The Worry Seeps In in Life

  • May 22, 2020, 11:56 a.m.
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You can tell I’ve been thinking a lot again, probably a little too much as I’m starting to worry again. While it’s been great the past week while I focus on beginning and maintaining an active routine, I’m to the point now of just ‘picking’ a thing and doing it. Which is great. But now in the downtime I’m starting to worry.

I’m worried that this is just a peak and my slightly depressive mood today seems to be latching onto that. Like in a couple of weeks I’ll go back to my old ways of sitting around and doing nothing. Because that’s whats happened the other hundred times I’ve tried to take on a new perspective.

I’m worried that Pam won’t be able to/doesn’t want to keep up. I remember putting in my dating profile at the time that I wanted someone active and, it may surprise some to find out that that’s rarely what you find. And this isn’t something that ‘may’ change. Pam has a ‘bad knee’ (despite xray and other tests showing nothing wrong with it but I won’t go there any deeper than I already have) I’m not going to lie, I’ve thought about divorce several times through out these unprecedented but I continually push it away because… well it’s unprecedented times. I’m stuck at home slowly going crazy while she quietly works at her computer. And now that the weather is getting better I’m going out for an hour skate almost daily (know when to stop!) and she didn’t even want to take Elly out for a walk today at lunch. Like… I’m worried that I’m going to get active and she’s not and that’s going to create a divide in our relationship.

Mind you even as I type that I don’t like the sound of that. It’s like I’m assuming that I’m going to get better and somehow be better than her. The concept leaves a bitter taste in my mind. Pam has a tendency of saying things like “Well I don’t know what you want me to do” which reminds me of the Simpsons episode with Flanders’ parents being the beatniks (?) and saying “We’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas!” that’s what it feels like. And myself, being a problem solver, kinda feel like I have 2 children sometimes.

An example of this is that her chair was broken and not staying elevated. It was a gift my mom got her for her birthday a couple years ago and a couple months after getting it, this problem arose. So instead of dealing with it, “no it’s fine” so okay, I leave it at that until she’s gotta work from home full time and she just stole my computer chair insisting that I “could take it back anytime I need to” which would, of course, then bring on a tryrade of huffs and puffs and sore backs and legs and whatever else. I’m no fool, I’ve done this dance before. So it’s created this problem that she refused to deal with that has now become my problem that I have to deal with. And I’m stubborn. So I utterly refuse to deal with it because I’m not a god damned care-taker.

And that last sentence there is really the genesis of this whole chapter of writings. I felt like I was a caretaker to their lives and no one was taking care of me. And when I implied that I wanted to take care of myself by alone time or whatever, I get things like “Well I need a day off too” and the sorts.

In summary, it’s really frustrating and I’m worried that I’m just doing all this to escape the underlying problem that any discussion becomes an issue or immediately is “due to the trauma” and after that point I immediately feel like there’s nothing I can say or do. It’s just “okay while I have to accept this, adjust, and move on because the only person I can rely on is myself” which is really something that I’ve been echoing my entire life and it’s really fucking burning me out.


DE_KentuckyGirl 2 days ago (edited 2 days ago)

Edited

If you're not gonna deal with it, take your chair back? lol She huffs and puffs about sore back,simply say "yeah maybe it's time to get your chair fixed or buy yourself a new one." Not your problem. Or get yourself a new one.

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but is it possible to both have your own seperate thing? My husband and I enjoly things separately that the other doesnt and we are both ok with the other partaking in those activities without the other feeling pressured to do it too.

DE_Da_Bartender DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ 5 hours ago

She's dealing with it now after I sat on a stack of books in protest of her not dealing with it. You're right, I should have taken it back but that would have resulted in more fights and her being in a worse place and she's already in a not-great place because of her family stuff going on. Part of me wanted her to find the solution by herself but I definitely didn't handle it in the most conducive or constructive way.

DE_KentuckyGirl DE_Da_Bartender ⋅ 3 hours ago

You know, I get your thinking regarding her, believe it or not. I struggle with it with my husband and have asked myself why I am so resistant to just simply doing it for him, something like ordering another chair for instance in the case of your wife (or taking it in for repair). How easy would that be? How kind would that be? When I dig more, I think it comes from a place of he's a grown man, not a child, and I shouldn't have to do these things for him, he should do the himself. But then I'll take on the burden of bad feelings over it.

Instead I've tried to take different approach. My husband doesn't think like me. I have expectations that he will deal with things the way I do. He just....doesn't usually. And I wont change him in many of these things no matter what I do, nor do I want to have bad feelings over something that is fairly easy for me to take action on and give my spouse some grace. Sometimes I do find myself resenting that too.

Mercurial Muse 2 days ago

I understand your frustration. But at the same time, I can't help but think that right now is not the time to make any big decisions. Because things are very weird.

As for "I don't know what you want me to do" I think the simple solution is to have a Frank conversation about what you're hoping to see. Concrete actionable examples. My husband can be similar but to be fair he isn't a mind reader. If I say "I need you to take more initiative," that's too vague for him. I need him to set his own reminders on his phone to call the contractor, not tell me to remind him tomorrow. If he needs meds for nail fungus, he needs to write it down on our white board and not tell me to write it down for him.

Maybe she doesn't know how to fulfil your expectations and therefore feels overwhelmed by them?

DE_Da_Bartender Mercurial Muse ⋅ 5 hours ago

This is a really good comment. Thank you.

You're 100% right. I think the next time she says it, I'll try to work through it with her and maybe ask more pointed questions with 'the next step' kinda perspective and see how that goes.

Less vague, I like that. I'll have to work on that lol.

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