3/2 in Whatever Will Be Will Be

As ever- I hope to actually reply to notes but I can’t make any promises. Hopefully, some of what I write here will go some ways towards responding to some elements as well.

First, I want to say something that may be met with resistance or anger. I don’t want to break up with Hermia. That’s not the feeling I have right now. And I don’t know why exactly. I know some of my reasons aren’t terrific like “convenience” but they aren’t all that poor. All the same, I need to feel emotionally supported and/or safe in a relationship. AND I need to have time for myself to restore especially as work spirals more and more out of hand.

So, on the way to the show last night- I was informing Hermia of how tired I was and told her that I even had a little road rage earlier when a car refused to go forward at a red light until the yellow. And it wasn’t a car turning left, it was a car going straight… on a road where it was unlawful to pass them… just sitting in the intersection (likely lost). That always bothers me. And Hermia said that she has never seen me really have road rage and it devolved into a conversation about masking. And she asks if I mask around her. And I said that of course I do. Which really upset her because she felt that if I’m masking around her, she doesn’t actually know who I am. But we arrived at the Theater and she had to get out.

The show went really well! All the things that didn’t work at Final Dress got fixed and it was great! A fact I told Hermia. And then Hermia, speaking with another friend, said that even Nana liked the show. Nana, who specifically had told Herma “I don’t like musicals and I’m not going to one”. Nana who, apparently, expresses nothing but criticism, negativity, and contempt. Specifically told Hermia several times through the day how much she had appreciate the show. Cool!

Hermia said that she was really hungry and could really use stopping at McD’s. All the while repeating over and over again, “I’m sorry.” Because she knew how tired I was and felt like asking for McD’s was too much but she was hungry. I let her know that… it was fine. Nala’s been home alone all day so when we get back to my place, we’ll have to stay up a little bit more anyway so that she can get some outside time and some running around time. We grabbed McD’s, we grabbed her dog. I apologized that I didn’t have his blanket because he threw up on it last week and it has been in my washing machine waiting to be laundered since. As I haven’t had sufficient time this week to do laundry. We get everything together, we get to my place, we let the dogs play, we go downstairs. We’re watching some comedy when the question of truth comes up. Hermia says that she always wants to hear the truth and I can’t remember if I scoffed or outright said, “No you don’t.” Which became a conversation on if I’m ever less than truthful with her. And I said that I already find myself doing quick edits in my head whenever I speak because sharing my actual opinion is usually met with criticism or argument. She wanted a specific time that had happened. I mentioned last night. When you asked me what I thought of the show, and I told you, and you got upset. If you want to hear something specific, ask me about the specific thing. If you want my general opinion on something, it’s not cool to get upset with me because I didn’t mention the thing you specifically wanted me to. She retorted that she was upset because my comments had made it seem like I had only gone to the show to criticize, pick apart, and judge. Which… really? I’m in theater… I am a huge supporter of local theater and love watching my friends perform. I’m a big fan of a lot of the people involved in this show. I came to enjoy the show. But the difference between a DRESS REHEARSAL and THE SHOW is that Dress Rehearsal is your last time to make errors, adjustments, and solve issues. Not to mention HOW COULD ANYONE WHO KNOWS THE SHOW NOT HAVE IMMEDIATELY NOTICED THE BOOTS WERE NOT RED?! But… whatever. Best I can factor, and told her so, that response was largely predicated on her own past trauma. If Mom is always criticizing and judging- then it is what you start expecting from everybody, I suppose.

But by opening that conversation, Hermia began to lean in. I’d mentioned that I mask around her, I mentioned that I am editing myself, I mentioned that I am not always perfectly truthful with her… what more is going on? I told her that we did have a conversation we needed to have about all of that, but I wanted to do it when her show was over because it involves a lot of talk about schedules and the like and her schedule will be entirely different in 10 days. But she pressed more and got.... some of it… out of me.

I mentioned that lately, I’ve been feeling the way I did in my marriage- which is a lot about energy and cycles of support. I went into some detail as to why I do the things I do… growing up, I was either picked on or “included out of obligation, pity, etc. I was never needed. It was never “I’m glad he’s here because he really made a difference!” So I realize that in my relationships, I always try to fit needs. You have a need, I’m practically compulsive trying to make sure I take care of it… because I want to be needed. Which probably isn’t healthy. She asked what in the relationship was bringing this on. I mentioned things like this weekend. I haven’t had sufficient time to bathe properly this week, let alone dishes, laundry, Nala… anything. And this weekend? Show and Overnight turning into all day with you and Brad turning into Sunday with Brad and squeezing in a Nala grooming. Hermia was surprised and offended by my characterization. She specifically said, “I thought this weekend was okay because you wanted to do that.” And I told her, “No. Not really. I saw a need in your life and as someone who cares about you, I wanted to make sure that need was handled.”

We got into it a little more but… after the week and day I’d had… 1 am isn’t exactly a GREAT time to have emotionally heavy or serious conversations. I’d been Dead on My Feet all day… now 17 hours after I’d first woken up my brain wasn’t doing super. So I honestly have NO idea what I said or what she said. I remember discussing how, emotionally, I really was feeling an awful lot like I did during my marriage. Where I’m spending so much time and energy on someone else’s life that I literally have zero time and energy for my own. Then I remember going to bed, realizing I hadn’t taken my pill, taking my pill, then going back to bed.

I wake up at around 9 am. Hermia asks if I remember getting out of bed at 3 am. I do not. She said I got out of bed, went to the couch, and went back to sleep. She got up to let the dogs out, saw me, and we had a conversation but I wasn’t making any sense. The words didn’t connect to each other or any actual sentence structure. She worried that I’d had a stroke. She brought me back to bed and then at 6 am, I woke up to let the dogs out, came back to the room and we had another conversation that I don’t recall which was also not making any sense. She specifically said, “If it happened again or if you didn’t wake up just now, I was going to call for an ambulance!” And.. well… yeah… that’s all very scary… but should also go a fairly long way to demonstrate how absolutely wiped out I am. But… after that? Hermia doesn’t speak. Isn’t her chatty self. Isn’t acting like she usually would. This is 100% “I’m upset but we’re not talking about it right now.” Having had that as a big part of my marriage- one thing I really wish women who do this would do? Is to say those words. JUST SAY THOSE WORDS. You can continue to be silent all you want. But actually ARTICULATE that you are upset but do not wish to speak about it yet. Because the “I really get the feeling you’re upset” being met with continued silence is… an issue. Something she did communicate with me was that her Mom will watch Brad tonight. And tomorrow. So I could just drop her and the dog at her place, grab Brad and have the rest of my weekend. Sure, fine. Okay. So we load the dog in the car, drive to her place. I feed the cats and ask if she wants me to put her dog away. She says no and says getting Brad will be a walk. Makes sense! Nana isn’t that far away from Hermia, it is a lovely 60 degree day, that makes sense. She then tells me, “What’s going on can’t be fixed quickly. After all, you said you wanted to wait until after the show anyway.” KIND OF… out of the blue, there. But… okay. Like… that wasn’t in response to anything that had been done or said that hour other than the continuation of the Hermia Being Quiet. But okay. So we get the dog outside on lead, when I notice Hermia’s hands are already full between Cane and Water Bottle… I ask if she wants me to take the leash. She tells me she hadn’t anticipated me going on the walk at all. That I was “free to leave” and she’d walk the dog on her own. I.... oh. Okay. I’m thinking one of the fatal flaws to the “I’m not talking to you” emotional response is I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. After saying what she did, however, she realizes why I offered… asks me to hold onto the leash for a minute while she puts her Water Bottle back inside. She comes back out. Takes the dog. Starts walking away. Then says “I’m not giving you the cold shoulder. I’m not Nancy. And I really wish you’d stop comparing me to her.” And then continued to walk off.

So, I’m back home right now. Finally doing laundry and giving serious thought to taking a long bath to ease some of this excessive seriously enhanced by exhaustion body pain. And sitting in the middle of the fall out for what feels like the fourth “we’re probably breaking up” argument of this 8 month relationship. And I can articulate some points on why I don’t want to break up. Like… I honestly find Hermia interesting. I think she is attractive. We have several things in common. I appreciate her unique perspective. Nala is wildly in love with her (literally sprinted to her when we got home last night.... happier to see her then me, lol. It would make Theater shit pretty awkward on a lot of fronts… not least of which being known as “The asshole that broke the Blind Girl’s heart”. And I’ll be honest… there is a not insignificant feeling there of “I would rather be perpetually exhausted and hollow than try to tackle this nightmare bullshit reality that is Adult Dating in the 21st Century”… wealthy attractive people are being interviewed for “Why is this the worst thing in the world” articles… we’re getting back VERY REAL data all the time on how being alone will kill you, and Dating Apps consistently destroy self-esteem and enhance both depression and anxiety.” And I do wonder… if maybe I’m just… too much. I mean… an aggressively busy criminal prosecutor being slammed with vicarious trauma… who is also a passionate Stage Actor… who is a nerd that wants to make sure there is time/room for Anime/SciFi/VideoGames/Film/Friends… who wants to take care of animals and a house… while dealing with my own physical and mental decline.... yeah. That… that feels definitely like I’m too much. So… no wonder… the people I try to approach want nothing to do with me… but the women that pursue me tend to be the ones that.... I suppose I should say even if they don’t realize it, the needy ones find the guy that compulsively tries to meet people’s needs. Hrm. How do you suppose that happens, I wonder? How is it that the people I try to pursue “get” on some unconscious level that I’m just too much while the women who pursue me “get” on some unconscious level that I’m the guy that gives until he collapses?

So where am I right now? To be honest, I’m really not sure. If this were a sitcom, I’d write in some… devastatingly attractive raven-haired woman bumping into me at the store and there’s that “Oh, what’s going to happen?!” in the audience. But this isn’t a sitcom. And as much as we like to say “Write your own story” the massive caveat there is that not a single one of us is entirely in control of everything. I still 100% consider myself in a relationship. I am still dating Hermia and she is my girlfriend. Will that continue? I don’t know. When will we speak next? I do not know. Should I call her at some point or wait for her to call me? I do not know. Am I watching Brad on Wednesday, or Thursday, or Friday, or Saturday, or Sunday? I do not know.

So.... that’s where we are.