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Page 134 of 142

1.) The hardest regrets are the take-backs you could still take-back except it’d blow the whole game if you failed. Those linger. 2.) Art schools don’t hold proms. They hold smock hops. 3.) The p...

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1.) To reiterate, you have no proof that I am Batman. I was even in the room with Batman, that day Batman was an old man with a British accent. 2.) I was also in the same room as Batman that time...

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1.) I hope there’s a Lovecraft Elder God named Y’ghatsi but pronounced “Yahtzee”. 2.) Is an unreliable narrator a narr-do-well? 3.) A parody of “Night Moves” about a ren faire guy working on his ...

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1.) If you need to know LA, ask Zevon. If you need to know NY, ask Lou Reed. Ask Neil Young about anything in-between. 2.) Everything you grew up with felt like things that always were and always...

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1.) Any sale on DVDs of The Hobbit should be legally required to be displayed with a “Bilbo Bargains!” sign. 2.) If you attempt to go viral with a video of your child Crazy Gluing their hat to a ...

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1.) When there’s a sale announced at the local BDSM dungeon, it’s important to find out if restrictions apply. 2.) Pizza crust is the best choice for coffee dipping. Life has taught me these thin...

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1.) If you focus on the bad parts of your past and hang onto resentments, you’re gonna end up hating everything in your entire life. Joy is additive. Combines. Sadness, rage, fear, these are mult...

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1.) She tried to sell the crowd on the merits of walking on poles but the speech was stilted. 2.) Every time I see the Mounties referred to as the RCMP, I briefly think they’re talking about the ...

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1.) “Flattery” suggests that I’m a liar. I don’t lie. I merely time my truths well. 2.) You know that TLC would take a pitch for a reality show about a bearded lady. YOU KNOW THIS. 3.) Why do bon...

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1.) It’s POSSIBLE there’s something more soul-numbingly depressing than the trailers for the DUMB AND DUMBER sequel. But I doubt it. 2.) The coal company announced that it was pleased they’d esca...

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1.) They’re werepeople, they become naked accountants by the light of the full moon and hate it desperately. 2.) Whenever I hear “PS2” “PS3” etc, I first imagine how NYC people call all their sch...

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1.) I wonder if the whole pitch for this FOREVER series that’s gonna bomb was a guy saying “House-lander” then leaving the room. 2.) If only it were a well-known song, a parody of King Crimson’s ...

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1.) Thor and Sif honeymooned on a lovely island off the coast of Michigan, a textbook case of Deus Ex Mackinac. 2.) Remember that if William Shakespeare had a Twitter, it’d be about 50% sex puns ...

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1.) I want a remake of that coffee ad about that cafe in Paris where at the end they flash back & the waiter is Patrick Stewart. 2.) …sweet treat Abba-Zabba… candy, you’re my only friend… swe...

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1.) It is not unpatriotic to admit those desert camouflage baseball jerseys look like someone threw up all over them. 2.) For the first time in my life, instead of berating her with my failures a...

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1.) Refurbishing Big Ben is a painstakingly delicate task but they’re working around the clock. 2.) It was the kind of day where simple air conditioning would not do. Air re-education was in orde...

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1.) Donate your unwanted phonebooks to an unfortunate weightlifter who cannot afford phonebooks of his own to tear in half. 2.) It sometimes seems as though the cat and the dog regard each other ...

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1.) How many stupid pay-to-win games do I have to block on facebook before they give me a plaque? 2.) As the sun expands to the point where Earth’s burnt to a crisp the last of us will receive a ...

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1.) Much as I hate unearned Pollyanna optimism I’m a huge fan of earned world-weary “we have been there, we can do that” positivity. 2.) I’m no religious type but I’d like to point out how JC fli...

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1.) The greatest name for a band ever would be “Tijuana Bible Study”. 2.) The Tea Party’s trying to ban ballet because it heard the word “Arabesque”. 3.) Comedy is the art of focused self-humilia...

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1.) A hundred year old man beats up Native Americans for the right to have sex with a teenage girl. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly 2.) A lady decides that sex with Paul Simon is slightly preferable to ...

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1.) If “House Hunters” were about actually stalking, hunting and killing buildings, I would probably actually watch it. 2.) Next you know, the Tea Party will try and ban imported washing machines...

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1.) Is there A Thing yet where rednecks post pictures of fish they threw back on Throwback Thursday? It would be slightly less dumb. 2.) When the nun took up chewing tobacco, she should’ve known ...

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1.) It’s a teevee series about Sherlock and Watson finally getting married. It’s called “Hi Honey, I’m Holmes”. 2.) Vegetarianism for Dummies is a self-kelp book. 3.) I have to believe that if Pa...

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1.) On their off-nights, Mr. Fantastic, Plastic-Man and the Elongated Man are all part of the Expandau Ballet. 2.) Nightmare where I was dying of a mysterious blood disorder but the hospital I wa...

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