I often feel that my mom downplays everything in my life. Do I slack-off sometimes? yeah, but so does everyone. I feel like I am not allowed to have horrible feelings. I don’t know if it qualifies as toxic positivity but it sure feels that way. If I’m having a bad day, someone else’s is probably worse and I should feel grateful.
Yesterday, for example, I had a terrible day. I woke up with zero energy about 15 min later than I should’ve. This meant that I had no time to eat breakfast or make lunch for myself. I couldn’t place an order on my phone for coffee or breakfast from Starbucks because I still haven’t received my debit card in the mail. Somehow I made it to work on time. When I opened my email, the first thing I received was a rejection letter from my first choice graduate program. I then got my period 3 days early and didn’t have any feminine products with me. The period brought with it unusually horrible cramps that lasted until I went to bed that night. I just wanted to mope a little but of course, I get chastised for it and told “you’re always coming up with some kind of an excuse” like… sorry I have anxiety and depression mixed with ADHD… I have a hard time dealing with my mental health sometimes… Especially when I am BLEEDING OUT and dealing with rejection. cut me some slack.
My Mom has always been a bit harder on me than the rest of my siblings. I don’t know if it’s because I am the eldest girl or because I am a lot like her and she sees a younger her in me and therefore pushes me a bit more than the other three. It could be that my older brother is kind of a failure by societal norms. Don’t get me wrong he is a wonderful, caring, fun person he just struggles with mental health issues (more than me) and is always fighting the classic substance abuse battle. Since he has so many issues my mom turned to me to be the role model for my two younger siblings. I think her fear of me falling into similar patterns scares her a lot and that fear drives her to push me harder.
Although I appreciate the fact that she wants me to thrive and succeed, I wish I was caudled a little bit more. After expressing that I had a hard day I wish I received a hug instead of a lecture about how I could’ve used my time more effectively. Outwardly I am very strong and independent but on the inside, I am very sensitive. Sometimes in order to be more productive, I just need someone to tell me I did my best, give me a hug, maybe a little treat, and some downtime. When I feel supported I am able to get more done. I have tried to explain this but my Mom never seems to understand and just says that I want everything to be easy. The world is such a harsh place, why does my home/family have to be harsh too? I don’t think that’s asking too much.
On top of all of this, I have been fighting a mental battle with myself about officially coming out to my family about being bisexual. My siblings know and so do all of my friends. My parents and my extended family don’t know. It’s not so much that I am ashamed it’s more that I don’t feel like having to explain and defend something that is inherently ME. People don’t have to COME OUT as straight! Why should I have to explain my sexuality to others when it’s my sexuality!? I just know that when I do “come out” to my mom there will be lots of small comments that I will have to put up with for the rest of my life. I would rather put that off as long as possible. My mom is not homophobic, she is just older and has a different mentality about things.
I also know that when I do come out to her, she will be offended that it took me 20-something years to tell her. She will be upset that I felt I needed to keep this part of myself a “secret” from her. This is ironic because SHE is the reason I haven’t told her. If I knew that when I told her she would be cool about it and be happy that I am finally comfortable enough to tell her I would’ve done it already but I know she will take it personally and make it about how I haven’t told her instead of appreciating that fact that I did tell her. This is not my first experience with finally telling her things and then being put down, shamed, or guilted for keeping it to myself. Things like “Wow, I must be a horrible, terrible mother for making you feel that you had to keep things from me” and “I thought we had a better relationship than this”. Those are things I don’t wanna deal with. I would love to see a therapist who I could talk to about this but I don’t have money for that right now.
Sorry, this post is kind of long but I needed to get that out of my system. Today is a good day and I am very excited about my four-day weekend! I get to see Ivy on Saturday! She is going to look beautiful and I am pretty sure she’s going to be in heels. We’ll finally be the same height! hahaha, she gets so feisty over the fact that I am taller than her. I love it.