Entries 3,460
Page 136 of 139
april 5 part 2
1.) Que sriracha sriracha, food as an internet meme, wonder what the next will be, que sriracha sriracha. 2.) If you think about it, PB&J is an ampersandwich. 3.) If you see an elaborate ma...
april 5
1.) Shirley Temple's singing voice as a child was kind of like a member of the Lollipop Guild with a taste for blood. 2.) The road to hell is paved with the belief there's such a thing as hell. ...
april 4
1.) The fortune cookie said "you are almost there". From your crust to the ears of The Great Magnet, noble sweetbread. 2.) grow grow grow your boat/trees become canoes/dare to dream, dare to dre...
april 3
1.) Has TLC had a "reality" show about the bearded lady yet? I think that's all that's left on the carnival sideshow bingo card. 2.) If paying way too much for a car makes you feel young, man, l...
april 2 part 2
1.) If at first you don't succeed, "died with an out-of-state license & months of lottery tickets in his wallet" isn't the worst obituary line. 2.) The newest meme should just be a dog dress...
april 2 barrage
1.) The Transformer who goes around enforcing robot gender is really just a social Constructicon. 2.) Happy is the day there's a new Welcome to Night Vale AND a new The Church of the SubGenius r...
april start barrage
1.) April Fools Day is amateur hour for jokers the same way New Years is for drinkers. It is the least funny day to prank. Everyone expects it. 2.) That we've reached a point in sport where we'r...
out like a blizzard-breathing lamb barrage
1.) I thought for all these years their standards were too high for me. Only now do I realize screw it their standards were too low. 2.) "I think we should see other people" is probably even mor...
March 29th Barrage
1.) To Buddhists, YOLO is HATE SPEECH. 2.) If someone tells you "turn that FROWN upside DOWN" tell them "flip that SMILE 'round a WHILE". Then punch 'em in the gut. 3.) Much as folks talking wh...
March 28th Barrage
1.) If this van's a-rockin', time to put new shocks in. 2.) Light board is both wave board AND particle board! 3.) There isn't an article on Jezebel called "Fat Guys Are Better At Sex Because W...
oh God where is Spring barrage
1.) The Secret isn't to pray your pleas for help into the ether. The Secret is to outloud ask your friends. 2.) People mistakenly call them "vanilla envelopes" so often, the glue should really j...
two-stall barrage
1.) Gotta lose it all? Poker, man! 2.) A redheaded orgy is called a Ginge Binge. 3.) She was such a proper lady that even when providing an old fashioned in the backseat of a car, it was with o...
such words very barrage
1.) I don't like mushrooms myself but if you're going hunting for them, I'm willing to provide morel support. 2.) One hopes that the Supreme Court will not be swayed by the Hobby Lobby lobby in ...
march is still terrible barrage
1.) The undercover cop arrested him for soliciting a prostitute during the rain delay, total case of entarpment. 2.) I hope that when people start uploading their consciousnesses to the web, we'...
march 24th barrage 2
1.) Jeff Garlin's done too much good to be tarred w/ "from The Goldbergs". That's like having Jesus on & saying "Jesus from Joe's Carpentry". 2.) Anyone who tells you to "know your place" is...
march 24th barrage
1.) In like a lion, out like a double-lion with magical ice breath that hates you and everything you love. 2.) Semi-Charmed Kinda Life parody about Lucky Charms? 3.) Revise, revise, revise. No....
the 69th barrage
1.) Save money on your copy of The Human Centipede by cutting out the middle man! 2.) Mistakes have been made because of cowardice. Mistakes will be undone with courage and just a little luck. ...
a particularly scattershot barrage
1.) Charlize Theron REALLY uglies it up with Frankenstein make-up in her new Oscar bait project MUNSTER. 2.) Only way I'd ever run the Boilermaker would be if someone was shooting a reverse Supe...
ten hours living inside my head
1.) They're a rap-rock act that only plays tourist-oriented delis in Manhattan. They're called Limp Brisket. 2.) Many area codes have slogans. Ours is "315, Dead or Alive, No Really, Please Tell...
barragury 21
1.) I wonder if the world understands how "that weird girl" is the most romantic pet name that I could ever speak. 2.) Post-doctorate level mash-up: The Eagles "In The Long Run" vs. Lemon Demon'...
the first barrage of spring
1.) I'm waiting for the "Flight 370 is a Smokescreen for Crimea" theories. 2.) HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA BECAUSE YOU LEFT THE FRIDGE OPEN AND NOW YOUR KRAFT CHEESEFOOD PRODUCT IS ALL WARM AND SPO...
hey nineteen 2
1.) How horrified would a tree be by the idea of maple syrup anyway? We're TREE VAMPIRES. 2.) You say I'm "looking for work". I say "I'm self-employed as an intern". 3.) Your garden is sparsely...
#VonnegutBands
Slayer Piano Cat Stevens' Cradle Mother Night Ranger Slaughterhouse-Five For Fighting Breakdance of Champions Rapstick or Ho-less No More GWAR Bless You, Mr. Rosewater Deadeye Dick Dale H...
hey nineteen
1.) There's a difference between a one-way lie and a mutually-agreed-upon fiction. The lie hurts less. 2.) When I win the lottery, commissions on Deviantart for pictures of Shaq dunking a basket...
March 18th bonus weirdness
1.) A smart watch that displays a photo of the skin behind it when in sleep mode would be silly but if it were cheap, I'd buy one. 2.) Yes, if this freezer breaks before Octoberfest these sausag...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
