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1.) You all screaming “1st Amendment!” when a private ballclub kicks out a racist but want the gov’t to arrest Colbert, you can honk on my knob. 2.) If you are “making content”, stop doing that. ...

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1.) Is audible even an actual web service? It might just be a cover for people who want to anonymously fund every podcast. 2.) I’m still disappointed that Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” isn’t a c...

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1.) If you take some manga porn with you camping, that there’s some tentai. 2.) BATTLEFIELD EARTH is a perfect example of a cautionary Terl. 3.) Your fighter’s too OP. NO DON’T NERF ME! Your figh...

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1.) I’m still surprised they never made an awful movie outta that “MAK-in’ COP-ies” guy. 2.) No human’s “illegal” no child’s “illegitimate”, reflect upon why you need to pretend other people are ...

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1.) You go from comic shop to comic shop, buying a Wolverine comic from every shop. It’s called a Bub Crawl, all the cool kids are doing it. 2.) They’ll make a disease that makes you need Pepsi a...

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1.) Now I’m trying to imagine what kinds of malaprops Yoda Berra would’ve come up with. “Over it is not until over it is, yes.” 2.) It is important that I do not write a version of “Welcome to th...

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1.) A spherical Slap Chop called A Dicin’ Sphere. 2.) Aquaman bought his castle with a sub-prime loan and now the poor guy’s underwater. 3.) Your murder mystery novel about the death of a margari...

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1.) Ebenezer could not believe he had contracted Trichinosis. “Bah,” he said derisively, “ham bug!” 2.) If I had muscles, I’d flex them in public until someone asked me what I was doing then I’d ...

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1.) He couldn’t prove they were prairie dogs, most a priori dogs, really. 2.) Here at GYMNASEUM, we charge just one dollar a month for a membership card so you can pretend you go to a gym. 3.) Th...

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1.) A sitcom about two cousins trying to hide their serial killings from each other called PERFECT STRANGLERS. 2.) Who wants to explain to Dunkin Donuts that DD Perks is a much better name for a ...

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1.) Would more people use condoms if we called them “bonedanas”? 2.) I used to be a hypochondriac but I think I got sick of it. 3.) CATHOLIC JOKE: You know what happens when God “assumes”. “U” an...

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1.) I PUT A SPELL ON YOU, NOW YOU’RE A MIME, I PUT A SPELL ON YOU, NOW YOU’RE A MIME 2.) Salman Rushdie really pissed off the vegans with “The Seitanic Verses”. 3.) Photoshop’s slogan should be “...

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1.) Flanders can’t cook Italian food because even seeing the word “pecorino” makes him think about his doodle. 2.) To properly gloat in chess against an Australian, punctuate your victory with a ...

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1.) If something’s in the back of the fridge for a while, you can pretend you ate it over the last few days even through you ate it all at 3AM. 2.) Tell the artist “Oh man, that was great! That w...

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1.) Eating so much corn you start throwing up and hallucinating is called Iowaska. 2.) If you repair the bottom of your shoe, is that a sole patch? 3.) Any time you use “2-D” to describe “two dim...

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1.) I know that there’s a line between self-awareness and self-absorption but I also know that I don’t know where that line is. 2.) Pronounce Wimbleton “Wibbleton” and when challenged, proclaim t...

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1.) I don’t believe there’s an Illuminati but I sure hope that there are people who think they are the Illuminati. That’d be fun. 2.) Is the head of the sewer-department chosen in a run-off elect...

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1.) An alternate title for “American Gods” could be “Myth Takin’ Identities”. 2.) Another parody concept funny in theory but lacking an audience to get the joke: “Dr. Feelgood”/”Dr. Strangelove”....

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1.) Change your last names and start a neo-vaudeville comedy act called Difficult and Necessary. 2.) A small orchestra entirely built from precious metals called “The Financial Instruments”. 3.) ...

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1.) Maybe an attempt to aid peanut farming w/ radiation in the town left the children precocious but deformed & damaged the adults’ vocal cords. 2.) I’ve seen no evidence of magical things in...

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1.) Omit a single comma and suddenly Bill and Ted are partying on the back of a giant Jeffrey Lebowski. 2.) Step 1. Create a really smooth cheese sauce. Step 2. Name it “The Velveteen Rarebit”. S...

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1.) Knowing little about golf I imagine Ben Hogan as Hulk Hogan except with a golf club. And I know it’s wrong but it’s too fun to stop. 2.) If the world’s largest non-atomic bomb is necessary, w...

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1.) The worst part of anxiety is there are things normal and easy MOST OF THE TIME then every once in a while The Fear stirs and freezes you. 2.) Yes, I didn’t pick up those ice cubes I dropped b...

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1.) I’m basically water, coming up to the shape and level of the vessel I’m poured into, for better, for worse. Dunno if everyone is but I am. 2.) Why am I awake? Why, am I awake? Why am I, awake...

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1.) I’m just saying, if it were “Danzig With The Stars” I might actually watch it. 2.) If Hershey’s ever got into a tax scandal, I bet they could tell the FBI “There’s no accounting for taste!” a...

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