So yesterday after I spoke with the Divorce Attorney, I was feeling… odd. It is a situation where if Nancy wanted to she could fuck the whole thing, we’d start from scratch, and have to re-do and re-negotiate everything. There are two ways she can do that. FIRST: If she didn’t sign the separation agreement at all. ANSWER: If she didn’t sign at all, we’d dismiss the Separation Case entirely and file a Divorce, starting us over but perhaps getting things more firmly settled more quickly. SECOND: If she filed a motion at any point in the next 12 months that stated she had been “taken advantage of” by “two tricky lawyers” while she remained unrepresented. ANSWER: This matter would cost us both a lot of money as the District Court would say, “Agreements are Agreements” but the Appellate Court would say, “Attorney Spouse could have acted in bad faith.” SO.... at least now I know the two ways shit could go south.
I got back to my office and texted Nancy asking about Signing Away her rights to the joint account (a required portion of the separation), if she’d be over this weekend to take more of her stuff, and if she got the check from the attorney. NOTE: This is at 3:45 I’m asking this. The attorney’s office closes at 5. SHE TELLS ME SHE HASN’T BEEN TO THE ATTORNEY’S YET! What?! WHAT?! I lost my shit a little. Started writing an aggressively incendiary post here and just lost my shit. But to Nancy I said, “You need to go right now and sign that. OR, if you don’t want to or miss a deadline; the smartest way to resolve is to dismiss the separation and file for divorce.” Well… luckily, after me telling her to do what she already knew she had to do, she went to the attorney and signed. I mean… Christ, woman. How much hand holding do you need to navigate your own life?? So… that’s taken care of. I sent her a suggestion/recommendation as to resolution of property in the house and deadline for filing divorce decree… haven’t heard back. Not entirely surprised. I’m sure as soon as she signed the separation, her mind shifted right back into “My new life is my focus” and I just can’t help but keep internally screaming: Can you please finish your old life first? Please? So we can both move on cleanly?
As frustrating as this was, I texted Victoria and said, “At the conclusion of my divorce, I’m taking you and Remus and the kids out to a celebratory dinner! Cuz… damn I did not realize how all this was stressing me.” Victoria said that she wouldn’t resist and would be happy to be part of a celebration of a new chapter starting. And then said that she was already looking forward to delivering a celebratory bj when that happened. And then asked if my test results had come back in yet. So… yeah. I’m thinking she’s feeling fairly keen these days, lol.
Honestly… there is too much in my life already right now to have to continue to worry about Nancy! Get your shit out of my house, your name off my bank account, and finish extricating yourself from my life then go play house! Of the two of us… you’ve already got the most “stable Next” to go to. You should be the one rushing to fix shit so you can throw yourself headlong into this Replacement Family.
Last night was… what I expected and intended but wasn’t productive. Walk the dog, Roll20, go to bed. Pretty straight forward. Tonight and this weekend, though, I have all super planned and hope to accomplish shit.
TONIGHT: Fucker, I don’t care if you DON’T SLEEP, we are getting every nook and cranny finally ultimately tidy! The basement hasn’t been tidy since you bought the new computer! Get on it!! That and walk the dog. And the phone call with the DNC.
TOMORROW: If the house IS tidy, weed the driveway (it got crazy), write out a Fundamentals Grocery List (as offered by Starhawk) as well as pick up some of the “Recommended Health for Returning to Dating” foods I’ve been reading about. Head WAY out of town because apparently I need to in order to properly recycle… recycle, buy food, return home. Walk pupper, bathe pupper, AND IF THE HOUSE IS CLEAN, THE KITCHEN IS STOCKED, THE DOG IS WALKED THEN FINALLY do some self-care and take that much needed, much delayed soak.
SUNDAY: The plan, the hope, is to start figuring out an exercise regiment. I mean… I’ll be honest here.
(1) I want to return to a place where I am okay with how I look. I was never “super happy about it” but I at least to be okay. That is no longer anywhere CLOSE to true.
(2) I’m not expecting that I’ll be able to attract women like Victoria in the dating pool. No matter what I look like. But I acknowledge that if I want to be attractive to women that I find attractive, I have a lot of work to do on myself.
(3) I am, medically speaking, fit enough for sex. However, I would like to be in “good shape for sex.” I don’t want to be “won’t have a heart attack” I want to be “possesses appropriate stamina and muscle strength for thrust”. Maybe weird but… fuck, man. I’m coming from a place of rejection from the wife, I want to make sure if someone is kind enough to accept me sexually, that I can be a full and pleasure-giving participant!
So I want to figure out a good exercise routine that I can stick to. Review the house to make sure it is still clean. Start going through some of the empty rooms. It is going to be a pain in the ass figuring Rooms out with Nancy’s stuff still everywhere but I can at least start boxing stuff and considering options.
I am still focusing on the “surviving not thriving” perspective of living in COVID.
PRE-COVID, (and pre Nancy moving out, I guess) I was able to get down to around 210 pounds. I am now back up to 225 pounds. Is it a more rational and attainable goal to say “I want to be consistently back under 220 pounds by end of year” or is it a more rational and attainable goal to say I want to be at or around 200 pounds by end of year”?
On a completely different note, here’s something I’ve noticed that… I honestly don’t know what it means… good/bad/neutral… and NOT knowing that makes me nervous.
Victoria posts photos to FetLife. Victoria wears sexy things and has demonstrated sexiness to me as well as openly demonstrating a sexual interest in me. In addition to these facts, I am uniquely sexually attracted to her.
I find myself almost entirely apathetic and uninterested in the Chive Girls I see when Meme Hunting. Don’t get me wrong, I can still think “That’s attractive” but the brain chemistry surrounding it is ALL different. Whereas before there was this “But. Oh. I mean. AW! C’mon on!” A sense of longing, of wanting, of being upset that a woman being sexy for me or even near me was all but cut off from me. Now, it’s just. “Huh. Good picture. Moving on.” And I like it… but it worries me. Because what is going on with Victoria isn’t permanent. I know that right now. Though, I honestly don’t know how she feels about that concept. But… at some point, our friendship will return to simply that of friends. When that happens? Will I again find myself upset that I don’t have access to a woman willing to be sexy for me? Even saying that, I acknowledge there is an assumption being made that shouldn’t be. It is entirely within the realm of possibility that I’ll have a healthy, emotional and sexual relationship with another woman that isn’t Victoria. But… “within the realm of possibility” also puts earthquakes and hurricanes in Iowa. Just because it is within the realm of possibility, doesn’t make it likely.
Oh, dear sweet motherfucking stupidity. I mean, I get it. People call me intelligent all the time so what I think is stupid may just be average… but if it is average, may God strike us all down as we fucking deserve!
January 2020, a man is charged with Harassment because he was trying to force his way in to a woman’s house. He didn’t know this woman, she didn’t know him. He just… thought he should be in this house and she was preventing him from doing what he wanted. I get a phone call because he doesn’t want ANY hearings, just plead guilty and go. Okay. Fines, No Contact Order, good luck!
Now 7 months later…he’s trying to move into some Federal Subsidized Housing. But they won’t let him because he has a No Contact Order and a Criminal Charge from the last 12 months. So he calls me and says, “I want the charges dropped, the no contact order lifted, and I want (the victim) charged with assault!” Uhm… sir? The charges can’t be dropped because you plead guilty to them. The No Contact Order can’t be dropped because you tried to force your way into someone else’s house. And we aren’t going to charge her with assault because she was preventing you from entering her home; that would be considered self-defense of self or property. “SO… she gets away with it?! You aren’t going to help me?! You want me to be homeless!!” Sir, I appreciate your position but after the sentence is imposed, our office no longer has the ability to help you. This becomes a matter for you and your personal attorney to deal with either through civil court in response to the Housing rejection or as an attempt to see if the charge can be expunged from your record. “Well, thanks for nothing! Homeless!” (hangs up)
Now I suppose this man could be Alzheimer or Dementia or whatever… but he’s only 60. But… if he did suffer from some brain deterioration, it would explain trying to force his way into a stranger’s home and then thinking that being pushed out of it was assault.
Kept this open in case I wanted to talk about therapy; afterwards I’ll go ahead and save it.
But of course, instant I get off my therapy phone call? I’m busy as hell with phone calls and “office drop bys!”
Ah. Okay, now that I have a few seconds before my next issue.
Therapy was decent. We were discussing the importance of some things:
(1) When Nancy said she needed me to get her something from the house, despite me being at work and her being in the town of the house not working, I got mad. I wrote about it. And I was confused as to why I was mad. THIS is important and needed to be discussed. Apparently, per Therapist, anyone would be mad in that situation. Your wife, at the time even though separation/divorce proceedings, wanted to impose upon you because it was easier than doing something herself because she was spending time with the people she is replacing you with. THAT would make people angry. So, WHY was Christopher confused by the anger? Answer: Because the entire marriage sublimated Christopher and worked to, in essence, brainwash him into disconnecting from the negative emotions involving his interactions with Nancy. At least on some level. You were confused by your anger at an angering situation. Give yourself permission to feel the emotion and let it pass.
(2) As complicated and difficult as the situation with Remus and Victoria’s family may be? We’ll both acknowledge that there are very needed valuable things being experienced here. After five years of constant rejection, a person’s self worth would be absolutely devastated. And in your position, we’re talking about a lot more than 5 years! So for your reaction to someone finding you attractive to be one of doubt, discomfort, and anxiety? That makes sense and it is important that you work through it. You need to know that you DO have worth. You DO have the freedom to be found sexually attractive. Let it happen, allow it to be real. Someone finds you attractive. Accept it. Don’t try to diminish it with “logical analysis as to why it may or may not be related to” blah blah blah. Stop trying to make it less than because you feel less than. Accept it as something good because YOU are good.
(3) As complicated and difficult as the situation with Remus and Victoria’s family may be? We’ll both acknowledge that there are very needed valuable things being experienced here. The fact that they are NOT allowing you to try to “provide worth” by paying for things is important. It is clear that you’re getting around that a bit by being “there for the kids to come over to help out” because both of these impulses come from the same place. You want to PROVIDE worth to these people. You think that you need to DO something or GIVE something for these people to consider you worthy of their time and friendship. You don’t. You needn’t. And this is how co-dependency is created and sustained. You don’t need to bend of yourself for others, or pay for things, or be at anyone’s beck and call for anything. Just be you. Accept that boundaries are good and appreciate that, even when they are hard for you, your friends are helping you understand boundaries by not allowing you to pay for things or buy them things. You don’t need to help, save, or support someone just to feel like you have value. And this is something we’ll need to work on.
(4) As complicated and difficult as the situation with Remus and Victoria’s family may be? We’ll both acknowledge that there are very needed valuable things being experienced here. Divorce is a difficult, lonely, grieving experience in the best of times. Add in this global pandemic and the need to stay socially distanced? At a time when you need people the most to provide hugs, validation, distraction, and support… it is hard to come by. So, despite the complications involved… just, at least, appreciate the friendship, the hugs, the sense of being close to people. It is what we all need as humans anyway, but especially in times of hardship
(5) Lastly, digging into the concept of grief in the divorce. There is grief going on but something else. You seem to be directing not just confusion but anger inward. It’s because you felt you waited too long, tried too hard, did too much work. But it is important that you acknowledge that what you did is a GOOD THING just that it didn’t produce GOOD RESULTS this time. Loyalty, hard work, the willingness to stick it out with someone? All of that is good. The good man who wanted to stand by his wife and honor his vows and work to save the marriage… none of that is bad. You can be disappointed that the hard work and nobility didn’t save the marriage; but don’t lose those things because they are a big part of you and you should be proud of who you are.
That was therapy. We didn’t discuss whether I should have a sexual relationship with Victoria. In large part because I’m not as emotionally conflicted about that anymore. But we discussed the more important elements… because there are things that I’ve needed to work on for a while now that would have helped prevent Aku and would have made the Nancy experience a little different. So… I need to accept and work on believing that I have worth… whether or not I am of service to another.... I need to allow myself to grieve, even if the emotion doesn’t make sense… allow the emotion to exist, breath through it, then let it go..... lean in to how COVID is shouting at as all to live in the present; living in the present isn’t a strong suit (for me) so instead of worrying about what might happen or what could go wrong… when you’re with people who care about you, sit in that moment and appreciate it...... and finally, it is okay to be angry feeling like you stayed too long, but don’t let that anger change the good things about you.
Now? To… return THE MOST annoying phone call of all time!