You can tell I’ve been thinking a lot again, probably a little too much as I’m starting to worry again. While it’s been great the past week while I focus on beginning and maintaining an active routine, I’m to the point now of just ‘picking’ a thing and doing it. Which is great. But now in the downtime I’m starting to worry.
I’m worried that this is just a peak and my slightly depressive mood today seems to be latching onto that. Like in a couple of weeks I’ll go back to my old ways of sitting around and doing nothing. Because that’s whats happened the other hundred times I’ve tried to take on a new perspective.
I’m worried that Pam won’t be able to/doesn’t want to keep up. I remember putting in my dating profile at the time that I wanted someone active and, it may surprise some to find out that that’s rarely what you find. And this isn’t something that ‘may’ change. Pam has a ‘bad knee’ (despite xray and other tests showing nothing wrong with it but I won’t go there any deeper than I already have) I’m not going to lie, I’ve thought about divorce several times through out these unprecedented but I continually push it away because… well it’s unprecedented times. I’m stuck at home slowly going crazy while she quietly works at her computer. And now that the weather is getting better I’m going out for an hour skate almost daily (know when to stop!) and she didn’t even want to take Elly out for a walk today at lunch. Like… I’m worried that I’m going to get active and she’s not and that’s going to create a divide in our relationship.
Mind you even as I type that I don’t like the sound of that. It’s like I’m assuming that I’m going to get better and somehow be better than her. The concept leaves a bitter taste in my mind. Pam has a tendency of saying things like “Well I don’t know what you want me to do” which reminds me of the Simpsons episode with Flanders’ parents being the beatniks (?) and saying “We’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas!” that’s what it feels like. And myself, being a problem solver, kinda feel like I have 2 children sometimes.
An example of this is that her chair was broken and not staying elevated. It was a gift my mom got her for her birthday a couple years ago and a couple months after getting it, this problem arose. So instead of dealing with it, “no it’s fine” so okay, I leave it at that until she’s gotta work from home full time and she just stole my computer chair insisting that I “could take it back anytime I need to” which would, of course, then bring on a tryrade of huffs and puffs and sore backs and legs and whatever else. I’m no fool, I’ve done this dance before. So it’s created this problem that she refused to deal with that has now become my problem that I have to deal with. And I’m stubborn. So I utterly refuse to deal with it because I’m not a god damned care-taker.
And that last sentence there is really the genesis of this whole chapter of writings. I felt like I was a caretaker to their lives and no one was taking care of me. And when I implied that I wanted to take care of myself by alone time or whatever, I get things like “Well I need a day off too” and the sorts.
In summary, it’s really frustrating and I’m worried that I’m just doing all this to escape the underlying problem that any discussion becomes an issue or immediately is “due to the trauma” and after that point I immediately feel like there’s nothing I can say or do. It’s just “okay while I have to accept this, adjust, and move on because the only person I can rely on is myself” which is really something that I’ve been echoing my entire life and it’s really fucking burning me out.