Entries 3,460
Page 44 of 139
jan 4
Little high-test micro Bloody Mary called a Mary, Queen of Shots. It’s a haiku, it’s a koan, it’s a haikoan. The only haikoan 2020 requires: how many psychic fairs were cancelled beca...
jan 3
You didn’t need pizza on a bagel to have pizza any time. You always could’ve had pizza whenever you wanted. It was societal expectation holding you back, not a bagel’s lack. Free your mind and ...
jan 2
I just hope that in the worst named television show of all time “Shasta McNasty” the lead character had an arch enemy named Shasta McNamaste who was like a super chill yoga bro who always upsta...
jan 1
The removal of the intricate animatronic floorshows diminished Chuck E. Cheese from Child Las Vegas Casino all the way down to Child Gas Station Just Over The Nevada Border With Eight Video Slo...
dec 31
That South Park “all the sides are equally stupid because they’re trying and everything that tries is stupid, FART NOISE” energy certainly doesn’t play well these grim days, that’s for sure. ...
dec 30
Since “pomme de terre” is French for potato, I hope a vodka sommelier is called a “pommelier”. The realization that with the proper slant pronunciation “Guy Fieri” can rhyme with “Mom’s spagh...
dec 29
What kind of an idiot bankrupts a casino? It’s literally a license to steal money. “Mister Loaf was my father, please, call me Meat.” Sanders, the Icarus moment for the American left, a del...
dec 28
When we don’t sleep, the push-downs become the bubble-ups. Let yourself sleep. Those push-downs, they can stay down there for one night, it’s okay. They’ll be there tomorrow and the fight will ...
dec 27
Sometimes I feel like faith’s a curse placed on the heads of woman and man, to blind us to the true wonder of this world by providing us with fantasies far more wild and grandiose than those ex...
dec 26
If you gotta say “I don’t mean it in a weird way” you know that you mean it in the WEIRDEST way. I’ve explained to so many gas station clerks what the lotto-quick-pick Super Pack is might as ...
dec 25
A story of a gnome paladin that rides Cerberus as a mount called “Three-Dog Knight”. Actually, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing folks that Bob Dylan wasn’t behind the e...
dec 24
They believe their money, their inherited wealth, makes them a different species, a next step in evolution, homo pecunia rising above mere homo sapiens. But it’s just shiny metal, paper in thei...
dec 23
While carving D&D miniatures out of soft wood, you sing to yourself “an orc is an orc of cork, of cork, and no one can talk to an orc of cork, though some would fork on speech to orcs, if t...
dec 22
A cult leader who forces his followers to workout to death called Gym Jones. I respect the Keurig machine for its tenacity in its endless requests for descaling and the water filter being cha...
dec 21
Even if you love the hell out of football, you have to admit it’s gross how in the middle of a plague, so many people are acting like “well, football’s back! everything’s normal again!” because...
dec 20
Cloning time, three more times for alcohol, so get those other mes two beers. Cloning time, one of me could go home while those two stay here. I KNOW WHERE TO GO TO GET SOME CLONES, I KNOW WHER...
dec 19
Yes, I was just rapping “I just don’t trust investments, no dividends, no dividends” what of it? Whenever “Ahhhh!” is used just in text, I don’t read it as “AAAH SCARY” I read it as “AAAH REF...
dec 18
The deaths by COVID-19, a health crisis nearly every other civilized nation handled at least twice as well, that body-count is currently around 70 times that of the September 11th attacks. And ...
dec 17
The problem with pointing out that Trump lied is that the people who voted for him don’t care. They think you lie to “win” and that’s fine. He bragged about his many rapes into a live mic and t...
dec 16
Every time I see a “SNAP-ON” sticker on the back of a truck with a little wrench as an act of performative masculinity by some dude with a pristine pick-up he never uses for work, only for show...
dec 15
A cafeteria for berserker vikings called The Flyagaric Munch-Room. A Mork and Mindy fan-fiction competition called NanooNanooWriMo. I hope that when the wreckage of our culture is found, th...
dec 14
There’s no easier way to set yourself up to be tricked & used & exploited than to allow yourself hatred. Give yourself over to hate, of anyone, of anything, and the conmen & preache...
dec 13
A reality show to be the next voice and puppeteer of ALF called PROJECT SHUMWAY. “Arrested for public urination” is such an ugly way to phrase it. Why not say you were “caught in a peed trap”...
dec 12
I feel like we are but one desperate cable-television series pitch cycle away from the spin-off 90 DAY DIVORCEE. B.Y. Jove! A British Commonwealth hero! B.Y. Jove is there! Less dehumidifie...
dec 11
They are not your usual orthopedic doctors. They like to say they’re the un-ortho docs. Not only is Train lame as hell but, worse, they called their wine “Drops of Jupiter” instead of making ...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
