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1.) The worst part of anxiety is there are things normal and easy MOST OF THE TIME then every once in a while The Fear stirs and freezes you. 2.) Yes, I didn’t pick up those ice cubes I dropped b...

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1.) I’m basically water, coming up to the shape and level of the vessel I’m poured into, for better, for worse. Dunno if everyone is but I am. 2.) Why am I awake? Why, am I awake? Why am I, awake...

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1.) I’m just saying, if it were “Danzig With The Stars” I might actually watch it. 2.) If Hershey’s ever got into a tax scandal, I bet they could tell the FBI “There’s no accounting for taste!” a...

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1.) Some people do their best to help the environment because it’s the right thing, others are just being ego-friendly. 2.) Tebow’s a strong man, he’ll hit homers against green kids with one pitc...

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1.) Orange juice never did well in school, the teacher was always yelling “CONCENTRATE!” 2.) G.I. Joe Villain Names That Would Work Equally Well For A Dominatrix: Baroness, Dr. Mindbender, Cobra ...

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1.) In the end, explosions and dead bodies are ratings and media of all ideological stripes will always root for more money. 2.) The sun like a fickle lover, burning us and then again coming back...

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1.) If you don’t like the same generic ABC sitcom with just the ethnicity changed, don’t worry, there’ll be another in a half hour. 2.) I try to be news-informed but, Christ, Syria is so horrifyi...

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1.) Trouble is just like toilet paper, whether we wanna admit it or not, we all go through it sometimes. 2.) I occasionally call Ollie “Doggie-Doggie Panic” but I fear he is ignorant to the devel...

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1.) When we let “career politician” be an insult instead of a compliment, this is what we get. Career politicians are less corrupt than people who move between business and public service because...

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1.) I sure hope that the Billy Mays biopic will be called AMAYSING. Also, if you need a lead, I can grow a thick beard. 2.) There is a term for giving a billion in tax dollars to a rich man for a...

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1.) Cockrings are anti-climactic. 2.) They found The Beast bloated, lying on the floor, belching. “Where is Beauty?” they screamed. “Don’t you know Beauty is on the inside?” 3.) A classier name f...

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1.) The greatest Scandinavian baseball player was of course Whitey Fjord. 2.) The greatest Discordian baseball player was of course Whitey Fnord. 3.) The Dominos Army was unstoppable until the pi...

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1.) If you have to tell someone else who or what they are so that you can reinforce your own fragile worldview? That’s on you, not them. 2.) Few things put me more at war with the divided forces ...

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1.) I’m not “limited edition”, I’m weird. 2.) If you’re even in a fight with a kleptomaniac, yell “take that!” and it will confuse the hell out of them. 3.) I like to believe that just before Ear...

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1.) Your album of Dylan covers in the voice of Freddy Kreuger will be called “Exile On Elm Street”. 2.) If nothing else, this drives a stake into the heart of that myth that “businessmen would go...

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1.) Don’t say “I can’t do this”. Say “I can’t do this yet”. With practice and time, very few things are truly impossible. 2.) Pulpy orange juice: for people who think liquid is supposed to have c...

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1.) Your rom-com that takes place at a medical marijuana dispensary will be called ROMANCING THE STONED. 2.) When cowboys want a more formal dinner, they call in the Charles Wagon instead. 3.) Ge...

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1.) Covering Hanson songs in the style of Charles Manson as “Manson” makes sense because “Mmmbopgimmiebopawoobop” is something he’d say. 2.) If your Pokemon themed porno doesn’t involve “Vulvasau...

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1.) Dear classical composers, name something “The Bowel Suite” so NPR announcers have to refer to a Bowel Movement. 2.) After atomic war, only papa twinkies and papa roaches will survive. 3.) He ...

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1.) Felix’s Law: The thinner the fabric of your shirt, the higher the chance that a kitty will want to knead your belly. 2.) Transformers could’ve been called Wereplanes and, really, it would’ve ...

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1.) I hope all you Never Hillarys enjoy the people of the Dakotas being poisoned by the Keystone Pipeline because that’s what you helped get. 2.) Stop worrying about hardworking brown people stea...

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1.) Prepper psychos have a premise “Grayman” about blending in to survive so of course they sell shirts that say “Grayman” in big letters. 2.) Remember: because guns are well controlled in Britai...

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1.) The one political vendetta I’d WANT Fake President to pursue is disappearing Billy Fuccillo for using that moronic “YUUUUGE!” schtick first. 2.) Things get slow in Canadian winter. “Here’s a ...

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1.) Nearly every conversation I’ve overheard in this airport was about medical troubles (dialysis, two different cancers) but sure, fake president, kill healthcare. 2.) It scares me that I’m no l...

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1.) Before 10AM, any burrito is a breakfast burrito. 2.) Dan’s dog Rascal has exactly three modes: begging maniacally for food, barking psychotically at imaginary threats and lying sprawled out o...

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