Saying goodbye… in Year 24

I said good bye to John today. It was devastating. His funeral was at the catholic church, and as I am not religious in the least I tend to feel very uncomfortable in churches. We were the first people there. And as I walked in the door I saw his casket and was taken aback. I literally stopped in my tracks when I saw it and just, didn't know what to do. And I didn't know if he was in there as it was turned facing another way, but my biggest regret at this moment is that I didn't go and kiss him goodbye or get to see him one last time. I love you John, you probably saved my life more than you care to admit and I would give anything to hear your laugh one last time.
The funeral was probably a classic catholic funeral. Because we didn't get to hear stories about John, but we got to do holy communion. I mean, obviously that is what his family chose for him, and they had a gathering after to share stories and a slide show, but I couldn't attend. I don't feel comforted by the thought of the afterlife. So a funeral that is discussing god as taking care of John now it's kind of like. ya whatever helps. I don't know. I'm more comforted by the fact that the last time we spent together was spent laughing. John's death has been very sobering for me. He is the closest person to me that I have lost. It just makes me realize that I am mortal, and so is everyone around me. I do feel like I am hyper aware of death, and have been since childhood, don't know why, though I would like to. And so whenever I talk to loved ones, my parents, sisters or my daughter I tend to be overly loving and emotional in our partings. I don't really want to cry myself to sleep tonight, I let my daughter sleep in my bed to keep her close. I'm watching the movie About Time. It made me cry terribly the first time I watched it, my favourite line from the movie is when they find out that the dad has cancer and the son asks his mom how she's doing and she says, "I'm fucking furious. I'm totally uninterested in a life without your father." It just makes me think, how do I find this kind of love? Which would start me into some other issues meant for another separate entry as this one is dedicated solely to John. John, love you and miss you terribly.