have to deal with any of this shit ever again. The weight of the world has finally been lifted off and I don’t have to be controlled or abused anymore. No one gets to weaponize my child and I will make sure they never get to again.
I’m angry that my child read that text on my Mom’s phone stating that she has no freedom and she’s always stuck babysitting when she was the one that wanted her and just because it went against her narrative for that moment, doesn’t mean that she needed to put it out there to someone that I was taking advantage or make my daughter feel that she was just in the way. I don’t know if my Mom just didn’t remember that my daughter knows how to read or just didn’t give a fuck in the heat of the moment but I do worry that my daughter could have internalized this and makes her feel some type of way.
I asked my Mother numerous times if she wanted to go out and I could just take the night off and she was adamant that she’d watch her so I don’t appreciate being told that it’s fine but clearly it’s not. I would have really appreciated honestly with her and my friend and as soon as they felt it was too much or they wanted a night off that they would have just told me and I could have changed my schedule. That would have been the best way to go about this then a bunch of fucking drama.
After everything I’ve gone through this is the last shit I would expect from people that acted like they cared so much about me and my daughter. No, they are just as awful as everyone else. Again, no one gives a fuck as much as they make you think they do. They want to help until they don’t. It’s like they’re great for awhile until they decide they need to stress you out and make life harder for you and then they get to be the fucking victim.
It’s a huge relief that I will never again be put in that predicament and I definitely appreciate everyone who’s been super supportive of her being home alone and I thank God that I live in a place where it was actually my probably managers idea and I know she mentioned this early on and I forgot because everything was okay at the time but I’m just grateful my kid is at the age that she is and the maturity level because otherwise, I’d really be up shit creek.
I’ve always been the person to say, “everything happens for a reason” and, “it is what it is” but part of both of those statements is truly understand that everything is temporary. Where there’s time there’s change. Nothing is forever. If you can’t change a situation, you have to change the way you look at it. That situation is going to change you more than you’ll ever change it.
People are set in their ways and they are going to create the situations where they are comfortable even at the expense of your discomfort. These situations changed me more than I was going to change them.
I used to be a highly reactive person and very high strung and after having to absorb abuse and keep my fucking mouth shut so many times, I’ve learned there’s nothing in this world to get out of pocket for. Learn to give your silence because your words honestly don’t matter. No matter what you say and how you say it, it’s not going to change a motherfucking thing. People are going to do what they’re going to do.
I can honestly say I’ve learned more about human nature in the past 3 years and about life then I have in the decades I’ve been on this planet and I can honestly say that I realize now more than ever how much better off I am on my own and keeping everyone at a distance. I used to get so angry back when I would need help and not one person came in clutch. Now, after all this, I am super happy that I managed to figure it ALL OUT without help.
I’m going to get a vape and then going to pick up these kids.
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