Being better. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I ignored him yesterday simply because it was a day where my daughter was driving me nuts and I didn’t want to be any more triggered than what I was. My brother text later in the afternoon saying he wanted us to come see him at work and he’d buy us dinner. I said she’s had her bath and I’d have her call on his break so they can talk. He kept saying, “tell your Mom” which was pissing me off and mentioned a couple of different things blaming me for his absence so I was become angry. He started talking about how there’s things that are out of his control but that he things about her everyday and wonders if she’s okay and that he’s saving up for his own place and wants her to come stay with him for a day or two which I guess is okay but I’d rather him not tell her stuff like that until it’s actually going to happen because she’s not going to forget.

He then started to say something negative about me again and that’s when I grabbed the phone and hung up. He then messaged saying that he was angry that I had ignored him the whole day and I said I wasn’t going to let him take her today. I told him that I don’t tell her anything negative about him or anyone else so I’m not going to have her hear about negative about me and that’s when he said I’ll be hearing from the courts and if he doesn’t see her today that he’s going to be taking legal action.

I just don’t know why he can’t ever admit to being in the wrong and just say that he’ll be more mindful of what he’s saying to her. That’s literally all I fucking want! It’s like all he wants to do is sit and tell her shitty things about me and just have chaos! I mentioned to him about supervised visits yet again because I am so tired of trying to get through to him that you have to watch what you are saying!!! I don’t get why the fuck he has to be like this! Just toxic as fuck and doesn’t see it whatsoever!

I try to keep in mind by keeping him blocked, it’s keeping out all the good too. If she only sees him once every 6 months, she’ll have those memories that he wasn’t around much but when he was, he took her to do fun things. It isn’t fair to her to keep him away completely because I don’t want anyone to be able to say I stood in the way of them being able to have a relationship. Whether it’s really strained or not, only he can change that.

There’s a lot I’m going to have to let go of. I have to hold everyone in what regard they are capable of and just try to keep moving forward. Make it to where NOTHING is going to be my fault. My daughter is going to form her own opinion regardless. I realize that I’m gonna have to have extremely strict boundaries in this and make it clear. Ignoring him wasn’t the answer but I know what it is when I try to explain we aren’t going to converse any more than necessary. I have to though because it lead to problems yesterday by not saying anything.

I also don’t appreciate him threatening to take me to court but I also understand it’s because he’s frustrated. I also need to do what I can to not only look good for my daughter in this but to the courts, if this ever goes that way. He doesn’t understand that I honestly hope we go to court. There should have been a court order all along. I’m not afraid of that whatsoever. I think it would be the best outcome. Obviously we aren’t going to figure shit out between us so let’s go have someone figure it out for us and what’s in our daughter’s best interest. I think it’s crap that he was more interested in just being free and doing his own thing then being a Dad but if he wants to start somewhere, I’m willing to try.

Ya know, I do believe a man can change and it would be great if we could reach a good place and stay there. It’s never happened before but anything’s possible. I think he gets so caught up in drinking and being a man whore and that’s why he doesn’t give a shit and then it’s like as soon as he gets sober for a little while he expects me to just forget all of the shit he’s put us through and EXPECTS another chance. You can only put people through so much until they are done with you.

So he got her from school and they’re swimming. I’m just annoyed that he only ever takes her when I would have already had childcare. It would be great if there was ever a plan like on the weekend but that’s bar time. It’s also interesting that the bar he likes to go to is right down the street from where they are so I have to get her soon. He says he has to go into work tonight but who the fuck goes to work at 7pm when he already said last night he’s off? Again, still lying but the main objective is he’s spending time with his kid.

I got the word today that she didn’t get a spot for the Summer program so we won’t have anything going on for at least a month and then just pray I can get her into the other spot in July. I’m pretty bummed and glad I ain’t even trying to get a job because I won’t have childcare. I’m just really hope that her Dad is going to hang out with her some or it’s going to be a pretty long month. I told my Mom that he got her from school and I could tell she wasn’t happy to hear that but it’s like okay well you aren’t around and don’t have any plans to be so I’m not going to deprive her of people, even if they aren’t around much it’s better than nothing at all.

It’s understandable that we’ve had an abundance of fucking problems but we gotta start somewhere and now there’s the threat of legal action so I need to put my personal feelings aside and do the best I can in case we do end up going to court. It isn’t their decision whether he’s around or not. I don’t really give a fuck how anyone feels about this because I have to do the best for my child and give her time with her Dad because otherwise it could make me look really bad should we go to court.

I find it super selfish for my Mom who’s barely ever around that willingly chooses to lose time with my child to not be more open to her Dad being around, even if it’s not more than what it is or what it has been. My daughter has asked my Mom several times just in the past month to come over and hang out but she doesn’t. It’s bullshit that she misses out on her life and wants her to miss out on others as well. I feel like there’s no more regard for my daughter’s happiness than my own. My kid gets tired of being with Mom all the fucking time and it’s harder than hell for me to keep her entertained!

I even said something yesterday about how I just spent the last 5 days trying to keep her busy and again, it just falls on deaf ears. My Mom acts like she can’t hear me and of course, never offers to come over and hang out or watch her so that my kid and I are able to get a break from each other and I know my Dad has a lot to do with that. They fail to acknowledge who suffers at the end of the day.

Sometimes I really think that no one really has our best interest at heart and that everyone is incredibly selfish and weirdly possessive. I can’t help but have a lot of resentment for my Mom because she CHOOSES every fucking day to be absent instead of ever coming over, even for an hour. I don’t feel like anyone really cares how this is for my daughter or myself and the time we’ve spent sitting here in this house by ourselves. It gets lonely, depressing, and makes me downright angry that we don’t mean shit to anyone.

I guarantee that reason why my Mom became rude and cold is because she had me on speaker where he heard the conversation and didn’t like it and make it clear with his body language. I don’t really get it when he himself has never cared about my daughter or made much effort (other than to be creepy) and my Mom has told him I don’t want him around her so the fact that she became cold, I know it’s because he doesn’t want her Dad around for his own selfish reasons. He’s told me how he didn’t want him around and it’s like okay well that’s not your decision. This is my kid and I’ll be the one to decide who’s around her and who isn’t. I find it bullshit that he’s made sure my Mom has very little contact with us and has complete control over her but also feels entitled to control me and my daughter as well?! I don’t fucking think so! This is my life and I’m going to do the best I absolutely can for my situation.

One of the things I’ve learned from all of this is people give you advice based on their own selfishness. They have their own reasons why they want you to keep someone away and sometimes you really need to take a step back and think about what those reasons could be. I don’t always think it’s because they don’t feel her Dad is safe or unsafe but because they themselves are unsafe for her. My Dad knows it’s unsafe for himself if her Dad were to be involved because that’s one more person to possibly rock his shit or report him.

I also think it’s pretty selfish that he makes absolutely sure my Mom NEVER comes over to hang out with us or babysit but also doesn’t want her Dad in her life. I find that really disgustingly selfish and very questionable. We never stop and think about my mental health in this and how hard it is on me to be a single Mom and how much easier my life would be if I had help with her, even if it is just once in a while. It doesn’t compute at all how selfish that is to listen to me cry and scream and beg for help, everyone would rather watch me struggle than be like yeah maybe it would be better if her Dad took her sometimes. Again, the break isn’t just for me but for my daughter too! She deserves to see more than just me and I don’t want her to see me stress out and overstimulated ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I’m a much better Mom when I get me time!

Everyone has listened to me talk about my experience on the struggle bus and not one has ever offered help. I’ve done this shit all on my own since my daughter was born so yeah, I think it’s about fucking time to do something different and have a better approach with her Dad. If the guy wants to take her, I’m going to fully allow it. It’s about fucking time the guy starts stepping the fuck up!

Okay so I went and picked her up. His girlfriend was parked in front of me waiting for him to get in. He was very pleasant. Then later I realized he still had her backpack and I started to freak out because our housekeys were in it so I had my brother got pick it up from his Mom. My daughter said it was in the girlfriends car the whole time and no one touched it so I don’t have to worry about anything.