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1.) When is our American Spring? 2.) No one voted for Trump “for jobs” just like no one actually ate Tide Pods thinking they were candy. Some did it because they hated Hispanics, Muslims, Jews, g...

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1.) Why call them “nano-bots” when you could’ve called them “microbe-machines”? Legal reasons? 2.) A multi-lingual “Who’s On First?” routine based around the exchange “Seahorses?” “Ci, horses!” 3...

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1.) Calcium, in reaction with air, is a heating element. 2.) Cows are all about solidarity, they believe in each udder. 3.) Aren’t gigolos just organ communitizers? 4.) Your Was (Not Was) cover b...

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1.) Your movie about trying to reboot the Golden Girls series via cloning will be called PLAN BEA. 2.) The realization that the ruination of the internet meme was people beginning to believe that...

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1.) Are Christmas tree decorations really just “branch dressing”? 2.) A parody of “Put On A Happy Face” about Buffalo Bill from THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. 3.) Egyptian Black Sabbath fans should bu...

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1.) Sometimes random people you never met but facebook says “you might know” are achingly beautiful but you don’t actually know ‘em so you just move on and… being a human being was weird enough B...

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1.) Twitter has informed me there is a celebrity couple called “Cardi B” and “Offset” that has just had a child and, like, congratulations total strangers? But more importantly, these stage-names...

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1.) That mash-up of ROCKY MOUNTAIN WAY and WELCOME TO THE MACHINE will be depressing but it’ll have one hell of a rhythm. 2.) Your HOUSE/BILL & TED crossover fan-fiction will have the running...

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1.) The famous Wild West gunslinger Wild Bill Hitchcock didn’t move fast, as he was very fat but he always won the fight by being able to slowly fade in from his outline and pop in as a cameo out...

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1.) Your cartoon where Julia Roberts voices a black-widow spider will be called LOVE, EAT PREY. 2.) Ken Burns Jazz, Ken Burns Baseball, Ken Burns Vietnam, WHEN WILL WE STOP THIS ARSONIST NAMED KE...

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1.) The “Christian rock” genre is one of those American Paradoxes that seems completely insane from the outside without the context of how many times American culture has eaten its own tail. Sort...

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1.) I love fireworks myself but I have enjoyed this being the 4th of July where everyone who hates fireworks “came out” on social media at once, actually. I don’t know why, I guess I dig witnessi...

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1.) Then there was of course the great British bandit couple Bonnie and Clive who famously nicked four Flake bars from the druggist’s and, during their escape, threw a toffee apple at the boot of...

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1.) It’s too bad D&D already claimed the word because we could totally call baby teeth “tieflings”. 2.) Your story about a rat with a drinking problem whose friends come together to sign it u...

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1.) I am the fluorescent lights in the kitchen, the fluorescent lights in the kitchen are me, the more humid it is, the less well we work. 2.) I like to think that Puff Daddy was whistling at a u...

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1.) Your parody of “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” about bigamists will be a huge hit on BYU’s college radio station. 2.) Put helping people, just helping people, above tribalism, above economic tri...

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1.) Your movie about a zombie racing league started in Arizona after the zombie apocalypse is mostly controlled will be called DEAD HEAT. 2.) But if you’re a hipster warlock, you name your crow f...

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1.) A world beholden to folks who need to break, to burn, to tear things down to prove that they are special. Many of ‘em have good intentions, to entertain, to make things better, but in selfish...

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1.) Whenever I remember that “feminists” who are bigoted against trans people are called TERFs (trans-exclusionary feminists) I remember the old schlock film “TERF Nazis Must Die!” and imagine a ...

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1.) You think you gotta own all this stuff, you think you have to impress with all your stuff, no, you just gotta see it. All these people, all these wonders, you could see them all, hear it all,...

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1.) If an establishment Democrat won the primary, you vote for them in the general, to oppose Trump. If an outsider Democrat won the primary, you vote for them in the general, to oppose Trump. So...

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1.) Because you can never assume how someone identifies, I like to stick with the perhaps-outdated but gender-respectful plural “peeps”. Yeah, it’s from a time when “Bennifer” was still used unir...

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1.) If you’re going to do a musical version of KING KONG, at least have the decency to call it APE MISBEHAVIN’. 2.) (Funko Pops are nerd Beanie Babies.) 3.) Watched the news until I couldn’t take...

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1.) Hope is wonderful, hope is the belief that the good things can happen but doubt, doubt is also be the belief that the bad things can yet be disproven, dismantled, torn down. Hope and doubt ar...

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1.) A travel agency that specializes in political-activism tours called RADICAL DEPARTURES. 2.) An ad for an expectorant medicine that uses the New Radicals’ song “You Get What You Give” reworked...

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