Ungrateful Asshole in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

Imagine the woman you love taking 100% care of you, being by your side pre and post amputation, taking time off of work, tending to your medications, appointments, and making sure that you’re comfortable and taken care of.

Now imagine being the woman and feeling 100% taken for granted.

I am so happy my mom is here. I feel like I’m having moments of clarity wrapped in my depression and fatigue. For a while I wasn’t standing up for myself. With age I’ve gotten bigger balls, but ever since our “bae-cation”/ 1 year anniversary trip to Orlando…this relationship has become very one-sided and full of tears and frustration on my part. All he talks about is what I don’t do…and he never acknowledges the million and one things that I do, do. And I am OVER IT! I haven’t had a single moment of doing something for myself this week. Not ONE. Major things that I need to get done, haven’t gotten done. I’ve put myself on the back burner because my partner and myself have experienced something so traumatizing this year so far. I almost feel like it was more of a hit to me than it was to him. He gets the reap the rewards and be taken care of and I get to go out of my way (out of love) to do what needs to be done. Things that even he can do for himself but chooses not to. I’ve had a LONG LIST of things that I’ve needed to get done for weeks now, but I haven’t gotten around to because once I’m doing what needs to be done for everyone else, I’m too exhausted to function for MYSELF. I was already on my last leg, but he literally LOST ONE, so here I am…setting my needs aside unselfishly for someone that is so SELFISH.

All of this is stemming from a comment he just made to me (at 6:30AM) about how last night he was playing a game on the tablet and was about to win some big prize, but I invited him to play a game with us (my mother, my kids and I). However, before I had taken a bite of an edible and he also made me a very strong margarita....so while playing the game, I got pretty whoozy and out of it and felt dizzy and sick to my stomach so I had to lay down. So…because I had to check out of the game, he’s UPSET because he missed out on whatever award he was going to win on his game. MIND YOU…I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks (which is why I nibbled the edible to begin with because I’m one of those people who goes to sleep when high and that’s exactly what I wanted to do was to have a restful sleep). Not only had I not been sleeping well but I had to non-stop do other things for other people all day, that by the time I did have “free time”, I was so exhausted that instead of doing something for myself, I laid down to try to rest my body. I cannot “nap” without help (ie; drugs/alcohol), so I just laid there awake for hours. My mom took the kids with her to the store. I laid on the couch and that dumbass never left his room or PlayStation to roll his ass out in his wheelchair to check on me, spend time with me, ask me how I’m doing. So yes, I invited him to play games with us after dinner BEFORE I was feeling so lit that I couldn’t control myself anymore and ultimately had to lay down.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE!

And last week when his sister was here from Texas for all of 2 days (that’s a story in itself). He acted like she was the best thing to ever happen during this whole thing. Get this. She doesn’t work....and she came the day before he was released from the hospital. Was she here the first week when I couldn’t even get up to the hospital for lack of childcare options that I had? While I was still working, worrying and juggling my kids? Nope. Was she there when he had the first surgery where they tried to save his limb? Nope. Was she there to question every doctor thoroughly to make sure there were no other options? Nope. Was she there from sunup to sundown on the day of his surgery when he had his leg amputated? Nope. However, she was there when he was upbeat and ready to be released. He chose to ride home with her because my car is “too low”…he chose to immediately go out and do things with her, and not me. I tried to buy him a notebook to jot his thoughts down for his mental health, he didn’t want one. His sister came from Texas with one and suddenly it was the most sentimental item in the world. I came to the hospital last Saturday after we got back home from my daughters basketball game (mind you this is her first basketball game we were able to attend and she had even missed her practice that week DUE TO my preoccupation with him, his condition and him being in the hospital), anyway, he mentioned “What if I go home with my sister to Texas for her to take care of me?”…suddenly this person whom I met in person for the FIRST time since I’ve been with this man for 1.5 years, comes to town and he wants to go back home with HER and not stay at home in his own house, with his girlfriend who has been here all along? Suddenly she was going to be able to tend to him and take better care of him than me? I immediately shut down, and as soon as I overheard that he would be riding home with her, I grabbed all of his shit that would need to be brought home and I left. We had never even TALKED about him going to Texas as an option. Why would he? I moved 2 hours away from my family a year and a half ago to live here with him, and he wants to LEAVE ME somewhere where I have NO ONE in order to go to Texas to be with his sister who had only been here a day at that point?

She didn’t even end up staying the entire time that she was supposed to stay. she came last Friday and was supposed to stay till Monday, but you want to know what she did? Sunday, I finally felt comfortable to go out with my mom and kids and leave his side. Since he was so overwhelmed with joy having his sister here, I left to go somewhere and came back home maybe 45 minutes later because I forgot something and guess what? His sister had left to go back to Texas. No “goodbyes”, no “thank you’s“, just GONE. The brother she wanted to care for who was recently released from the hospital, on loads of medications and a huge fall risk and POOF she just decides to go home when there was no one at the house to help her brother if he needed anything.

DON’T GET ME STARTED. I wouldn’t still be here if I didn’t love him. I wouldn’t be missing work and driving myself to exhaustion for the sake of being there for him. My suggestions aren’t being heard by him, my medical advice isn’t being taken seriously, my thoughts and concerns of whats best for him are being ignored and he has the AUDACITY to be upset because I couldn’t function to play a game because I had to TAKE SOMETHING to help me go to sleep because I’m exhausted from taking care of HIS ASS? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!

Oh, and then when his sister left he was emotional for days because he loves her so much and she was so amazing for coming up for him during his time of need. Because she is “aLL hE hAs!”

BLANK. FUCKING. STARE.

He tells me, “Oh don’t post a status about what’s going on on facebook”…then when my mom posts on FB asking for prayers for him, he says “Why did your mom do that?” but then…his sister does it. Not only that…then his sister POSTS PICTURES OF HIM WITHOUT HIS LEG! Meaning, he hadn’t had the opportunity to let people know himself. I tell him…thinking he’d be upset and do you think he BUDGED? Nope. It’s his sister. Alls well.

FUCK THE FUCKING FUCK OFF!

I’ve had family members that haven’t met him concerned and checking up on him constantly throughout this process. The prayers have been non-stop. Their support has been non-stop, but hey, his sister came for 2 days, left early and cooked one meal for him that he likes and she’s the savior here.

I’m taking ANOTHER week off just to have time for MYSELF and what I need to do that has all been pushed to the back burner this week because I’ve been making all of his calls and getting all of his ducks in a row that weren’t in a row because I wasn’t there at discharge and I thought he and his sister could handle it, but they didn’t ask the right questions or get the right information because ALL week I’ve had to get things done and figured out MYSELF....but yeah, let him be mad at ME for not being able to function for a game of fucking UNO.

BLANK STARE