I feel so much better in just testing

The biggest hump of the crampness is over.

My sister got some test for the baby where they measure the neck skin? Weird but it gave her a chance to see the baby again.

She asked that they scan over the gender area just to see if there's anything there and the doc said it looks like a girl but they're really 2 weeks off from knowing officially - she's nearing 13 weeks right now - so they won't officially say girl yet.

I was kinda happy cause girls are fun!

But her and her hubby wanted a boy and so even though everyone says you're supposed to be happy it's healthy, no matter the sex, she's really disappointed it's probably a girl.

I know that there's people out there who wants a baby no matter what and it's not the PC thing to say but I give her a pass. She's disappointed. She's hormonal. She had a vision of a certain thing coming her way and it's probably not.

I don't think what she's feeling is 'wrong'. I mean, she said she still wants the baby. It's not like they'd abort it over the sex or treat it differently because it's not a boy. It was just a little bit of a let down that it's a girl.

I basically told her, I get why she feels the way she feels and it's her right to feel that way. But when the next appointment comes - if they confirm it's a girl - she better start pumping herself up about having a baby girl cause girls can be fun too and things happen for a reason so it must be best for her life to be having a girl.

Also now is the point where she's over the not believing she's pregnant part. I mean, early on - esp since she doesn't really have morning sickness - it's easy to go on about your life almost like it's not there. And in the first trimester it's easy to lose a baby so it's maybe normal to not get super attached cause you're afraid you're gonna lose it.

But now she's seen it, it really looks like a baby now. Now just a 'peanut'. It has an identity pretty much being a girl. it's there, it's growing, it's an existing being and she's gonna have it forever - God willing.

Now is the point where she's freaking out. How are we gonna afford a baby? Where are we gonna have time for a baby? Will I even be able to pursue my career? How am I gonna afford a wedding for my future daughter?

I mean her concerns are slightly ridiculous - at least the least one. My sister barely thinks ahead - now she's worried about her daughter's wedding costs?

I just totd her maybe it's will be gay and a total tomboy and she'll get the boy she always wanted who get's married in a cheap, rented tux. LOL

Work was fine. None of the drama [that wasn't even drama] from yesterday went on today.

I dunno what's going on tomorrow. Will said his friends are going to the beach at 8am! Which may be normal to some people but he gets home from work at 2am. No fucking way he's getting up earlier than 11am. And he shouldn't have to - he works damn hard and unfortunately it's a different schedule than all the other 9-5er's.

I was kinda telling him - if they get to the beach at 8am and we don't get there till.... 1pm. They're not gonna wanna be at the beach much longer. I mean, they'll already have been to the beach 5 hours!

If we go to the beach I wanna get in and if they're packing up right as we're getting there - what's the point.

I dunno. I almost don't care to go anymore so.... we'll see. Saturday is his only day to relax. I'm not gonna rush him to wake up until he's ready.

Also - a weird thing - one of his friends have a baby - I think he's 1.5. And when you have a baby you bring it everywhere and you want to share everything with it. But I'm kinda like, eh - I kinda don't wanna entertain it or whatever.

You know when a baby comes to an event it wants everyone to play with it and watch - or you have to watch that it's not hurting itself. I dunno - maybe I just need to get out of the 'day care' frame of mind that works put me in but I like to Relax at a beach and babies aren't relaxing.

BUT if my sister has a kid and wants to bring it to the beach - hell yea! Even when I was talking to my sister I said 'my baby' once. It's not like I want 'her' baby but I'm already feeling close to it - like ownership of it.

I'm not explaining it right.

I know it's not MY baby but my sister's baby is probably the closest I'm ever gonna get and I already think about it and all the things I want to do with it and show it and toys I wanna buy it and just - Just like all my mothering instinct is going to that baby now. I have ideas for that baby that isn't my baby.

I am getting more and more excited about her baby. And even though at one point in my life I wanted a baby - I've never been super excited about anyone ELSE'S baby.

Not even friends.

And to be clear - if I had the means and the space and the health I'd love to have a baby. But I've really put it in my head that the situation I would need to make it acceptable for me to have a baby is not going to happen and THAT is why I don't want to have a baby. I don't want a baby to be a struggle and a strain - which is would be if I was pregnant right now. I don't want a baby where I am in my life right now.

But I'm really excited to help my sister with hers.