The Contrast of Personalities in Life
- May 25, 2020, 6:30 a.m.
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- Public
I think one of the biggest problems that Pam and I encounter in our relationship is that we have very different ways of dealing with problems. And when that’s the biggest thing that’s creating a rift, I think that’s a pretty good position.
She’s shown great improvement over the past couple of days in this matter but still I want to write about it so that I can unpack it and move on.
I… am not a patient man. Shocking I know! But when I see a problem I think of a way to solve it and I want to take the steps to solve it as quickly as time allows. My chair is broken, time to look up the cost of a new chair, or part, or warranty and then budget or whatever else needs to be done.
Where as Pam encounters a problem and she wants to give it time to see if it will solve itself. Or, she doesn’t want to trouble people with her problem so she ignores it until it can’t be ignored (Probably due in part to her childhood trauma)
That… Contrast… really creates a clash between us and I want her to get better at dealing with problems because I don’t want to hold her hand through life. As she is a woman and we have a daughter, she’s going to be the main role model (right? - legit asking) and I don’t want our daughter to look up to her and think that if she ignores her problems someone else will come along and solve it for her or tell her what direction to go in.
I think that’s a lot of what bothers me. We’re beyond conventional sort of role models to others. We’re role models to our own. So a lot of what I do, I think of how Elly will take it in stride as she grows up. My biggest fear is that one day she’ll ask things like “how come Mommy never vaccuums” or “Why is mommy always on her phone” or something like that. Kids are scathing man. Some of the questions my Niece asked me about her (alcoholic) mother when she was younger. Woof. They were hard hitting questions. Granted Pam is no where near as degenerative as an Alcoholic but Elly already watches everything we do and as she expresses herself more, I’m worried her questions will end up with me having to soften the blow.
A lot of the reason I’m forcing myself into being more physically active these days is so that Elly doesn’t ask why we can’t keep up with her.
DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ May 25, 2020 (edited May 25, 2020)
Edited
My husband does the same as Pam. Ignores problems until it hits a crisis point and, even then, if he can ignore it longer, he will.
Curious as to Pam's MBTI type? I know it's not a be all/end all answer, but I found that understanding my husband's personality type along with mine helped me understand his way of thinking better. It made me a bit less resentful to pick up some of his slack. I view it more about keeping my own life consistent, and our family. Some things, if I wait for him to act, can affect ALL of us. So I resign that it's pretty much my role in our family to take up certain things if I want them done a certain way, rather than harboring resentment that my husband isn't different and having an expectation that he will act differently than he has in all his years of being an adult.
Mercurial Muse ⋅ May 25, 2020
Okay, as a daughter, I wouldn't say my mother was my main role model. I would actually be hard pressed to choose between her and my father. They were both very active in my up bringing. What's important isn't the gender of the parent, but the quality of time and communication invested in the child I think.
Also kids ask scathing questions regardless of how much a degenerate the parent is. There is no real avoiding it. They will notice some flaw of yours and then just sucker punch you with a question about it and it will make you question everything about yourself.
I completely understand the worry now that my twins are 9 months and I see the wheels turning in their heads and the connections they are making. And you can't force Pam to change the way she parents. I don't know why Pam is always on her phone, but if it's work related, maybe Pam sees herself modeling what a successful career person looks like.
DE_Da_Bartender Mercurial Muse ⋅ May 26, 2020
"They will notice some flaw of yours and then just sucker punch you with a question about it and it will make you question everything about yourself."
Can't wait to write that entry lol.
Yea I think her phone is more of an escape for her but it's exactly like you say, I see Elly making the connections when we're both on our phones and I try to recognize that and put my phone down and take her to play with toys or something along those lines.
I feel like approaching this topic with Pam is something I should be trying to do but at the same time I don't want to add more baggage to her pile.