uhg in random rantings of self pity

I feel ugly. Oh so ugly. None of my clothes fit me any more. Because I keep gaining weight. I can't seem to stop it. I haven't been to the gym in over 2 weeks because of how sick I was, but even when I do go regularly I don't loose weight any ways. So, I guess it doesn't matter. I have no motivation any more. How miserable do you have to be? How bad does it have to be before you make the choice to stop it? I'm not doing good. I'm better. Not great but better. What am going to the doctor for? The med's are working. I'm better. How much should I expect from this crap? If she ups the dose, am I going to feel great for a couple of weeks and then it's going to be over again? Just like the last time? I just don't know. I can't wait to ask. Because if that's how it goes, then why the fuck bother with the medicine at all? What's the point? My house is a disaster. I do not care. My car needs work. I do not care. My family all needs to see the dentist. I do not care. I just care about nothing. My bathroom needs work. I do not care. I'm not doing what I want to be doing. And I just don't care. I'm lonely as fuck, but I don't want to be around anybody. How does that even work? I just plain old need someone to talk to. How bad does it have to be? Am I where I want to be in my life? Probably not, but I'm just too lazy to care.