The Human Feeling in Questioning Everything

My mind twirls with so many thoughts and emotions. I am scared. I do not want to feel all of this anymore.

What sucks the most, is that I know it is all technically in my head. I know that “it’s okay to feel this way” and all the other advice. But I do not think it is. The brain is wired to release these chemicals and it is affecting every part of me. I do not want these chemicals floating in my brain. Not even the edorphins.

I understand that this is wrong of me to say, but I want nothing more than to be completely and utterly numb. To go about life like inhumane droids, wandering Earth and fulfilling only required duties. Numb people want to feel something, so I know this must sound terribly bad. But if those people are really numb, they should not have the ability to want out.

I hate how selfish and cruel this sounds, but I envy the emotionless. I do not want to care anymore. Yes, this would mean not being passionate about things I care about, but I cannot take the good with the bad anymore. Everything is off balance, and the bad is winning. I am tired of caring.

I miss Papa. I keep thinking he is going to walk through the door when Nana comes in. I am waiting to hear him laugh with Dad at T.V. shows, or tell me stories over dinner. I want to play Tripol-ey and Uno again, (the games we play on New Year’s with him) and smell the cigars while he and Dad barabque at the grill.

I want him to come back. I know it is useless to wish for such things, but I want my Papa back. I understand that the dead do not return. If there is an afterlife, which I do not believe there is, that is where he will stay. If there is nothing, it does not change anything. He is gone and I do not have Papa.

The things in which I am caring for are silly. Maybe not the greif over my grandfather, but the fact that hearbroken longing after a friend I have been pointlessly hanging on to for half a year overrides that grief is wrong. I am sure the mind is trying to distract itself from darker thoughts, but this should not be the go-to.

Then there is losing my friend (which I think I might have had some feeligns for but I do not know becaus that whole concept is weird to me). I should not be holding still. I do not want to hold on, but I cannot help wanting him to come back. For things to be okay again.

Everything keeps coming back to him. Why? I was sure the friendship we had was not at all dependent I started to become happy everywhere, not just with him. But now I am second-guessing myself. I hope I am just grieving over the loss.

I keep texting him. I promised I would not, but I cannot help it. I have stopped myself from sharing everything that I wish to, but it becomes too much and I text him something random. Why do I put myself through that kind of torment? I need to let go but it hurts so much when I try. I do not want to care anymore.

But the sad truth is: I do care. I care so much my chest aches unbearably and my feet go numb. My lungs freeze up and I cannot breathe. I lay for hours and hours gasping for air that refuses to grant me peace.

When the cold air finally breaches my airways, it stings, and the tears start to drip down my face. They fall past my cheeks, around my ears, and pool on the pillow below my head. Everythign hurts, and I am still moving.

Why is it that I cannot just be numb already?

I guess I should start the habit of finding positives so here is an attempt.

I am almost done with my tree mural. It is turning out well. I have some fixing up to do, but it should be finished soon. I am excited for that. Mother’s Day is soon. I am getting a Swimmer Mom shirt for her and making a bouquet of tissue paper roses.