Entries 93

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July, August, September, October, November… Nothing much changes. I’m working now. My industry figured out how to move online and now I’m working more than I ever did before when I had to fly ...

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Can’t believe it’s been two months since I last wrote in here. All I’ve been doing is playing the piano, really, and learning music theory. I’m pretty good at sightreading and can play almost a...

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I got my new piano today. I also learned how music works. When I was six, I taught myself how to play the piano from someone else’s book, and after that the piano lessons I had only taught me ...

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I can’t concentrate. I was in such a good headspace for the first month of the lockdown, really relaxed and kind of happy, writing a lot and doing all kinds of things at home. But now my brain ...

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When I was growing up, my every goal was about travel. I wanted to live in London and travel, that’s all the ambition I had for my future. Now, at just over 40, I’ve been almost everywhere I’ve...

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I’m glad I wrote that last entry because it’s the first time I’ve actually let myself recall those first few months after Jon died. I didn’t realise what a whirlwind my life was, how rarely I wa...

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Last night’s entry about good things helped my state of mind a lot. It hasn’t changed anything practical, obviously, but right now the only thing I can change is my state of mind so I’m going to...

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I hate being so negative. Let’s look at some things I’m really happy about. No. 1. Right now the thing that makes me happiest is that in January I got to see Jamie and Tyler and Patrick and Jon...

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So far I haven’t minded the lockdown in the UK too much. Although I’m not one of those lucky enough to have a job where I can work from home, I do have savings that will get me through at least ...

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It’s beautiful here today. It started raining in September and has been cold and miserable and overcast ever since, until we went into lockdown in mid March and suddenly the clouds disappeared....

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I was supposed to fly to Dubai today. Should’ve been boarding that plane right now. I’m not really telling time by what day of the week or date of the month is, just by trips not taken. First ...

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I know this is being a terrible struggle for so many people, but for me it’s mostly a relief. I can stop travelling, stop flying, stop living in hotels, stop working. All I have to do is stay s...

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I haven’t been on this site for more than a year. I actually forgot the name of it and my old computer died and I didn’t have it bookmarked so I lost it. I went to read the last entry I wrote, w...

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Two massive goodbyes this past week. One was to the man I’ve been in love with for the past four years. I honestly didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was, since we’ve hardly seen each other fo...

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I’ve just reread my last entry. It turns out I wrote it just before everything started turning around for the better. It started with a potential job offer to move to the US and work for a ver...

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Sometimes I think I’m not recovering at all. Sometimes I worry I’m getting worse. Since I quit travelling nine months ago, I struggle to go anywhere but work. For these Easter holidays I prom...

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A year ago we said goodbye to you. You’d already been dead for five months and nine days. At the time it felt like forever. Now it feels like you died only a few weeks ago. I’m not sure why ...

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Things are starting tomorrow. I’ve been waiting for months and suddenly it’s all happening at once and I don’t feel ready but I know the minutes are passing and tomorrow will dawn and I’ll be in...

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Sadly a Sebastian-less Singapore. That day five months ago seeing him and Chris at Marina Bay Sands heralded a massive change in my life. At the time it felt important, and it’s not been quick o...

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Something truly lovely happened yesterday, totally by chance. I was supposed to be in Hong Kong but I’d asked not to go, preferring to remain in Singapore this week even though there wasn’t much...

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I don’t know why. No, I do. It’s because I never write at all. I’ve been struggling with very severe depression this year and it just doesn’t seem to go away. The good thing is that the anxiety ...

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It does. I just haven’t been able to write about it recently. I’m on Instagram, though: leashipp, if you want to see what I’ve been doing. These days I find it a lot easier to communicate thro...

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Actually it was yesterday, but I haven’t slept yet so I can pretend that I’m still living in a day that he was alive in. It hasn’t been 24 hours yet. 24 hours ago he was waking up and preparing...

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I’m not writing here because I’m not writing anywhere. Since April, I’ve given myself a bit of a holiday from writing. I’m not sure why, it wasn’t planned, but it’s turning into a habit that’s ...

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From London to Newcastle to Wycombe to Bristol to Manchester....with Canterbury, Edinburgh, Leicester and Sheffield to come, interrupted by Dubai and possibly Moscow. This wasn’t quite how I pic...

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