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Page 33 of 138

Cheaply made cartoons have big DiC energy. Grey Poupon again? Dijon vu. What if Neil Young’s Heart of Gold is actually a musical treasure map to a literal heart of gold he buried somewhere ...

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I apologize for being part of a society so shallowly profit-driven they convinced you to have a “skin care routine”. So they can make money, they convinced you you’re ugly if you don’t spend hu...

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Why call them “factoids” when you could call them “reality bites”? A mystery about a death at bartender school called “Screaming Bloody Muddler”. A sausage so large you could knock someone ...

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Refer to the game of billiards as “math balls”. See how long you can get people to buy that you legitimately think this is the name of the game. “Wanna go shoot some math balls?” you might say....

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Hallucinate your past in deep isolation pods in a process we like to call “tanks for the memories”. A documentary called DAMP IF YOU DO: THE CONSPIRACY THAT KILLED MOIST-ROASTED PEANUTS. Yo...

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I get that FARGO is a terse and iconic title but they really could’ve gone with A PRAIRIE HOME ACCOMPLICE. One path to the most obnoxious movie ever would be mashing-up two already obnoxious ...

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The title “Peaky Blinders” was wasted on the British mafia show when it could’ve been the new word for nipple pasties. When young, we are each a pliable gelatin of affections suspended in a b...

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When Oroku Saki was empowered by mutation at the end of TMNT 2: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE, that was a real super-Shredder event. The irony of art, all human influence, is how the things that com...

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A show. About a hotel. Run by witches. Called BROOM SERVICE. Had never listened to the full song “Pumped Up Kicks”, had never realized how little there is to it. It tries to stretch a half-wa...

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He came from a long line of toilet paper craftsmen, traveling the world to ply their trade. It was only the arrogant egotism of Cliff that caused him to name the books after himself instead o...

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The optimal name for a haunted house is “The Best Little Gorehouse In Texas”, provided, you know, it’s in Austin or whatever. Your body, a scratch and sniff sticker, your consciousness, your ...

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A reverse chocolate chip cookie. A chocolate bar festooned with little cookie bits. Let’s do this, America. Okay, now we just gotta get RIVERS Cuomo to quit. Step 1: develop a THC-infused s...

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Television destroyed the market for recurrent short subjects in theaters, it was a real serial killer. The original slogan was “I’m thinkin’ about settling for Arbys” but “I’m thinkin’ Arbys”...

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Some would argue that their favourite TGIF sitcom / anime mash-up is URKEL 1/2 but there’s a lot to be said for FULLHOUSE ALCHEMIST. You know what I’d never thought about before? The old sitc...

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Your EDM DJ vampire persona will be called “Count Bassy”. Radio killed the gramophone star, gramophone killed the piano roll star, piano roll killed the dancing hall star. The reality you wer...

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Microwaving Ellios alone at 3AM creates the legendary “impersonal pan pizza”. Did you see that show-off archer? His knees were quivering! LESS ICE CREAM SOCIALS, MORE PARFAIT PAR-TAYS! Wh...

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Sure, 45 minutes a day for a year can get you shredded abs but for a mere five minutes total with floss you can have shredded gums. That’s… close, right? Your Iowa college marching band style...

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They didn’t call the second Jumanji “Twomanji” because they’re cowards. Carpe Dulcis - See’s, The Candy Publish a magazine called POST-MODERN BRIDE. A “#1 Grandmother” mug is literally a ...

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If Captain Kangaroo were on today, Twitter would be organizing conventions for strange adult men who claimed they were into it because it’s “good television for all ages” but were all really in...

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Part of how we took down the Confederacy was as simple as flooding the market with counterfeits of their fake currency. You wanna bring down the neo-Confederacy? Start counterfeiting crypto-cur...

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CARRY ON MY SQUIDWARD SON, THERE’LL BE FISH WHEN YOU ARE DONE A gallery show of paintings inspired by the work of Frank Zappa entitled EASELS RIPPED MY FLESH. America, believing itself to d...

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Yes, you can bring your own lover to the brothel if you just need the bed, but there will be a porkage fee. There wouldn’t be much money to be made in a wings-focused restaurant themed around...

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Sometimes I think about ANIMANIACS and how Wakko, Yakko and Dot refused to bring their brother Malcolm-Jamal along for the ride. If we could just get the word “craveable” cancelled as offensi...

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Here’s something wild: Bruce Willis used to have hair. Really! I know, it’s like impossible to imagine but there it is. When I try to remember DIE HARD or MOONSTRUCK, my brain re-wrote him to b...

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I hope they call Shrek fan-conventions “Swamp Meets”. How did Cheetos settle on “Dangerously Cheesy”? Who stepped in to pull them back from “Hazardously Cheesy” or “Poisonously Cheesy”? The l...

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