November in All Good Things

July, August, September, October, November…

Nothing much changes.

I’m working now. My industry figured out how to move online and now I’m working more than I ever did before when I had to fly between countries and continents for jobs. On some days I wake up at 2am to do several hours of work for Singapore or Hong Kong, then once daytime starts here in England, I switch over to here - or to Dubai, where I’m also doing a lot of work for. I earned more money in October than I’ve ever earned in a month before and now I’m totally burnt out but I’m booked every week day between now and Christmas.

I’m grateful. I keep reminding myself of the fear during the summer, of those months ticking past and my savings constantly diminishing. I’m so grateful I have a job that could move online and that I have regular work. Most of my friends are in the arts, and they still have nothing. My best friend works in film and she hasn’t worked a single day since March.

The world is so insane.

Mostly I cope with it by not thinking about it. I’ve blocked most news sites and social media from my computer, because I kept flipping to them and getting myself all agitated. Now I can only go to them on my phone and it’s not nearly so convenient and usually I can’t be bothered. My quality of life improved dramatically when I did that. Although I’m aware it doesn’t mean that’s not all going on outside. My country is still falling apart, it still has no plan for coronavirus or the people who live here. We’re about to crash out of Europe with no deal, and the United Kingdom is becoming more disunited by the day, and Boris the buffoon hasn’t a single clue how to govern, and the Tories just keep giving millions and billions to their mates and letting the people starve. Shit. I hate this.

I’m still not tired of staying at home. England is back in a full lockdown situation as of two weeks ago and, to be honest, nothing about my life changed. I go grocery shopping once every ten days or so; otherwise I only go out for my daily walk along the sea or up on the cliffs. I’m so grateful I moved to the coast last year because this would be so much harder in London. And my house is big, spacious and bright, with three floors so you can get plenty of exercise just moving around during the day, and you never feel trapped in one place. That also helps a lot.

In the first 2.5 months of this year I went to Dubai twice, to Edinburgh four times, and to New York and Chicago. Since then I’ve only left my hometown once, and that was in August when I went to Geneva for a week for work. It was the first real work I got after coronavirus stopped everything in mid-March, and I was upset that I had to risk my life to go out into the world and on aeroplanes and staying in hotels, but so, so grateful for the income at last. It was also a bit of a holiday, tough work and long hours, but really nice to be in a city I love but hadn’t visited for many years, next to the mountains and that gorgeous lake. I enjoyed the week a lot, but that was quite enough going out into the world for me.

I was meant to be going to Istanbul today. Back at the end of March I was meant to do a job in Amman, Jordan, but it got postponed several times (unsurprisingly) and they ended up moving it to Istanbul and set it for the last two weeks of November. I agreed to that, on the condition that things with the virus improved. As we all know, the opposite has happened, so in mid-October I told the company I wasn’t comfortable with going. They kept trying to convince the clients to switch to online, but some of the clients come from Iran and said their internet wasn’t reliable enough, so they’ve insisted on holding it in person in Istanbul. I don’t know what’s happened with it. The company found someone else who was willing to travel, but that was before the new lockdown happened and most international flights have been cancelled.

I love Istanbul, haven’t been there since 2013, but I’m heartily glad I’m not there tonight. It’s terrifying, living in a hotel in these times. I got SO stressed in Geneva. I was used to my safe home where no one ever visits and anything that comes in gets disinfected immediately, and suddenly I was in a hotel room where every single thing could be potentially infected. My anxiety went ballistic until it got to the point where I had to basically resign myself and accept the situation, otherwise I wouldn’t have coped. But it was really hard to sleep when I was in a bed surrounded by sheets and blankets that I had no idea how safe they were! And getting food was so complicated, because you have no idea how safe anything is - and I swear to God, I watch all these people happily going to restaurants (when they’re open, that is) and I’m baffled by how willing they are to take risks. That one single week in Geneva was more than enough for me.

And I’ve actually already HAD the virus, and I had it really mildly, so I’m probably quite safe anyway. But still, fuck, anxiety’s destructive.

Anyway, I’m glad I’m not in Istanbul tonight.

It’s so weird talking to my dad or brother on the phone. They live in New Zealand and Australia and everything’s normal there. It’s surreal. They can’t imagine what we’re going through, and I feel like they live on another planet.

This is going to be an interesting winter. How are we going to get through it? I pray that the virus is running its course and that things won’t get horrific. I hope we make it to next spring and everything starts to get better. It’s a fascinating time period of history to be living through. I remind myself of that a lot.

I don’t feel like I’m missing too much. Most of my friendships are online anyway, because I’m travelling all the time, so that’s not much different. I still chat to my friends as much as ever. I LOVE not having to spend so much of my life in airports and on planes. I don’t really miss the theatre, since I’d largely stopped going well before coronavirus. I managed to see one show this summer, put on by a dancer friend of mine at an outdoor theatre on the beach in Brighton. It was lovely to see him again, and horrible that we couldn’t hug. I was really proud of him for managing to get some theatre going in the midst of the utter ruination of his life.

I do miss hockey. Fuck, I miss hockey so much. It was wonderful having two months of it in August and September, and my team went all the way to the Stanley Cup finals so I had hockey I was invested in right the way through to the very last game - but now it’s all gone and it’s November and there should be hockey damn it! Rewatching last season on NHL.com just isn’t the same.

I’ve got into astronomy recently, and I’m learning all the constellations and how they move and it’s wonderful. I love new passions.

I’m still playing the piano every day, learning more and more. Still loving it.

I wonder if I’ll ever want to go anywhere again. Right now I don’t. I have the sea and the stars and the internet and my piano. What more do I need?

Friday was the 11th anniversary of the day I got married. I am so glad these lockdowns didn’t happen while I was married. I shudder for women (and children) who’ve been trapped with violent, abusive men. At least I escaped.