Make me nom nom. in The Napkin.
- May 8, 2022, 12:40 a.m.
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- Public
I’m not sure how to describe my still undiagnosed depression. When I’m fine, it’s almost like waiting for my mood to drop. Wary of savoring it, as if I will drain the nice feels faster.
And when I’m not, there’s this downplaying of “oh, I could be worse”. In part, because it has. The dark cloud is heavy. The apathy blinds me to anything potentially nice. Simply stumbling around, only flinching away when something is specifically uncomfortable. Content to just be and drift, most of the time.
My sense of humor is generally pretty intact. I know it’s a really really bad episode (if I have episodes?) If my sense of humor is vacant.
I’m tired and hungry. Is tungry a word? Tirengy? My sense of taste is still intact. Alas, even if food tastes good, it doesn’t raise my mood.
I’ve prepared a mind game for myself to outsmart myself. If I get that stupid “I don’t want to be in an altered state” argument against meds, I’ll remind myself of the possibility that my default mental state IS an altered state.
Then again. Who the hell identifies as normal or neurotypical?
One Angry Dwarf ⋅ May 08, 2022
Everything you do alters your state. Everything you eat, every time you sleep, every exercise session alters your brain chemistry. There is no "normal" state, there are just different, constantly fluctuating "altered" ones. Or put another way, "altered" IS normal.
Medication also alters your state, in ways that are shown to be beneficial for folks who are stuck in one PARTICULAR altered state that fucking sucks to be in.
Also idk when you last tried meds, but there's a hell of a lot of them now, and the side effects/withdrawals of the one you were on are now known for being terrible. I don't think they prescribe that one hardly at all anymore, and there are plenty that don't come with such consequences.
gattaca ⋅ May 08, 2022 (edited May 08, 2022)
Edited
I have a simple routine for mood stabilization (subtle, but it seems to work for me).
Ginger tea in the morning (yang - warming).
Pu Erh tea in the afternoon (yin, but milder)
Mint tea in the evening (yin - cooling).
Of course, I'm still a coffee snob and I must have caffeine in the morning (also yang), which kind of complicates the whole yin-yang thing.
Antidepressants (the pharmaceutical kind) don't seem to help me at all.
Timmy™ gattaca ⋅ May 08, 2022
I need to reinitiate a morning routine.