Her.. and Still Him in Questioning Everything

I am at a loss for what to do. I know I should tell her. Get it over with. Feelings out in the open for others to witness, a weight off my chest, a moment to breathe..... or to stop.

I keep trying to imagine what I would say. What would happen. I know I want to tell her that these feeling exist, but she should understand that I do not expect her to return them. Of course, there will always be that existing hope beneath the surface that she will, but I know it is unrealistic.

I just want these feelings to leave and let me focus. I do not want to make things awkward between us, or between our group. Our friendship is so great. Could I really risk that? Is this one of those risks worth taking? I am not sure.

Visions continue to dance their way across my closed eyelids, painting beautiful pictures of a hopeful romance that I know cannot exist. I am filled with emotions when she is around my mere thoughts, of “a song I can’t get out” (Bloom-The Paper Kites). God I want to kiss her. To know how she relaxes into the crook of my shoulder as we sleep. I want everything.

As if my mind was not confusing enough, there are more emotions to consider. I still hold on to him. The one from before. The one who took my life and lit everything up so beautifully bright. I deleted his contact, finally, in hopes of detaching myself from the last little shred of emotion. The problem with this is that I know the number still. It is there, waiting in my head to be typed in moments of shame.

I was almost through this, and now I am texting him again, trying in vain to be so happy again. And being sad when there are small responses or none at all, though I told myself this would happen in the first place.

I hate human emotions like these. I know that they bring my love of sunsets and passion for several projects, but I hate them. They bring so much confusion and doubt and pointless exhaustion. Maybe I just hate human-ness itself. All of the nutrition essentials and bodily functions. It takes up time.

I should sleep. There is a break in that time if I can find a way into that state of mind.

School has started again. I do not think this is much of a positive because they are trying a new platform and it is going terribly. I have cried more times in the past two weeks than I have in the past five years.
I am trying to decide what to do with my hair. It is getting a bit long again. (Long for me is still incredibly short for most.) I will probably end up cutting it super short again, which will make Mom sad (who thinks my hair looks cute right now), and Dad sadder still (who just wants my long hair back), but I will be a bit more comfortable. It is too difficult to put on my swim cap with this weird stage of hair length. That is really my entire standard. Not too hot when I sweat, and easy cap placement.