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1.) Is a double Flying V guitar a Flying W? 2.) I don’t know if life is so much about changing as it is figuring out which parts of yourself you want to let take the wheel. 3.) If it’s the truth...

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1.) Tomorrow, convince at least one person that “Bon Iver!” is how you say “good afternoon” in French. 2.) I either feel like Superman about to fly or the Coyote about to look down and realize he...

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1.) In the background of the HOLMES AND WATSON trailer, if you listen closely you can hear 75 studio executives writing e-mails, feverishly trying to get someone else to take the fall. 2.) Let’s ...

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1.) If one of our union-busting middle-class-killing gig-economy-scam scab-cab horror shows has to be called “Lyft” I hope there’s at least one in England called “Elyvtr”. 2.) The least likeable ...

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1.) StayCircles seems to be the new LinkedIn of junk e-mail. 2.) Hot dogs may just be snouts and tails but at least they’re putting in an effort to make ends meat. 3.) Cathy Mitchell would stuff...

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1.) Having white men in power to defend their racism and sexism means more than anything to these people, it is their only end game, there was never any other cogent ideology. They knew their Sup...

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1.) Without social media, how would we know if our old crushes are still attractive? How could our favourite celebrities tell us what to be mad about? How would we get a minute-by-minute telling ...

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1.) I am gonna be so happy when this false president all turns out to be an ARG publicity stunt to promote an iPhone VR game about an impossibly bad dystopian future. 2.) The problem is the born-...

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1.) I can hear Morrissey, I can smell clove cigarettes but I don’t see anyone… it must be Invisigoths! 2.) You know, they probably could’ve gotten away with admitting Soylent Green was people if ...

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1.) Maybe the future alien archeologists will not understand accents and think Alabama was ruled by giant sentient owls. 2.) Heaven will be a Dickens plot in Hemingway’s clipped journalistic styl...

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1.) A lesser city would celebrate their team’s first win in over two years by setting some cars on fire. Cleveland will out-do them all and set fire to a river. 2.) “Flores shut down due to arthr...

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1.) When you see an admitted serial sex-criminal push an attempted rapist onto the Supreme Court, tell me again how edgy you felt voting for a 3rd-party vanity candidate instead of the adult in t...

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1.) Famous people hiring paparazzo to stalk the normals, trying to figure out what it’s like to be real, secret channels full of mundane-centric TMZs, the fake gods obsessed with us, the things t...

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1.) I am watching a rerun of a old terrible gameshow and “Macklemore” is an answer and it reminded me how long we have had to deal with the scourge of the Mackle. 2.) Ironically, having a heavy u...

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1.) You know who shared a first name? Lot’s Wife and Jesse’s Girl. 2.) Sometimes you just sit around wondering “What would a mash-up of the kid’s cartoon ARTHUR and the Dudley Moore ARTHUR look l...

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1.) If someone says you’re over the hill, just say “That’s a pretty lucky hill, then” and wink. 2.) Of course the Republican party loves football. Where do you find people brain-damaged enough to...

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1.) Just once, one of these fake survival reality shows should end with a title card: “The star starved to death. The crew’s craft service table was ten feet away but we had to let him die for jo...

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1.) THE DREW CAREY SHOW was so unfunny, it wasn’t even funny how unfunny it was. 2.) If pressed to write a parody about Pavlov, I’d probably start with “SALIVATE TO BELLS, COME ON, IT’S A SALIVAT...

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1.) American right-wing political identity seems to be predicated on mistaking the Ferengi as the heroes of old Star Trek reruns as opposed to the third-tier comedy villains. 2.) Any song can be ...

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1.) They should’ve named Kramer on SEINFELD “Murray” so they could have called his entrances “Murray Pop-Ins”. 2.) The nerdiest possible name for an infomercial food-prep device would be a Dicin’...

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1.) Critiquing someone else’s critique is really just deconstructive criticism. 2.) Watching reruns on the Bzzr channel, I’ve realized “Celebrity Name Game” was actually an experiment to create t...

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1.) ACTUALLY, only the castle was called Wolfenstein. First person shooting games are Wolfenstein’s monster. 2.) Mostly, I’d just wanna write a Green Lantern Corp comic so I could have a minor ch...

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1.) My non-existent comedy rock band will always be called Screaming Viking but my non-existent post-grunge indie rock outfit is definitely now called Brainfog. 2.) My rule is, if you have to ask...

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1.) The film bored Dracula and the Wolfman but Frankenstein was just riveted. 2.) The apostle who didn’t show up to defend Jesus because he was too busy watching weird period pieces on PBS was fo...

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1.) Your ability to stay vividly angry for days straight at a time will be dubbed “temper tantra”. 2.) Tell the stories you needed when you were young or hurt or empty and you needed them but the...

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