Progress... For Her in Questioning Everything

My friend has been having a hard time with the breakup, even though she ended it. I understand. It was a long relationship, and though we are young, there are still strong feelings that develop, maybe even love.

I have been comforting her as much as I can. I even ride over to her house on my bike rides sometimes. Stop to give her strong hugs and occasionally some chocolate. We had a Rite Aid day a week ago with another of our friends. We got some ice cream and hung out for the day.

She seems to be doing much better as of late. She still has a terrible time with mention of ‘him’, but progress is being made. As happy as I am for her, and I feel terrible for this selfish feeling, I despair at which direction her progress is being made in.

The last member for me to mention of our friend group, her best friend, is who she is developing feelings for. I do not object too strongly. They would make a perfect couple. As a matter of fact, nothing much would change between them except for titles maybe a little bit more intimacy.

I have realized before small feelings for this girl, but I have always written them off as mild attraction. True, she is adorable in every way, but her personality only adds to the real beauty she possesses. Over the last year, these feelings have grown steadily stronger, and I have had to get better at denying them.

I still struggle with the pain of these strange feelings towards others. Sure, the books and movies show that it is possible for this to occur for several people at once, but they were also just that. Books and movies. I was unaware until now how realistic it was. I still do not understand these things, and I am tired of trying to untangle the mystery (though I know I cannot stop because not being knowledgeable of something, especially of something occurring within my own mind, messes with me so much it becomes hard to function).

Now that these feelings are put into words, I am starting to hurt a little more, which is taking the opposite effect that I had intended. Most of us knew, deep down, that these two were most likely going to date eventually. Well, now is that eventually. They have not become an official ‘couple’ yet, but it should not be far away. Even their parents are speaking of it casually.

I want to be the one they speak so causally, but highly of. The one who she can rely on for anything and everything whenever she needs. To hold her so damn tight so that she feels just how much I care, kiss her so delicately that she could cry. I want to be able to run to her when I need, and for her to be able to rest on my shoulder comfortably. More than anything, I want to be worthy of all of this.

I should not be so upset. I knew I was never going to have the courage to ask her out on a real date. Not only am I limited by parents, but I know I can not offer anywhere near what she deserves. My plate is already full without a relationship to confuse things more. I am not going to stray from my idea that I am too young to have a genuine relationship with someone, especially with so much occupying my educational and extra-curricular schedule. I can not dedicate the time she deserves to have. They can. They are deserving of her affection.

I have found that, though I rant and complain about others getting themselves into foolish affairs and being upset when things do not work out, I am no different. Maybe I am not as upfront and purposeful with it, but I am a part of this human reaction nonetheless. Unfortunately, I am human, with human reactions. I just wish it were not so difficult to deal with.

-School starts soon. This week actually. It is all online, but at least they are trying.

-Grammy has made it to our place. She has to have more eye surgery, so she is staying with us for a while. There was quite a lot of stress about getting her here, and then managing taking care of bother her and Nana, but so far so good, so I am counting it as a positive.

-Our small friend group is planning a pool day tomorrow so we can hang out before school begins (we begin on Wednesday). I am excited to see them again.