On Nightmares in Reconstruction

  • June 12, 2020, 3:54 p.m.
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So, I’ve been having intense and worsening nightmares this entire month. So far 11 nights of nightmares. Really intense, mostly violent and humiliating and disturbing. None of which I wanted to share here because they were that bad. Seriously. Like… they’ve been impacting my ability to sleep because my body, while tired, doesn’t want to go through the nightmare world anymore.

I decided to write this because… I wanted to demonstrate what I’ve been going through each night but mostly? This was the kindest dream I’ve had in 11 nights. While it is still a nightmare; at least I wasn’t dead by the end of it and at least when I woke up I had an erection. Considering my nocturnal cinematic horrors of late… this almost qualifies as a really good dream comparatively.

It started with me coming to. I had no idea where I was; but I knew that I had been severely beaten (my body in pain and quite clearly bruised and bloodied) and transported somewhere. No idea how, or why, or by whom. Just… woke up, understood I’d been incredibly beaten and taken somewhere. The next thing I noticed, as I was starting to assess my surroundings; was that I was tied down to a bed in thick red rope. Hands tied over my head; torso wrapped; legs wrapped (but together). It was very much the “tied to the bed” of a hostage and not the “tied to the bed” of a fun sexually kinky evening. That being said? Suddenly two people burst into the room.

But it wasn’t “two people burst in to yell or assault”. It was two people making out heavily that seemed to simply be looking for a bed to use. Unfortunately for me, the one I was tied to was the one they decided to use. They didn’t even realize I was there at first. They’re into each other, clothes start flying, he inserts himself into her and she starts saying “Do you want to kiss my neck?” To which I respond, “I would if I could reach.” Instead of shock or surprise, she reacts with anger and disgust. Accusing me of being some voyeuristic pervert. When she sees that I don’t make a move to leave, and sees the pain in my eyes at her mean words, she just keeps going. While her man is pistoning into her, between moans she spits hate and anger towards me. And as she sees that my own pants begin to tent with my erection building; she goes deeply personal. A long stream of “You could never please a woman. Nobody would ever want you. You’re a disgusting freak with nothing to offer.” Things of that nature. On and on and on. All while moaning and having sex with another man. Towards the end, this woman actually removed my erection from my trousers and said, “At least it doesn’t look like some diseased stubby little nothing.”

And then I woke up. And in my month of nightmares so far… that nightmare has been the kindest, least scary, least upsetting. So… that’s where I am right now.


Purple Dawn June 12, 2020

Can you find a good therapist? One that is board registered and not one that is a couples counsellor or something? I think it could help :) Take care,

Amaryllis June 12, 2020

Yes, this is very serious very impactful life change, you need to make finding an in person therapist you trust and respect your top priority if it is not already. Move in with a friend or get unemployment if you need to. The harm you can do to yourself from processing a change like this without guidance and support is significant.

Rivercity June 12, 2020

Your dreams are not your friends, and they don't reflect reality. Personally, I think you should wait a decent interval and then look for work again in a different city--like Iowa City, for example, which is actually very cool.

DimMeOut June 13, 2020

Holy hell... I'm so sorry!! I hope these nightmares will go away soon!

DE_KentuckyGirl June 14, 2020

Wow that's a heavy dream. Can't even imagine the others you are having.

There arw article out saying that many are having very vivid and disturbing dreams since the lockdown. Processing a major traumatic life event is certainly a recipe for having really bad ones during this time of multiple stressors in your life. Not to mention, the things you see in your profession that most dont have to deal with on rare occasion, much less daily. Take care and I am in the camp with those who say find a good therapist and maybe consider a change in type of job you are doing, even if temporary

Rhapsody in Purple June 15, 2020

Dreams are so weird. Where do they come from? I hope your dreams improve because it sucks when they impact your waking hours tik

Always Laughing June 18, 2020

my dreams are getting worse as my anxiety increases I have a feeling that is partly why your nightmares are getting so bad. If you still have your therapist I would get an appt. And see what help they can give.

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