5/18/21 10:53pm in The Troubled Mind of a Helpless Teen

Im really tired. I should go to bed, right? WRONG! head is too full even tho it’s really empty at the moment. for a while i’ve been getting really numb. our group has started using the chat im in more and i hate it. now sshark spams stuff in it and all the conversation happens there. i love them. but oh dear god im going to scream. i left so i didnt have to dela with spam and with being ignored. and it’s back. i need leave again. i’ll deal with that tomorrow i guess. that isn’t the main issue tho. everything is so bland. i think bradbury was on to something when he wrote his stories. we live in a metal world. everywhere i look there is soemthing man made. metal cars race on the streets and fill the air with gasoline fumes. metal poles of light like the roads to give off that terrible yellow light that feels too electric. there are concrete walls to border in the concrete houses. pavement and asphalt layer up and bury the soil of Earth. i think we’re suffocating her. there are such weak attempts and incorporating nature into things. every house has a tree, maybe two, on their front lawn. trees are planted in neat rows on the streets and intersections. but none of the trees or plants or anything living looks happy. soemtimes, when the sun comes out, they seem to look up and reach for the rays. they look desperate to hold onto the same light that drains my energy. i’ll let them. they deserve it. they work so hard to give us air even tho we’re the ones killing them. when there is no sun, or when it’s hiding, earth just looks so sad. everything droops. this even happens with the sun. they reach and they reach but it isn’t enough. there’s so much Earth beneath the ground i walk on everyday, so much potential life. nature has a way of keeping things in balance. in fontana, we call october fire season. i just think it’s natures way of trying to save itself. humans interact with everything, get themselves involved in everything’s problems even if they aren’t ours to solve. nature can work it out. we think we are helping but things just get worse. things die. it’s life. let nature take its course. i know we try to stop the fires because they are harmful to us, but maybe it’s better. i think nature is trying to cleanse itself if the game humans have done. we took the beautiful trees and the rich soil and the wild life and burrowed through it, cut it down, destroyed it and built over it to make a human world. it disgusts me. it disgusts me more that i need the things we humans made. i hate my humanness. i cant escape it. maybe that’s why i feel so numb. not eating is probably a contributing factor as well. sasha doesn’t let me come downstairs so i can’t really eat. im living off of the mini eggs in my room. i think there might be graham crackers in my swim bag so maybe i’ll have those tomorrow. i cant believe i cant move around in my own house. i already hole up in my room, even before sasha, but at least i could come down and eat. i don’t know why that dog hates me. mom and dad have yelled at her, screamed, punished, and threatened her all the time. all i’ve ever done was love her. what made her like this. she gets so excited to se everyone else. she growls when she sees me. i need a cuddle dog. maybe if we had another one she’d tone down. maybe the new one would protect me. also i cant stand mom. that’s not new. but with the broken foot she’s even worse. and i cant stay away in my room forever bc she needs help and i cant say no. i wanna get away. mom huffs and puffs at everything i do, every request. with the cast in now she’s just a permanent hell. no good moment. if she didn’t want to be driving her child around to places they need, maybe she shouldn’t have become a mom. that’s on her. she decided to bring me into the world. i never asked to be her child. i never asked to be alive. that’s her responsibility. i cant wait until im old enough to leave. i hate that i wanna be old but i need to be. the thing is i don’t want to be old, i just want to be free. i want to be able to do the things that make me happy in an environment that’s safe to do so. i want to have my child like wonder and enthusiasm back but be free to explore it. where would i be right now if i had a supportive household? where would i be if i had friends that listened? where would i be if i didn’t constantly want to kill myself from school? there’s a whole plan too. how EASY it would be to walk down the stairs and down a bottle of dads nightly diabetes pills. how SIMPLE it would then be to grab from our numerous bottles of wine and chug it while i sit in the bathtub and wait for death to take me. i cant tho. deep down there’s still those worthless hopes of what it will be like when i’m free. hopes that i can DO soemthing. cant i just forget the whole life thing and be a mushroom living on the forest floor? i envy the mushrooms. tho maybe i don’t. eventually we’ll cut down all the forests and complete our metal world with its metal people. poor mushroom. i wish i was worth enough to help.

current day p.s.: i copy and pasted this vent into a socratic seminar prep (obviously editing grammar and punctuation and everything) and was given 100% for it which i thing is hilarious. my teacher smiled wide.
we are told to speak our minds, but are screamed at to shut up when we do. even the teachers won’t listen, unless it looks like we’re just putting in effort for an assignment. well suck it teacher. here’s my small vent spoken to a whole class where you couldn’t tell me to shut up.