down and out in random rantings of self pity

I'm not even sure that I can articulate my feelings right now. I hurt my back on Monday, and the pain was so freaking bad that I was laying in my bed wishing myself dead. And that didn't strike me as normal. I feel like in the past week I am slowly but surely becoming some what of a zombie. Becoming emotionless. I feel utterly alone. I feel like there is no one there for me. I was in severe pain, I have a cold that still is lingering for some reason, and there is no one that can come help me with my son. My stupid ass parents might as well be dead as far as that kind of crap goes. Then I feel ashamed and terrible for "neglecting" my son because I'm sick and in a great deal of pain. So, I took him out on Friday to help him expel some energy. Luckily, he had a blast and everything went really well. I totally hate myself. I am so not happy right now. I'm too bored to be stressed about anything, or maybe it's that I don't care enough about anything to be stressed about anything. I'm not sure which one it is yet. I am a terrible wife and mother. I need to leave my husband. I don't have the balls to kill myself. So I won't be doing that, but they just deserve better than this. I can't do this. I am no fucking good at this. It would be easier to just die. I can't do anything right. And the things that I do get right don't matter, or it takes me a really freaking long time to do them. I am disgusted by me. So just freaking sick to my stomach by the very thought of myself. YUCK. What an ugly person inside and out. I need to just run away. I need to just go. I want to just disappear. I once felt like I was disappearing. I long for that feeling to come back. I miss it so much. My family deserves better. They would be better off if I just keeled over. Hubby could just throw me out in the garbage can and put in in the dump. That would be good. I am a failure in every aspect of my life. I wish that I was dead. If I wish it enough does that mean it will come true? haha. My life is worthless. I am worthless.