It is 12:58am / My first entry. in The Kid Used To Dream

That is an unusual way to begin - but I needed something. I needed an outlet. I needed a way to say something without explaining to the people around me, family or friends. It seems that everyone tries to fix you because they know more than you, or so it seems. Once upon a time I was this bright eyed kid that studied every dance move Michael Jackson ever danced. I knew the lyrics, the melodies, the harmonies. I taught myself how to play drums, piano and guitar. I dreamed of being a performer. I began singing in church then helping local bands. I joined the school country / pop ensemble. Along the way, I fell in love with the most talented girl I’ve ever known and that’s where my talent ended.

Her ability to command a room without opening her mouth was the nail in the coffin to my dreams. Her shadow cast a darkness over me that hid everything I was trying to do. Yet, I didn’t mind.

Thirty years later and we still make music but the dream of being a performer has remained that - a dream. No one cares to hear or see me without her. Yet, she doesn’t want the same things I do she is not concerned with connecting with an audience - she just sings and I vanish.

It seems like I’m bitter, but I’m not. I’m awestruck by her as well. I am completely jealous of her and humbled. I know that no matter how hard I try, how much I practice or work at it, I’ll never be as good. No one wants to hear me. I’m tolerated, I believe, so people can hear her, they allow me to tag along.

I always dreamed as a young boy that I’d marry someone who would request I sing to them. If I set down at my piano or play my guitar and try to be a romantic it’s like I’m nothing more than a radio playing in the background.

Maybe it’s attention I am craving and I need to deal with that. Isn’t that how all great musicians begin?

I remember at a work event in the lobby of a hotel there was a piano. I sat down one evening after a long day of meetings and begin to play. A colleague joined and we began a dueling piano type back and forth. Soon, we had an audience and was having a great time performing. We had built quite an audience around the piano. I invited my wife to sing a song and boy did she…after that, my coworkers associated me with her.

Is it possible for me to live this dream thru her?

Is it too late? Should I just come to grips that if it were going to happen it would have already?

Do I have the strength to lay down my music and never play or perform ever again? Should I just wake up from this dream?

Last updated July 18, 2021