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1.) The way to really stand out for a metal band is to put your logo in Comic Sans. 2.) For the budget goth who can’t spring for, like, a tricked-out drag racer covered in skulls, a good option i...

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1.) If you’re going to own a strap-on, at least name it “Greatness” so you can make jokes about having Greatness thrust upon you. 2.) It is very very easy to say “the heart wants what the heart w...

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1.) I’m no sports scientist so I can’t say how much “advantage” an M-to-F person in women’s sport does or doesn’t have. What I CAN tell you is if you care so much about sport that you want to dis...

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1.) In my defense, I do not ignore women’s soccer because it is played by women, I ignore it because it is soccer. 2.) Epiphany: Pete Rose is just Donald Trump, but with an actual talent. 3.) An...

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1.) Basically, I’ve shot straight past “exhausted” and discovered the new jam “whyhausted”. 2.) If your toga party doesn’t end with everyone in the house claiming “I Am Partycus!” why are you eve...

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1.) Rejection letters are just proof you’re out there trying. 2.) I wonder what kind of madman would actually use a “for tobacco use only” water pipe to smoke tobacco. You’d have to be pretty hig...

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1.) The youtube version of “word to your mother” is “link to my discord”. 2.) Be the world you wish to see in the change. 3.) I still say “Brexit” sounds like vomiting blood sausages, eggs and be...

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1.) If your metal band isn’t named MARY TYLER MORGUE, I feel sorry for you. I pity you whatever your actual name is. 2.) I like to think that with every new box office number for ENDGAME, James C...

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1.) Every cynic is merely a romantic who was hit by the truck of their dreams then backed over repeatedly until they got the hint. 2.) Once a hipster gets old enough, their trust fund becomes a t...

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1.) The book burnings in Farenheit 451 weren’t about censorship, not directly anyway, they were a lot more about the fear of media absorbed passively and uncritically and… here in 2019, turns out...

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1.) All the bad-futures focusing on business thought we’d have our identities formed by what mega-corps we worked for, turns out, it’s going to be instead by what media mega-corps we buy our ente...

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1.) Your film about zombie horses enacting their revenge upon their jockey abusers will be called DEAD HEAT. 2.) Another good pitch would be a sequel to DELIVERANCE called DELIVERANCE 2: RELIVERA...

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1.) If the whole work crew comes down with a bug, that’s a staff infection. 2.) It’d be even cooler, though, if you put silver under your pillow and the next day, you RECEIVED teeth. Preferably t...

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1.) An edgy reboot of “Kids Say The Darnedest Things” called “Kids Are Really Goddamn Stupid”. 2.) A David Duchovny one-man show called “I Want To Be Live”. 3.) You will play comedy rock on all ...

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1.) If you were REALLY cool you’d start recutting old DALLAS footage into a Beverly Hillbillies-style sitcom with a laugh track, call it OIL IN THE FAMILY and deliver it to me once a week. 2.) Wh...

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1.) be longing, belonging, be, longing 2.) A middling all-female Weezer cover band would cover their entire catalogue and be called “Sheezer”. A GREAT all-female Weezer cover band would ignore ev...

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1.) The three most important factors in easily-distracted real estate are practice, practice, practice… I mean… location, location, location. 2.) You will cover terrible old rap metal as polka an...

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1.) An ad for Verizon starring Denise Crosby and Brent Spiner, talking about their high-speed data service. “You know all about that, don’t you, Denise?” “Maybe a little TOO high-speed for my tas...

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1.) A conspiracy theory where the world is secretly ruled by sentient bullets but the rightful kings have been unseated twice by having Kennedies thrown at them. 2.) In film lingo, the last set-u...

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1.) Just because a character that is a terrible human being has a few redeeming or interesting traits doesn’t mean you are owed that they suddenly turn out to be heroic at the end. In fact, that ...

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1.) Boosting your overall life confidence through romantic encounters is called “successual healing”. 2.) I’m surprised there hasn’t been a Deadpool choose-your-own-adventure in the Old West call...

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1.) Your band will be called Square Bob’s Spongebath. 2.) Down the highway, plastic signs alternate for Pop Warner football sign ups and psychic readings, both selling desperate hope for greatnes...

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1.) Trump as contrapositive to Gatsby, born too rich to ever suffer the consequences of a lifetime of failures and crimes, feigning normalcy through terrible taste in food, TV & sex. Tom Buch...

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1.) Always always always pretend to confuse “quinoa” and “ben wa”. It never ceases to liven up conversations. 2.) The problem with tipping points in history is that there are too many people out ...

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1.) “Keep your nose to the grind,” they told the young piece of glass, “and some day you’ll make a spectacle of yourself.” 2.) If you’re rich enough, you can tell your client “someone will be wit...

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