Where to start. Well I can remeber things from when I was 10, so I will start there.
It seems when I turned ten that is when I started to change for the worse. I was getting teased at school and I started to gain a lot of weight and I became depressed because no one was helping me. I complained to the school principal to talk to these boys but of course the boys lied and then they didn’t believe me so that went on till highschool.
I never did have a lot of friends infact I think the people who I tried to play with were just playing because the grown ups were watching but I am not sure. And at home my parents wouldn’t get the boys to stop teasing me so I was basically on my own. And then I started to think that maybe there is something wrong with me because I was struggling with my school work and my grades were never above a C+. And I had to go to summer school every year till I was in grade 11 because my grades were that bad. I tried so hard to get better grades but I just couldn’t get them. And then when I graduated grade 12 I got to go to isreal for more then a year and see the country. I even went to work on a Kibutze and I didn’t last long there.
Then when I came back I got a few jobs but none of them lasted especially if they had to do with money and giving change out. Some people just didn’t have the patience for me and always fired me so I don’t have much of a work record that I will be collecting a lot of benifits.
And because I could never hold a paying jib for very long I spent most of my adult life doing voleteer work and I did much better at that. I did that for more then 10 years and I was working at the main food bank and a small one in the city I was living in. But then the management changed and they decided to not let em do the job I was doing but instead get big comapnies to come in like twice a year or something so I just stopped working there. And all the people I worked with all stopped working there also. But those 10 years or so I really felt like I was contributing someting to my self worth. And I was even happy then.
When my son was born that was when my parents really changed for the worse. They didn’t like my sons father, but then I don’t blame them he was a unemplyed drunk and didn’t do much for the family dianamics and wouldn’t get a job. He was about 40 then and told me that he already worked 20 years and it was enough so we had to go on welafare. And my parents had told me that they were not going to have any relationship with my son because of his dad. So for something like 12 years he never knew my moms parents. And when he did get to meet my grandmother my grandfather had already died. And he only got to see my grandmother on occassion. So he could never really have a relationship with her and then she died a few years later. But he did have a relationship with my dads mother which I thought was really good and they saw each other a lot.
I have never forgiven my parents for how they treated my son in his early years of growing up and that is when I stopped seeing them also. And when I did talk to them all they talked about was how fat and unhealthy I was and I need to do this and that and that they would evenpay for it. So I went on weight watchers more then once but I always gained my weight back plus some more.
Everytime I did see my parents the look they had on their faces was so hurtful and I just got more depressed and they couldn’t undertsand why. Then one day I told them and the reaction my mom said was even more upsetting. She told me to snap out of it and get a job or something and get out to walk. But then I was stuck because how can I do anything when I don’t feel like it and I hate myself? I still hate ,yself but I am getting better and I just don’t look in the mirror anymore.
And whenever I have talked to my parents in the last 14 years I haven’t said much because I know they will just say something megitive and make me feel even worse. Like when I got diagnosed with this IBS D I have already had it for 2 years but I didn’t know that. it wasn’t till recently I got diagnosed and when I told my mom all she said is “Iknow a few people who have this and it’s not a big deal” I neber did say anything to that but I did tell her I am going to try the diet that they have for it and see how that goes. And so far it’s working really well. But it seems everything I have gone through she thinks it’s not a big deal because she has never experianced it. And it’s never a big deal. Well, I am not her and it is a big deal to me because I need to figure out how to make myself well again and happy.
And I haven’t spent any time with any of my family in about 5 years because I think I am too fat and I don’t want their disappointment and remarks. I just wish they would accept me for me and just love me the same. So until I either loose weight or become a millionaire there will be no reltaionship with them.
And my family is also very stuck up and they think they are better then me because they have more money and their children are becomming something like lawyers and doctors and here I am a nothing. I have not ever met any of my cousins children and some of them are already more then 20 years old. And my brother is stuck up also becasue whenever I talk to him all he asks me is what is new and never tells me what he has been up to or where he has travelled for work or pleasure. And I really never know what any family member is doing or when they will be going away. I always find out at the last second and I don’t like that.
And now instead of my mom calling me on the phone like she use to she is now e-mailing me and asking how I am and that is it. there is no other conversation like there was on the phone. I am only guessing but i am thinking she is tired of me always saying I am okay and not much is happeneing. I don’t tell her much because she thinks I shouldn’t be here with this slumlord but then she doesn’t understand how hard it is to find a good place and what the cost is. And I don’t dare tell her I can’t afford it because she will tell me to give up my bad habbits and right now that doesn’t help me.
I just want a family that I can talk to out of the blue and have a conversation with them and maybe see them every now and then. I am the only one who sends them happy birthdays by e-mail because I don’t have any of their phone numbers so that kind of sucks. But then they never send me a happy birthday so I am wondering why I even bother doing that?
And everytime I asked my mom what she has been doing she just tells me they were busy and they don’t remeber what they actually did or who they saw. I know she remebrs but I just leave it at that because I don’t want to start anything. And sometimes when I tell her stuff she always forgets because I think it’s not very important to her. And my dad says even less to me. So I just don’t say or ask anything to them anymore.
I have been feeling like I am not a part of the family anymore and that I really don’t have anyone I can ask stuff to to get another perspective on so I just ask hubby and my son. And those are the only two people I can depend on.
Onto something else…
The only time I feel good about seeing my family is when I weight below 150 pounds because they I look good according to them and I can wear clothes that actually fit. But I don’t dare see my parents in track pants and underwear that doesn’t fit right because the looks and what they say when I am not there is just too upsetting and then they are disappointed in me even more. But everytime I have lost weight I have done it so my parents would love me more and accept me as a decent person. But I can’t do that anymore because I need to loose the weight for me to make me happy and wanting to go out in the real world.
I really dislike it on how people only love you if you have no weight issues and that you fit in with the family and have the same interests as they have.
Onto something else....
Today is going to be pretty much the same as yesterday and maybe do some laundry.
and dinner I am thinking chicken drum sticks.
Well, I am going to stop here…
Do have a great day…
Be Kind, Be Calm, Be Safe, and Behave.
Last updated September 06, 2023