Non-Event in These Foolish Things

Guess what I did today? I decided to go to a networking event!

I’d seen this event posted somewhere online - I can’t remember how I found it (probably LinkedIn) - and had signed up for it a couple of weeks ago. And today was the day. It was written on my calendar.

But this was one of those things where, even though it was free, you had to sign up and get a ticket online. I remember typing all of my information in and seeing something about how you had to pay if you don’t get this certain kind of ticket or input some kind of code or something.

Regardless, I remember I did some kind of thing to get the free ticket and just assumed that it would show up in my email.

So today I took a long, hot shower…the kind of full-service shower that included shaving of all the necessary body parts and a good, good hair wash (lather, rinse, AND repeat), spritzed, lotioned, primped, glossed. Then slipped into a pretty dress that actually necessitated SPANX (!!), which I wriggled into, shocked by how hard they were to put on! It’s been two and a half years since I’ve worn Spanx. How did I Spanx up every damn DAY back then? I also accessorized like a pro and pulled out the good wedges (still not quite ready to break out any of my Loubies - they are much too dangerous since I’ve forgotten how to walk in them. I must start with the training heels).

Before it was time to leave, I got online to get the details on the location. I knew it was downtown in the Arts District, but needed the exact address and also needed to make sure I had my ticket, at least in email form, so I could show it when I arrived.

Got the location - I actually knew exactly where I was going. But the ticket was the hard part. Where was my confirmation email?? I searched and searched for anything that would show that I’d actually signed up for this event. I even went back to the website to see if I could just get another freebie ticket, but without the code, it was going to be $20…which is not a huge deal, but I didn’t really know anything about this event. What if it was stupid? When you’re unemployed, you want every $20 bill to be meaningful and to go as far as possible.

I debated just not going since I couldn’t find the ticket.

But then I decided: look, I’m all ready for this freaking event. If I drive down there and get to the door and they tell me it’s $20 I’ll just explain to them that I’m new to this event group and I’d gotten a free ticket but I just couldn’t find the confirmation.

Done. Made the rush hour drive. It was annoying, but not the worst I’ve seen it.

Got to the Arts District and knew where to park for free since I used to live a few blocks away and know some of the tricks.

Walked a block to the bar where the event was taking place.

But when I got there, I was like, WTF? It was a crowded, crowded bar and people were crawling all over each other and huddled in tight little groups and drinking like their lives depended on it. It was clique-y and frat boyish and…hmm… I wasn’t sure that this was the event. Maybe there’s some private back room where the actual networking was taking place?

I guess I was looking very confused when a guy who works at the bar asked me if I needed help. So I asked him where the networking group was.

He was like, “This is it! This is the networking event! You can come over to this table and sign in and get a ticket to take to the bar for a drink!”

So I pushed my way through a crowd and made it to the table and I could see sign in sheets and there was a woman and three dudes sitting at this table, and I asked the woman if this was the group and she was like, “Yeah! We do this every third Thursday of every month!! You look so gorgeous - are you here for the event? I was looking at you and wondering if you were here to network… I was telling these guys that you couldn’t be here to network - you’re too pretty to be here for this event! But you can sign in here!”

I thanked her and told her that I’ve been in fashion my whole career and then asked her what kinds of businesses are represented at the event.

She told me finance, oil and gas, commercial real estate… I looked at the guys and they nodded their heads. One guy said something about an architecture firm and some other things, but their voices were being drowned out by the crowd.

I signed in and the woman handed me a blue ticket that I could take to the bar for a drink. I thanked her and told her that I appreciated being able to come to a networking event and walked away.

I also felt something in my teeth. Oh my god, I ate a salad before I left for the event, knowing that I wasn’t going to eat anything during or after. DID I HAVE LETTUCE IN MY TEETH?! I did that thing where you try to brush your teeth with your tongue. Oh my god.

I then tried to shimmy my way to the bar. I haven’t been to a bar this crowded since…well, maybe long before the pandemic started. It was totally uncomfortable and unfamiliar to me. I asked some frat bros if they’d give me some space to get to the bar. They were actually very cool and made room. I waited a bit and then asked the bartender if he could make me some kind of mocktail.

He didn’t ask me anything about what kind of mocktail I might like and just started mixing up a bunch of shit into a cocktail mixer, shook it up and poured it into a tall glass with ice and garnished with a lemon.

It ended up being shockingly delicious.

And the best thing to happen at that bar.

I moved over to another part of the bar, and actually took my mocktail outside to get some fresh air, but the patio was just as crowded with networking folk and they were all huddled together like they were all in little strategy group meetings. I couldn’t even get anyone to make eye contact with me!

I shuffled from one side of the patio to the other, trying to make eye contact, thinking of how to break into a conversation with one of these groups. I finally spotted two guys that looked like they were having more of a casual discussion, so I eased my way over there. It was kind of close to the door to go back into the bar. A guy kept trying to be chivalrous and kept gesturing like he was waiting for me to go inside, but I kept saying, “no, go ahead” and he was like, “no…I insist!” and finally I said, “I’m not going inside, so please go ahead!”

So freaking AWKWARD!!

I also could NOT figure out how to break into conversation with the two dudes and ended up decided that I’d look so weird if I interrupted them. It’s not like I’ve never done something like that before. It’s just like I’ve kind of forgotten how to interact socially.

I looked at my watch. The “event” officially started at 6. It was 6:05!!

I went back inside and stood on the sidelines some more, sipping and then gulping down my mocktail. Suddenly, I just decided that I needed to get the eff out of there. I did not want to spend another 30 seconds in this space. I HAD to get out of there! It felt like a mini panic attack that was not really a big deal, but the crowd just felt too…what’s the opposite of hostile yet not open to ANY interaction by an outsider?

I slurped down the last of my mocktail, set the glass down and bailed. I made my way out of my first networking event of Funemployment faster than a rejection letter from a famous-name home furnishings company that I’d kill to work for.

Man, am I out of practice.
GS