Entries 3,429
Page 30 of 138
dec 16
The white plastic garbage bags look just like the bottoms of snowmen. Or maybe vice versa. You can never tell around here. There we go. There’s the sleep deprivation rush. There’s my brain si...
dec 14
Yeah, I got drip. DRIP COFFEE. Just gettin’ some lawn adornments from the Gnome Depot, is all. If you want to show awful ads on that little screen with the tinny blown-out speakers when I’m...
dec 12
Less purchases of muscle-cars at mid-life, more existential Chryslers! Relax! You’re getting a massage at The Spa of The Living Dead! Enjoy the zombiance! If her stage name is Charity, your...
dec 10
I want a Home Alone where Kevin is now a serial killer of neglectful parents and The Wet Bandits are offered time off their sentences if they help the FBI find him and bring him down. THE SILEN...
dec 8
If you think about it, a Bollywood musical number about a cheating lover could devolve into a Frenchin’ Indian War. Jedis and Sith alike get the crystals for their laserswords on Kyber Monday...
dec 6
I feel like if we start naming COVID strains to sound like rare Transformers figures, we’re going to end up with the internet WANTING to collect them all. He claimed he was beaten up by a mys...
dec 4
Eminem rapping about the Spider-Man trailer: “And Doctor Strange says / NOTHING, YOU IDIOT / he’s with the villains he locked in the basement!” NEW RULE: You can only tell origin stories in t...
dec 2
So DC Comics had a character with power to control rocks & dirt who was European royalty & they called him “Geo-Force” not “Landlord”? Do I have to think for everyone? Did they have a w...
nov 30
Calling the minor X-Men character Jamie Madrox “Multiple Man” missed a trick. They could’a done “The Divisible Man”. A book about the insane economics of social media and viral video called M...
nov 28
Middle November. Out the window, in the streetlight, the first flurries of wet snow in the sky. Every single mind born in the Lake Effect Belt looks out, clenches their jaw, balls up their fist...
nov 26
Maybe conservative parents would be more comfortable with sex ed. classes if we called them something different like “Pubic Relations”. Do people take a short break in No-Nut November for Cra...
nov 24
“Don’t go eat the Applebees with anyone else but me, anyone else but me” would be the weirdest song parody ever. Asshole bottom JEANS, boots on the FEET If Disney really wanted to get their...
nov 22
Do you think anyone ever broke up with Geordi LaForge, was like “I think we should see other people” then, like, was so embarrassed by the faux pas that she rescinded the break-up? He’s the o...
nov 20
A three-way mash-up of Sublime’s “Badfish” (remember that brief period where alt-rock songs all started with party muttering? good times!) 4 Non-Blondes’ “What’s Up” and Bee Gees’ “I’ve Gotta G...
nov 18
You would figure “the place where the bugs lay all their eggs” wouldn’t be a name for a food delivery service and yet “grub hub” exists. A weird thing about being a person: nothing teaches le...
nov 16
If you start calling ducks “honkies” eventually you are going to get around to some fun conversations. No, the WEIRDEST celebrity mash-up would be Crispin Bale. So apparently facebook doesn...
nov 14
A reverse “It’s A Wonderful Life” where Chris Pratt is forced to realize he was a better human being as a “failure” stoner beach bum than as a rich and famous actor in deep with a cult. You j...
nov 12
The good news is that the music played in heaven’s waiting room is the theme to TAXI. The bad news is that the music played in hell’s waiting room is “Take It Easy” by the Eagles. So, like, cho...
nov 10
Only in COVID did we finally fulfill the prediction of “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. One nation, stupid and contagious. A remake of MANOS THE HANDS OF FATE, directed by Guillermo del Torgo and s...
nov 8
Plot’s uninteresting to me. Character, theme, tone, plot’s just the necessary skeleton they hang off. Do you look at a handsome man or a beautiful woman & think “what a tibia!”? No, you app...
nov 6
In “Rocket Robin Hood” was the female lead “Maid Martian”? It should’ve been, anyway. A Toto “Africa” parody built around the line “Throw bless-ed rain on DRAC-U-LA”. Some people get pretty...
nov 4
Not finding weird exercise VHS or souvenirs from defunct theme-parks I settled on Ferlinghetti for a change of mental pace. The store’s staff asked me to take group pictures of their Halloween ...
nov 2
Celebrity athletes LeBron James and Blake Bortles could make a wine cooler line called Bortles And James. If you’re allergic to book fairs, do they make you go into anascholastic shock? Why...
oct 31
Volunteering for a rap battle is doing the audience a huge diss service. I can’t be the only one who likes to pretend the H.P. in “H.P. Lovecraft” is Hewlett Packard. Hewlett Packard Lovecraf...
oct 29
They totally could’ve called retail therapy “shelf care”. They didn’t but they should’ve. Ape cannot be in possession of ape is nine-tenths of ape law. I think when I finally get a band tog...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
