Trying in Life

I’m in what I think is my 6th cycle since going off birth control and I’m not pregnant as of yet.

This week, I feel like my heart is breaking.

And look, it was Christmastime, Chris’ busy time at work, we got a puppy who is a giant cock-block. It’s possible we just haven’t made it work yet for that reason.

But i also have insulin resistance and when i asked an endocrinologist upon diagnosis if i’d be able to get pregnant he said “sure we just have to make you ovulate.” So I’ve always known there was a good possibility I might need medical intervention.

Chris didn’t want to put pressure on it- was even weird about me telling him when I thought I was ovulating based on my body changes (which as it turns out i wasn’t far off but I was maybe a few days off and maybe that’s a thing that has impacted it so far…). He said he didn’t want this to be a “thing.” And i’m like well i can tell something is up in my body so I’m just not… supposed to say that? That seems silly.

And every time I’ve gotten a little upset he’s like “you gotta relax, you just need more time, you’re going to make it worse by stressing about it” but like… anxiety. I can’t just turn it off.

After like 5 months of it not happening, I bought ovulation strips, and I did that this month. I was really nervous that I wouldn’t even show the hormone for ovulation, but I got a positive on Saturday. So I’m all happy, and then we don’t have sex all weekend. Cue me having a breakdown, him saying he just felt put on the spot and I had been making comments that he thought meant i “didn’t even like” him anymore which I guess my little comments about not having sex enough came off a little hurtful where I thought I was letting him know I was unhappy with that in a light hearted jokey way, and we seem to have smoothed things over, but probably missed the window for ovulation this month.

And then when I got the positive and it was around the time that I thought I was ovulating by my body, I was happy but then I started psyching myself out like… maybe something BIGGER is wrong where ovulation they prob could just put you on a pill!

And of course like 3 people told me they’re pregnant this week because that’s just what my poor heart needed this week. Though I am genuinely happy for them.

I just want this so much, more than anything ever. And it’s the perfect storm right now because little one has a disney trip planned so we won’t see her for a whole month, and my brother moved to Vermont over the weekend- and even though we aren’t close, it seems like I’m not going to be seeing much of him in the future at all- maybe Christmas.

On a happy note, I’ve been getting more serious about ring shopping. Chris has said a bunch of times how he’s gonna marry me and I’m getting a ring and all this, but we don’t have a specific timeline, but I just wanted him to have all the info so that he can buy one when he’s ready and not have to ask me, so it can be a surprise. I want moissanite, gray moissanite, or alexandrite- i’m not very traditional but also i really don’t want a real diamond (ethical reasons, cost/value). I didn’t think I’d want a diamond looking ring either but I tried on a halo ring at Jared (because that’s what i was looking at for alexandrite) and it was super shiny and pretty and now i’m considering regular moissanite even though it is more traditional. I just want to give chris some ideas and let him decide what he wants to do or what he thinks feels like me. I won’t be disappointed with any of those options, as long as it’s not a real diamond. In terms of cost, I also think it’s a real advantage for us as we are planning a baby and a life together, I just don’t want a ring to cost so much, plus I don’t want to wait longer for him to save up money- would rather he do it when he feels called to, and has the ability to do it because it won’t cost as much. Just want the marriage, and while I want proposal/ring to wear to show I’m his, I don’t really care that much what the ring is. :) I do know about gemstone strength and all that, so I’m looking for something hard that lasts a long time still, because I will want to have it for a long time or forever.

So yeah happy times and sad times over here. I will set up an appointment with a specialist soon if I don’t get pregnant as I know they say 6 months, but I feel we need to give it a little more of a planned try before I see a specialist.

Been holding this in for a while… thanks for listening. Don’t feel super comfortable talking to many people about this. <3