Same and Different in 2014

One of the great tragedies in my life was losing Courtney at the same time as the theater. During a time when I was desperate for encouragement and guidance, when I needed help to understand a rapidly changing world, when I needed to reconsider some of the deepest aspects of my life and longed for an outsider's point of view, I was alone. But for my girlfriend. Who was young and full of her own problems. Many of which I caused. It comes to mind again lately because of the renewed importance of said one time girlfriend in my life.

I am, of course, pining for Amber because that's what I do. I pine over lost things. I suppose that I could love anybody forever and ever provided they left me quickly enough. It's disgusting. But it's something that I can't seem to free myself from. I decided to end things with Amber a while ago. I believe I wrote about that here. She figured it out, and I explained things to her.

For one thing, I now understand why it is that people demonize exes. They have to. It's hard, it's SO hard to not do it. This person was a part of you, and now they're not. They need to be a bad guy. It needs to be something with them. It's so hard to just remove a person from your life who you like. It's harder the more you care. It's also hard when they don't care as much. Or in the same way. And if you know with all certainty that they will never EVER believe that you cared. Or care. Sadly, the one person more dismissive of my emotions than I am is Amber.

I see her at rehearsal, and of course I want her. But I don't know if I want her or if I want an illusion. Or if I want an ideal. Or if I want a memory. Or if I want a second chance. I don't know almost anything about her, for all intents and purposes. What I've seen, I like. But, the trouble is (as always) that what I see I really like, and that's enough to confuse the best of us. At the same time, even if she didn't have boyfriend, even if I didn't look like this, it wouldn't work. As I work hard to maintain my distance from her, I can see a small amount of interest in me as a person, but it's only small. I'm a leftover. I'm a relic. I hate being a relic. I'm so damned tired of being a relic. Still, I suppose I've no room to complain. At least I'm not a footnote. I, hopefully, still get my picture and brief five sentence biography in the story of her life.

I'm disgusted because I want her, but I still pine for others. For Amanda, for example. It's not as active, but, again, I don't really see her. Every now and again, I get Rachael pangs. Which is disgusting. What am I supposed to do? Is this normal? I just don't know. I don't know what more to say, or how to go into this. Is this all just normal? Am I just an INCREDIBLY average person who is so self absorbed as to turn the normal facts of life into dilemmas that ruin everything?

Probably.

That's part of where the title comes from.

I drove home tonight from the theater. Thought about calling Kat. Thought about calling Courtney. Realized that neither of those options would be appropriate (and that Courtney hates phones anyway). Then I thought about calling Japan Katie (who now lives in Arizona). I realized that nothing had changed. She's the one I'd call when I was driving home from Rachael's and was feeling bad. Instead, I listened to a terrible On Point on NPR about a subject I don't even care about. What was there to do? I can't stand to think any more circles around this issue. I can't even have the decency to pine over one girl and flop all over another. Instead, I've got to be pining and lusting and pursuing and avoiding and everything all together in some adolescent dramatic fantasy.

Honestly, I'm so disgusted with myself. What's worse is that I don't do almost anything regarding the things that disgust me. It's just what I think. It's how I think. It's what I am. And that's something that I don't know if anybody can alter. And that's why it always seems so reasonable to just get rid of me. How does one clear one's thoughts but by emptying one's head? Don't worry. For whatever reason I won't, but it's appealing again as it hasn't been in a long time. I'm just tired of being a constant failure and disappointment, and not seeing any way to change it in any aspect of life. Like I said before, I don't know what I want or what'll make me happy. Solution seems logical enough. But I can't have it. And an illogical life is frustrating.