Last day of school. in Since OD is shutting down....

I get my kid from school yesterday and we’re on the playground where she says she wants to call her Dad. He tells her he’s at the mall eating and getting stuff for his new job. Claims he’s far away. I tell her when we get to McDonald’s to let him go because it’s time to eat. He then messages me asking what I’m doing. Basically wondering why I decided to video chat with him where I have to tell him our child wanted to. He said how he wants to take her for a week and blah blah blah and I let him know that I need to know where he’s going to be for my peace of mind and in case of emergency. He doesn’t respond. I also ask if there was certain days or times that work better for her to call where I get ignored yet again.

So we go over to my Mom’s house where my Dad has apparently had too much to drink where he’s upsetting the dog and telling me how he wants to take a hammer to his head. He then proceeds to tell me in a hostile manner he will be taking my Mom out for her birthday with no kids around. Then says to my kid he was going to give her a bath. I don’t know where any of this behavior is acceptable but I reminded my daughter this morning that it’s weird and why we don’t hang out at their house.

I point out this kind of behavior for her protection. She’s almost 6 now and I refuse to ever sugarcoat or defend weird or unacceptable behavior because she’s old enough to understand what’s going on and I want her to know what’s okay and what’s not. I don’t know how the fuck my Mom just sat there and doesn’t say a word and I doubt she said anything to him once we left because he’s a fucking nut that would just freak out instead of understanding that you aren’t going to be giving my daughter a bath! I let her know that it’s not okay for any man to do that unless it’s her Dad.

It’s just bullshit that the only way we can see my Mom is to put up with him and it always has to be at their house because that’s where he’s comfortable being weird. Again, it’s going to be a long ass Summer because it doesn’t sound like her Dad is going to be around and my brother is always busy. We’re going to spend a lot of time together just like we always do because there’s never anyone sane and safe to bring my kid around. I’m very angry that her Dad has just left to deal with everything on my own and I don’t dare tell him that my Dad is fucking weird because that would just end up another weapon and to be used against me.

It’s just so hard to not get angry about how other people’s bullshit continue to affect us in a negative way. I have my last ablation appointment next Friday where I want my Mom to come watch my kid at my house and then he can drive me to my appointment. I’ll have a follow up appointment later in the month but I’ll reschedule it til sometime in July and hopefully my kid will be in that program and I won’t have to worry about needing a sitter. I am just so stressed out constantly having to worry about not having a sitter and my Mom isn’t an option because of my Dad.

Anyways, so I do hope that he’s moved somewhere and got a better paying job because then he’s not going to know about the modification. So if he says anything about it I’m going to twist it around on him and make sure that he knows that I know he lied about leaving. I just think it’s crap that I have to sit here and try to figure out how to entertain my kid for at least a month especially if he’s just out and about doing whatever. I even told him that night we found him walking that childcare is expensive as fuck. I will also remind him that I don’t feel comfortable trying to communicate with him about money and that’s why I didn’t tell him I was looking to get the CS increased and I also didn’t want to give him even more reason to not be working!!

I know that he wants to take her for Father’s Day so I’m going to use that to find out where he is. I think it’s bullshit that he wants to take her but isn’t trying to give me the location to where she would be. I made it clear last night that I would need the address to where she is so we’ll see how this works out. He doesn’t want me to know because he’s still trying to hide from CS so it’s like okay where would you think I would feel comfortable letting my kid go and not know her location? If you are going to hide yourself, you would hide my kid and that’s not fucking happening!

He’s tried this shit before and the most recent was last Summer. I had to spend at least 30 minutes convincing me to give out the address of his sister’s place and that didn’t sit right with me. He also doesn’t understand that I’m going to not only know where she is, but we are going to arrange the day/year and time for her return because then if not, I will be contacting the authorities. If he seriously thinks he’s just going to take my kid without disclosing his location and I don’t get to know when the fuck she’ll be back, he’s sadly mistaken. I’m not that desperate for a break that I’ll ever go along with this shit. Again, he’s never given me a reason to trust him and I won’t go into anything with blind trust. This is MY CHILD! I have every right and responsibility to know where she is at all times!!

I’ve been made aware of the fact that he can’t conceal his location and neither can I unless this is a DV situation. I just want to know where he would ever think it’s okay to up and take her when he’s never established an ounce of trust with me. I don’t care if he’s her Dad, maybe he should’ve tried being one for the past 6 fucking years and then I wouldn’t be such a helicopter Mom. I don’t think he understands the impact his lies and abuse have had on me and that’s why shit is so fucked.

I also told him yesterday that I won’t be bullied and bow down to him and that he doesn’t talk to me, but talks at me. He’ll just tell me that he’s going to be taking her on certain days. Why can’t we word it in a nicer way? He says that he’s not going to play by my rules but all I’ve ever asked is for him to talk to me with respect and stop calling me names. I don’t know what rules I’m making other than wanting me to be treated like a human being. I could understand if I’ve told him he can’t see her unless I say or I’ve made really unreasonable demands but I haven’t. I have yet to be as difficult as he’s always told me I’ve been. It’s just fucking annoying as hell.