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You may be sick of my warnings against cloning forest animals but it bears repeating. Part man, part stonefruit, all cop. APRICOP. Look, I liked Spidey in the MCU too but this is two mega-c...

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The pirates raided the zoological research vessel with a hearty cry of CHIMPS AHOY! A mash-up of the Butthole Surfers’ song “Pepper” and the Soundgarden song “Black Hole Sun” called BUTTHOLE...

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Oscar Meyer, upon witnessing his son Nathan’s murder: “Kahn’s!!!” An ad using the song “I’ve got the world on a string” in an ad for tampons. The key to understanding how I use social medi...

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Whenever I see a bar referred to as “Such and Such Taproom” I always first read it as “Such and Such Tampon”. For those businesses sales, I hope I’m the only one. I just realized that when th...

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A head canon where the other parents in THE BRADY BUNCH both faked their deaths to get away from their awful children and hooked up with each other to have awesome adventures. I think I call it...

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When I was a little boy, they yelled at me all the time because my eyes were always in a magazine. Now they yell at kids for being on their phones and woulda thought me urbane. It’s all cycles,...

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Ken Griffey and Ken Griffey Junior both played major league baseball. The 2nd Ken was nicknamed “Junior”. We are only eight generations away from Ten Griffey. “People murdering each other ove...

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1.) From the wrong angle, those Amish bonnets look like they’re wearing bras as helmets. 2.) LESS BUSINESS CASUAL, MORE BUSINESS CAUSAL! 3.) LESS SQUAD GOALS, MORE GOAT SQUADS! 4.) Optimism mus...

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1.) I like my cheese like I like my skateboard parks. Totally shredded. 2.) I realize that “Instant Pot” is the name of a fancy rice cooker that hipsters glommed onto for, like, five minutes but ...

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1.) Instead of asking other people to build an arts scene for you then enjoy the fruits of it, go out there, stick your head out and build one. If you wanna make a scene, you gotta make a scene. ...

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1.) Deconstructing melodrama is just post-maudlinism. 2.) In Soviet Russia, Hustle respects YOU! 3.) Your line of Garbage Pail Kids knock offs about hipsters will be called Trash Fund Kids. 4.)...

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1.) LESS KEANU REEVES MEMES, MORE ALEX WINTER MEMES! 2.) Your movie about a German exchange student who can’t find love will be called LOVE POTION NUMBER NEIN. 3.) If you can memorize the new pl...

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1.) These people do not believe in competence, they only believe in confidence. When you see that as the driving force behind these proto-fascists, the whole game becomes clear. 2.) The theme of ...

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1.) Isn’t a wedding shower just a blender reveal party? 2.) A deepfake of the pope dancing around singing “Oh, me so holy, oh oh, me so holy, oh, me so holy, I bless you long time”. 3.) A televi...

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1.) Two. The answer is two. Exactly two angels can dance on the head of a pin. Any more than two and it would be a line-dance and angels are too cool for line-dancing. 2.) A youtube video putting...

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1.) “Where should I put the bust I’m commissioning an artist to sculpt of me?” she thought then paused “Ah, but I’m getting a head of myself…” 2.) No, YOU’RE singing “What’s up, chicken butt, who...

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1.) Youtube has a cloning operation growing an army of attractive-but-not-intimidatingly-so redheads to host all future videos about tabletop gaming, deep in a fallout shelter beneath a suburb of...

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1.) If you wouldn’t be sued into oblivion for it “Cap’n Crunch And Tenille” would be the greatest name for a band of all time, which only proves that our intellectual property laws need to be ove...

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1.) We must let go of the past but it can’t be for anyone else’s sake, since we can’t make that choice for them. We gotta let go of the past for our own better health, no more and no less, and mo...

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1.) My biggest flaw as an improv comedian is hating silence. I sometimes roll over people with my ideas, not out of ego happily at least, but out of fear of my team feeling bad, I don’t want my t...

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1.) You’re a white light, this life is a prism, temporarily exposing the spectrum of all the things you can be, could be, all the things that you are. Some day the gem will be pulled away & y...

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1.) An auteur is just a person that has found so much success in collaboration with others that they now get to pretend all those colloborations no longer happened. Did you see what happened to S...

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1.) The best idea for a Metallica parody is clearly “Pastor of Muppets”. 2.) If you put the members of Blues Traveler, Barenaked Ladies & Hootie and the Blowfish all in the same room at once,...

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1.) If there were a Sister Act Cinematic Universe fan convention, I hope they’d call it Sister Act Celebation. 2.) I mean, you COULD write a parody of “No Diggity” about Antigone. It would be mad...

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1.) Since so many movie franchises are soft-rebooting with the children of the original protagonists getting the torch passed to them, I figure we could do, like, Ash’s daughter is AMY OF DARKNES...

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