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sept 17
The Marvel hero Daredevil cannot see, the Marvel hero Echo cannot hear. We are only three more heroes away from a juggernaut of a vigilante team called Senseless Violence. “We’ve heard legend...
sept 16
Sugar We’re Going Down Swinging by Fall Out Boy is the exact same song as Creed My Sacrifice and… it makes sense. Fear makes you stupid. If I could chisel any phrase into stone as humanity’s ...
sept 15
The irony of EZ pass, a line of 3 tractors waiting for ease while I in my station wagon claim my ticket from a human and keep moving on. If it is possible that your action will be appreciated...
sept 14
Your band will cover Imagine Dragons songs on renaissance instrumentation and call itself IMAGINE DUNGEONS. No, the best name for a rapper in 2019 would be “Jung Milwaukee”. If WATERWORLD ...
sept 13
Don’t call them “The Spice Girls”, that’s disrespectful, they prefer “The Bene Geserit Sisterhood”. I’m sure the car brand “KIA” means something in some other language but I, personally, woul...
sept 12
In the 80s, you probably should’ve changed your name to Lawrence Aaron Times and sold positive quotes about movies under your nickname “L.A.” to crappy direct-to-VHS releases for their boxes. ...
sept 11
The grossest Halloween food product you could make to trend online but wouldn’t be good: “candy-cornish game hen”. I am probably, like, the cauliflower crust pizza of men. Like, I am probably...
sept 10
Medical fashion: a catwalk where all the designs are made out of CVS receipts. No, the nerdiest parody ever would be about Deep Space Nine and be called Trilling Me Softly (With This Slug). ...
sept 9
I kind of want to put a domino mask on a Halloween skeleton in hopes someone asks why so I can stare them straight in the eye and say “He’s The Bone Ranger”. The Jedi Council tried explaining...
sept 8
Shaming people for needing a calculator is textbook toxic mathulinity. Corrupt billionaires lord over their cities by plucking desperate young boys from the ghettos & boonies, throwing th...
sept 7
I mean, what if it turns out that the cure to all diseases was eating those little compressed sponges that turn into dinosaurs in hot water? What if they’d just soak up all the germs but no one...
sept 6
Whenever someone calls that part of the wedding “THE RING CEREMONY” it sounds like a badass ritual from an epic fantasy battle but nah. Your running-a-restaurant roleplaying game will be call...
sept 5
Whenever a gun nut starts talking about “trigger discipline”, yell “ROY ROGERS TREATED HIS HORSE LIKE A CHERISHED FRIEND!” You take the good, you take the bad/you take them both and there you...
sept 4
On a long enough scale of time and weight fluctuation, Meatloaf and Quentin Tarantino will eventually become twins. Your video game about Juuling that will never actually be released will be ...
sept 3
Some cast i-Ching, some consult cards, some watch stars. I guess I dabble in frequomancy. I hit scan on the radio and listen for songs speaking to my situation. It’s silly, it probably means no...
sept 2
If you’re having pumpkin spice anything before there’s actual pumpkins with which to make actual fresh pumpkin syrup, you aren’t having a “pumpkin spice” nothing, you’re paying Starbucks extra ...
sept opener
Your line of marijuana-infused chicken nuggets will be called “Fat Nugz”. You will be a billionaire. The realization that Sublime “bad fish” and 4 Non Blondes “what’s up” are the exact same s...
august capstone
A Shakespeare inspired craft beer called Lambic Pentameter. If you like NY style pizza, Chicago style pizza, California style pizza, all kinds of pizza, you are panpizza. If you have an ove...
aug 30
In the “Peter Porker, Spider-Ham” universe, I sure as hell hope that Moon Knight was a cow named Moo Knight. Sentences that make total sense as a barista but sound dirty anywhere else: “I’m s...
aug 29
If Meatless Mondays are helping to clean up the Earth, imagine the internet with Memeless Mondays. No, actually the best name of all for a country-western drag queen would simply be “Tanya Tu...
aug 28
Whenever a video has a hover-over for “click to enlarge” I always first read it as “click to enrage” which would be more honest to the nature of the internet, really. I don’t know exactly wha...
aug 27
The 1950s horror B-movie about my life would be called THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN’T SLEEP. I had the dream again, where I led a coup at Saturday Night Live to actually try to be funny instead of j...
aug 26
To inhale your own vomit and choke on it is called “aspirating”. Whenever our consumer culture is defended as “aspirational” it always makes a kind of sense the speaker doesn’t intend, choking ...
aug 25
A mash-up of Clapton’s “Let It Rain” and that “Jesus Is Just All Right” song. Similar structures. Someone got violently ill at the costume party so, thinking quickly, the hostess turned to th...
aug 24
Your imaginary friend controls her OCD with a figment spinner. Being a Mets fan is being at the casino and considering betting against them as a reverse jinx in hope of helping them beat a mu...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
