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Page 89 of 139

1.) Don’t lend your winter clothes to Lou because there’s no parka Louis can’t lose. 2.) Less fragile masculinity, more agile humanity. 3.) Trying to force a cinematic universe is like starting a...

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1.) I thought I’d never meet a pun I didn’t like and then I found out there will be a terrible CGI childrens’ film called “Sherlock Gnomes” and, yep, a pun so terrible even I despise it. 2.) I’m ...

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1.) Three planes taken down with box cutters, we can’t fly with fingernail clippers 15 years later. But die by a gun and they just don’t care. 2.) I still say everyone in Genesis except Phil Coll...

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1.) I try to not judge humanity on the actions of the worst of us, let alone the clearly untreated ill, but when my friends are disrespected I just feel… angry and helpless. 2.) The wrestling hot...

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1.) The only way you get to remake Mrs. Doubtfire is if you use the title “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad”. 2.) Your rap about the Ten Commandments had better involve the line “LISTEN ALLA Y...

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1.) Chuck E Cheese adapted to look like an iPad threw up cuz that’s what kids dig now but w/out an army of terrifying robots, something is lost. 2.) psychopomp and circumstance, squeeze the shama...

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1.) I thought I’d had the dumbest idea ever, super mario brothers “bob-omb bath bomb” but, nope, you can buy ‘em on Etsy. 2.) They care about debt and deficit when they can punish the poor and th...

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1.) A show about a team of young Olympic champions that solve mysteries called THOSE MEDALLING KIDS. 2.) Draw a bunch of ferris wheels and call your exhibition “Carny Art”. 3.) Maybe we need to b...

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1.) If when you ask her out, she flies away on a broom, have you been cronezoned? 2.) An app that tells you what app is best in the given situation called Appropos. 3.) A horror movie about a sma...

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1.) As a child, you eat a bunch of candy on Halloween. As an adult, tomorrow morning I go get a cavity drilled and don’t eat any candy because I have to be low-carb now. Peter Pan may have had an...

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1.) Is the shortening for Star Trek Discovery “STD”? Did they… think this through? 2.) Is there anything more British than the attempts to somehow prove that Shakespeare COULDN’T be middle-class,...

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1.) The fake president was so excited when he heard someone was giving out Peeps for Halloween. Then? Disappointed. 2.) Ridgewood Queens should advertise with the slogan “Ridgewood! For EVERYONE’...

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1.) When Pooh Bear licks that honey pot clean, is that hunnilingus? 2.) In this set of dreams, nightmares really, there was a music festival in my old high school auditorium that just kept gettin...

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1.) When a man learns how to learn how to hold his pee, it’s called “hegels”. 2.) Today I finally realized: babies always look really stoned. 3.) Trick or treat, smell my tweets, tell me that I’m...

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1.) More than anything, pumpkin spice season reminds you that wall-to-wall-Christmas-music is the lesser of two evils. 2.) The best band name ever would be “Some Ancient Alien Theorists Believe”....

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1.) The good thing about The Orville is that it’s the first Seth MacFarlane show that even Fox admits isn’t funny. 2.) Reality has a liberal bias. The truth has a liberal bias. It’s not our fault...

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1.) Bible thumping is a dangerous addiction, you’ll end up covered in tract marks. 2.) An example of deconstructive criticism would be “it doesn’t matter that your work is terrible, who’s to say ...

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1.) Oh, just the usual. Singin’ to the tune of Ice Ice Baby “The mice had babies, they might have rabies”. As you do. 2.) Had only Warner Brothers bought Star Wars instead, we could’ve had such m...

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1.) If you shut down Daredevil’s sonar with sound-dampening, does that mean you blinded him with silence? 2.) Corn cereals are for sharing. No personal Chex. 3.) Your Biggie Smalls’ ghost costume...

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1.) I hope Guy Fieri’s advice column will be called FROSTED TIPS. (Also, his breakfast cereal.) 2.) Your EDM name is RICHARD MILHOUSE MIXIN. 3.) Aging is just involuntary detrimental shapeshiftin...

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1.) Your Joe Walsh parody about Kurdistan will be called “Iraqi Mountain Way”. 2.) I tend to not wear hats since as a kid I noticed people who wear hats tend to go bald, never considering it migh...

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1.) It is astonishing how many Americans are willing to accept clear obvious lies as long as the liars validate their sexism and racism. 2.) If you are named “Jefferson” after Jefferson Davis, it...

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1.) Maybe the soap opera isn’t dying because of more people working days, maybe it’s just social media is a cheaper 24/7 “reality” soap opera. 2.) “23 skidoo” was a viable slang for generations. ...

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1.) Yes, you are probably messed-up and half-broken but here’s the secret: everyone is. Don’t compare yourself to someone else’s pretending not. 2.) Your parody of “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” wo...

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1.) “Amazon Fire Stick” sounds less like a way to watch videos and more like a particularly gruesome venereal disease. 2.) Your deconstruction of fan fiction will be called “Rosencrantz/Guildenst...

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