Entries 3,481

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1.) Your poor use of haircurlers will go on your permanent record. 2.) Would a big hairy dude in leather who teaches healthful stretching and breathing be a yogi bear? 3.) The National Raygun A...

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1.) Learn the difference between an instinctively correct decision to act fast and an engrained impatience masquerading as instinct. 2.) Step One: buy a run of business cards that just read "(na...

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1.) His angel tells him "stare at what the humans are doing" and his devil demands "frantically bite your left hip!" It is an endless struggle. 2.) You set the camera on the ground and it spins ...

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1.) In this nightmare, I was the dumbest teenager in a group of youth kidnapped to be part of a think tank for shady industrialists and controlled not by violence but rather manipulated through t...

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1.) If your friend's gonna play Xavier in a stage adaptation of the X-Men, just tell him to break two legs. 2.) If you just keep writing all the time, you'll stumble onto good things by accident...

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1.) Be the kind of person you'd want to be with. That's it, that's all. It's simple to understand but hard to accomplish. 2.) Having something to wake up for that lets you sleep at night, that's...

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1.) My newest theory involves the mothers of the female leads from BIRDEMIC & THE ROOM being two halves of a good-evil twin set. 2.) It's about cereal mascots fighting for survival after tot...

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1.) Rules force us to get creative to work our way around the rules. 2.) It's like 22 Jump Street and that stupid Seth MacFarlane western are in a game of "trying too hard to be wacky" chicken. ...

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1.) CONSPIRACY RAP: Is it any coincidence/for the bureaus of better business/that three-in-a-row lowercase "b"s/look like a "666"? 2.) Crank your words out as you'd hit with an aluminum bat, the...

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1.) Translation allows me to pretend that "Yo Gabba Gabba" is actually a deep Spanish language art film called "I, Gabba Gabba." 2.) Dudes w/ long hair all know the 1st hot day of summer when yo...

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1.) I love when crazy conspiracy theorists exaggerate their accents to sound wiser, Ancient Aliens harpin' on HAARP again. 2.) Supersheep's only weakness is exposure to woolite. 3.) Yes, it's a...

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1.) Reading fan-fiction includes (relation) Shipping and (genital) Handling. 2.) Don't think Mel Brooks'll ever do a parody of "Requiem For A Dream" but if he does it must be called "Stop Or My ...

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1.) It's about zombie nuns. It's called "CREATURES OF HABIT". 2.) Whatever the opposite of a nihilist is, I guess I'm that? 3.) You can't know if the cat's still hanging in there without lookin...

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1.) Guinness with a shot of vodka and a french fry garnish. An Irish Carb Bomb. 2.) Classy people don't call 'em "assless chaps". We just call 'em "rear window". 3.) Is there a French rap that ...

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1.) It's a story about Zeus's numerous half-human children strewn about the Earth. "Children Of A Lecher God". 2.) It ran in her family to work on trains. She was a genetic engineer. 3.) Maybe ...

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1.) Sometimes salt and pepper just make her sad, she's got seasonal depression. 2.) The risk in forgiving yourself the past is that it makes you responsible for your future. And that's scary. Bu...

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1.) I await slideshows' return as hipster Power Point. 2.) So "Attack on Titan" is about how we are horrifying giant monsters that devoured an isolationist Japan, right? 3.) The risks you didn'...

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1.) Christian zealots won't drive automatics, they only use emmanuel transmission. 2.) Sure, the Mouseketeers grossed a lot of money but after costs and taxes, they only brought in a net Funnich...

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1.) These things too big to fail, artificially revived, to terrorize the peasants like some kind of Bankenstein. 2.) External validation required but internal sense of validation need to be proj...

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1.) At your May The Fourth parties, I hope you all drank from Han Solo cups. 2.) So where's our indie-film inverse PRODUCERS where some guys try to make a good-bad movie and fail at it? 3.) All...

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1.) Ladies, if you're sick of trying to rehabilitate bad boys and drunks & want a man whose main flaw is poor job prospects, try Brand Mike! 2.) They allow you to slide down streams of brown...

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1.) The particular way you piss on a Jack Chick booklet is your urinary tract inflection. 2.) I'm astonished Doritos has never done the Star Wars promo flavour "Skywalker Ranch". 3.) Mash-up id...

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1.) A "Reunited And It Feels So Good" parody about a pyromaniac? "Reignited" and so forth? 2.) Rob Ford is a shining example of how many second-chances you get when you have the privilege of a f...

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1.) And then, of course, there is Rand Paul's jazz album BIRTH OF THE CRUEL. 2.) Driving for hours w/ the FM dial on scan simulated my natural thought process but I finally heard the "Happy" son...

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1.) I ought to name a poetry collection "How To Survive A Lightning Strike" someday without any connection to the actual poems. 2.) The Inevitable Destinyman. 3.) His mutant power was total mas...

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