What matters and what don't. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve done a lot of thinking since last night and realize a lot of things. I have definitely went about all of this the whole wrong way and now, I plan to go about everything in a whole other manner because I need better for my kid and for her to see that it isn’t me keeping her from her Dad. I realize that I was way too worried about his private life. I think as long as he starts paying CS and seeing her when he can, that’s all that matters. I HAVE to let the rest of it go.

It does irritate me quite a bit how was always worried about me bringing men around her and then had some girl hanging out with them for 3 hours last night. It would have been nice if she would have introduced herself or even waved from the car but she probably didn’t based on how much he’d badmouthed me. The double standards are what does it for me though. I have never had men around my daughter and I’m super lonely but it’s okay for him to bring random chicks around my kid? Like okay.

But I look at the positive in this that there was another adult there and if this girl wants to spend her time driving him and my daughter around and then hanging out, by all means. I hope that all of this ends up being a regular thing for my kid. I dropped her off at school where she said she was hoping Dad comes to get her again but then said she wanted to stay after school to play with her friends. I didn’t hear from him again last night after I had told him I sent my brother to get her back pack and we weren’t able to reach him this morning but I’m not going to bug him. He’s able to reach me if he wants.

All I know is I hope he plans to stick around this time but if not, my daughter will come to me for even more truth and I’ll tell her ya know, this is what he does and he’s always been the in and out guy and that’s why I’ve never been too keen on trying for there to be a relationship. It’s like when he’s sober, has a girlfriend and working he wants to try and be a parent and then it all falls off and then he’s gone again being a drunk. All the good things are always short lived and it’s not fair for him to think that he should just get endless chances with my daughter.

I remember my brother saying about a year and a half ago that I can’t protect her forever and I didn’t understand then but I do now and that’s why I’m letting him take her because I realize the best thing I can do is have her experience this for herself so she sees the truth about him. I think I’m doing really well at telling her that if she sees him, she sees him and if she don’t, she don’t and that’s okay. It’s not fair that he’s like this but we can’t control what other people do but we can damn sure control how we react and relay the best outlook to our children.

There’s a lot that I have to let go and I’m ready to do that for my daughter and the sake of my own sanity. We can’t go back and change what’s already happened but I want to just move forward in the most positive way I can and my main thing is for everyone to see him for what he actually is, including my daughter. She told me he made some fat joke about me yesterday and I wonder if his girlfriend heard it because she’s bigger too. I’m sure she was uncomfortable. He just can’t help himself, he’s always gotta be cutting somebody down.

I’m still thinking about how cold my Mom become once I told her that my daughter’s Dad picked her up from school. I don’t care how they feel about it. We know who has the biggest problem with that and the reason why. I think it’s really sick thing that people wouldn’t want him involved. Even if he’s not ever going to be there like a Dad should, some type of involvement is better than nothing. I think my Dad has his own reasons which include the fact that this is one more person to protect her from him.

Again, I think my Dad has some serious mental health issues that need to be addressed and I don’t feel he’s safe for my child and that’s why I keep his contact with her as limited as it can be. A quick hi and bye is all that’s needed. I’d actually prefer when my Mom comes over to drop something off or what not that he stay in the fucking car. I’m still pissed that he came in on my birthday when I had my niece and kept trying to come in my room where she was so I had to follow him and keep an eye on things. He just has to constantly overstep his bounds and makes everyone uncomfortable and will probably never quit doing it. It’s a shame that my Mom never got away from him but that’s her problem and I don’t feel that it should affect our children.

I remember telling my friend that I was just waiting to get my ass chewed for that one. It’s absolute bullshit that my Mom doesn’t just keep telling him that we don’t want him around our damn kids so therefore he ‘forgets’ and thinks it’s okay to come around anyway. I also find it really annoying how close he has to be when he’s talking to you.

So I had to pick up my daughter early from school for hitting again. She was just suspended and was home for 5 days and we’re still not learning so I think it’s time to try different tactics like taking things away and earning different stuff.

He’s been begging me to have us come eat dinner with him at his work and I refuse. I don’t want to be around him for many reasons and it’s funny that his little girlfriend posted something about keep your friends close and watch your back just earlier today so I wonder what he did. It may not even be anything to do with him but she has no idea what he’s in for. I have no doubt he wants to make her jealous because he does the same thing where he wants to create rivalry and pit everyone against each other. I admit, I’d love to sit down and talk to him but we’ve done that in the past and all he does is try to flirt and see if I’m willing to still talk about ‘us’ so I’m not gonna go down that path again because it’s my child that’s going to get hurt.

I know that I’m very lonely and I sit around by myself all day long while my daughter is in school but that guy is forbidden fruit. Being around him just leads to hurt and I know better than to go there. I have no doubt he’s going to run all the same bullshit that he’s already ran a thousand times and I REFUSE to get caught up again. I don’t care to have anything to do with him unless it’s about our child and I plan to keep it that way. We know damn well how this shit goes and if I give in too easily I’m sorry for it. Maybe at some point we’ll get there where we can sit down and have a meal together but it’s not the right time for that.

I just wish he’d grow up and become halfway human but he’s nowhere close to that and probably never will be. I’ve watched him use these girls for their money and their cars and do nothing but lie and cheat on them. It’s sad that he wants to do whatever he can to get me pulled back into that bullshit when I’m the one out here raising his child by myself. It would be great if I could be held in a different regard then these girls. Pull this game on them and leave me the fuck out of it. I’m in a good place and I’m going to stay there.

There’s been too many times that I was weak and let this guy pull me back down into this game where it feels good in the moment and very quickly I realize that I just got played, again. I would love nothing more than for us to just be friends, raise our child, and be in a really good place where we could take her and do things where I don’t have to worry about him picking a fight or things getting out of control. The thought of us ever being together is long gone nor do I ever plan to lay down with him again. We have to just move forward in a really positive way for the sake of our child. I can’t stress this enough that we won’t have a sexual relationship because then feelings get involved and I can’t have that because then I get hurt and it messes with my judgment.

I remember for so long just yearning for his touch, his lips on mine. I remember one morning waking up to him kissing me and making love. I remember so many times us making love every where in my house. Him holding my hand in public, in my car. How sweet he could be when he wanted to be. Him pushing me up against my door, stripping my clothes off me. I miss all that and I live in fear that I’ll never find that same sexual connection with another guy but I can’t have it with him because I know he’s having it with everyone he absolutely can because insecure and has to chase temporary highs.

He honestly gave me the best sexual experiences of my entire life and I worry no guy is ever going to live up to what we had. I haven’t had sex in so long that I have lost my drive and that scares me. I worry that he’s ruined me because he broke me. There’s a lot of wounds that aren’t healed and there’s just no way I am willing to ruin my healing process to go back down the same dead end road where we’ve been all these years because he refuses to change. I remember being jealous of all these girls but now I realize that they should be jealous of me because I already done lived all this and I know what the guy is and it’s never going to change. No one will ever be enough and his voids will never be filled and that’s why he’s on that filthy website and fucks everything he comes in contact with.

It used to rip me apart knowing he was kissing them like he kissed me and fucked them like he fucked me. He probably has kissed and bit their nipples like mine and ate their pussy like mine. Told them the same things. Now I know it’s just rehearsed candy coated misery. Let them have it. I deserve better. I want someone that’s all about me and I don’t have to worry what they’re doing if they aren’t around me. I want real love and I’ll find it one day. I can’t run back to what broke me and what will keep breaking me if I let it. Sex really does complicate things and I don’t want a situation where it has to keep you guessing. I can’t do that again. I’m just getting too fucking old for it.