got the crud. in Life

That season changing, sinus pain, throat drip, ick. Relatively normal for me actually, had it a few times in spring too. feels crappy and was hard to work my full day today. took a little rest and went back to it later, which is the nice part of working from home. Boyfriend isn’t feeling good either, and is also very confident it’s allergies too. Took a shower with steam and drinking some tea, and feel a little better but it takes a LOT of energy to shower right now… I guess I am a little down and also i just have way too much hair. It’s almost to my butt now.

My nephews and sister visited this weekend. We are all very conscious of the virus. They stayed at an air bnb and we just spent time together with masks on and mostly outside. It broke my heart at times, like when my 6 year old nephew would say, “I want to come over by Meggie” but at the beach I did let him hold my hand once and I snuck a hug from behind with my mask on in the pool when his mom wasn’t around lol. I’ve missed them so much, and then on Sunday night, they were just over being at my parents and they wanted to leave, and that kinda hurt my feelings. My boyfriend was supposed to come meet them and he basically messed around all day and arrived like 15 minutes after they left and I was so upset- I knew he wouldn’t want to spend the whole day with us, but I wanted him to spend a little time since I won’t be seeing them again for a while! We stopped by the airbnb and he met them, but I just had wanted it a different way. We got in a little fight when we got back to my house and he’s like “i just don’t like people, i don’t know what to tell you” and i’m like… am i like on my own for every holiday because you don’t wanna be around people cuz that doesn’t seem fair? Eventually he’s like… I know I have to do things like that, but I just didn’t know how important this was (which is clearly great listening skills as I talk about the boys pretty frequently). We kissed and made up. Then watched tiger king again all night… lol. That was our first date from afar in quarantine!

He slept in pretty late, and I brought up making pot roast for dinner, and he got quiet and said he planned to head home… even though he had just gotten here! He didn’t have work Monday night so I just assumed he would stay. His son didn’t come but that was his choice, he was invited. So I got upset, and I was already upset about my sister and the boys leaving (always leaves an emptiness even on a normal summer weekend but knowing we might not spend real time together until there’s a vaccine or next summer felt pretty crappy), I had a bit of a panic attack/breakdown incident. He held me, and then talked sweet nothings to me about how he wasn’t going anywhere and he didn’t know who told me I wasn’t worth anything and was someone people would want to leave, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. And then he stayed until the evening, which I thought was a nice compromise but still wish he stayed the night. I had work early so even though he wanted me to go home with him, I didn’t think it was a good idea to go for the night and leave early the next morning for work, particularly since I was expecting the day to be a nightmare. When he was leaving, he said he thinks we should just live together already so we do all this traveling together (but I want to be at my house more than he does which is like the onlllly thing we haven’t really worked out yet), and when he got home he said he wished he kidnapped me. I still just maybe feel like it might be a good idea to not be running up there to be with him as much as I have been, and maybe not just expecting that we should be together every weekend, because maybe he needs to be alone sometimes too. Not really what he’s saying but maybe a little what he’s doing.

Really I know a lot of this goes back to my own anxiety which is really really high at times right now. He’s insisting that him wanting to go home isn’t because he doesn’t want to be with me, and isn’t that he wants to be alone. But at the end of the day I do sometimes feel like I don’t want to be at his house.. and I go anyway because I want to be with him… and that isn’t always the choice he makes. Plus, how can he get comfortable at my house if he doesn’t spend time here?

He also says that eventually we’ll sell both houses and buy a bigger house down here, since this is where I want to live… but just finding it hard to imagine him actually doing that since he seems so resistant to being down here sometimes.

Since he’s not feeling good, I didn’t go up there today like usual so that he could rest more (and so that I could I guess but didn’t know I wouldn’t feel great today), and even though I thought about going tomorrow instead, I decided to not go yet. I’ll be there all weekend because we have little one this weekend, so I figured give him a little space, see how he likes it. And I haven’t sent him the “miss you”s this week either. Am I punishing him? …I don’t want to think that but maybe a little....

OH! We totally had an earthquake in NJ last night and I missed it again because I was sleeping (And also i’m reaaaaally far south at my house). I missed the last one (I worked at the aquarium at the time and was outside with loud music on and on concrete so totally missed it, although people inside noticed it even with that super solid foundation because of the water inside the tanks) and I am super disappointed that I never feel it. DONT want a real bad one but for a little one, I just think it would be interesting to feel it.