My confidence in moving is a little shaky. The current COVID case counts in Ontario are climbing fast and I’m afraid of losing everything to a second lockdown. I’m not scared of the influenza virus, just this quarantine.
I was given some context to what I am experiencing. I am going through an identity shift. An identity collapse. I’m not who I used to be I keep saying. I’ve changed so much that I don’t even fit in my life anymore. I didn’t realize that I was telling myself that these changes are bad. This is a positive thing. My ego structures are changing, that is all. This is wonderful.
I’ve been complaining that I need to work on my faith. I cleave to logic and I obsess over the unknowns. I’m in a constant need of trying to understand all the dimensions of my life that are happening. I’m trying to stay in control, that what this is. Everything is revealed in due time. I need to tell myself. I will understand what I need to understand. I need to put truth in myself. In something higher than me. In God, in source, in the universe. I don’t control the world. Let it go you big bloated bitch in a basement.
The big habit that I need to break is bypassing my emotions. I am an expert in pretending that pain isn’t happening to me. Things are not hurting when we’re high, drunk, hooking up, binge eating junk food, making those purchases, having those affairs. I need to face and process what I am feeling. I need to feel them, acknowledge them, embrace them, give it freedom and allow myself to heal. I will feel what I need to feel. I need to give myself permission.
I still have negative mindsets. This is how I’ve adaptive to my crazy life. I’m always waiting for the shoe to drop. It’s always one foot in, one foot out with me. The millennial condition some say. My mind and my heart are not pure. I still have to make that eighteen-inch journey and connect my head to my heart. I’ll have to learn how to trust without knowing. Practice gratitude, let’s start there. I have so much to be grateful for.
All of this is holding me back and I’ve been overthinking out of control in the last few days. I’m tossing and torturing myself until dawn trying to bypass my thoughts and my emotions. Trying to avoid dealing with anything. I could completely have different thoughts right now. Good ones. Those that give me bliss and health but I’m weak. My ego is still in control. For now. I got this though. We’re meant triumph. Blah. I’m just hiding from everything politics, my current existential crisis is this; how much of the world events that happened during my life was also just political rhetoric? So many of us red-pilled and we can see that the narratives right now are phony and fake and easily debunkable. The why is what gets me. What are we going to teach kids about 2020? How all of our governments turned on us and we rose up and reclaim our power? Or is the story going to be that we were all saved by creating a one-world socialist government? Everything is in the in-between. Inside myself, in my life and in these world events. So many unknowns and I can barely cope because my ego seems to think that it can control the world.
Last updated September 13, 2020