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1.) Much as I hate unearned Pollyanna optimism I’m a huge fan of earned world-weary “we have been there, we can do that” positivity. 2.) I’m no religious type but I’d like to point out how JC fli...

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1.) The greatest name for a band ever would be “Tijuana Bible Study”. 2.) The Tea Party’s trying to ban ballet because it heard the word “Arabesque”. 3.) Comedy is the art of focused self-humilia...

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1.) A hundred year old man beats up Native Americans for the right to have sex with a teenage girl. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly 2.) A lady decides that sex with Paul Simon is slightly preferable to ...

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1.) If “House Hunters” were about actually stalking, hunting and killing buildings, I would probably actually watch it. 2.) Next you know, the Tea Party will try and ban imported washing machines...

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1.) Is there A Thing yet where rednecks post pictures of fish they threw back on Throwback Thursday? It would be slightly less dumb. 2.) When the nun took up chewing tobacco, she should’ve known ...

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1.) It’s a teevee series about Sherlock and Watson finally getting married. It’s called “Hi Honey, I’m Holmes”. 2.) Vegetarianism for Dummies is a self-kelp book. 3.) I have to believe that if Pa...

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1.) On their off-nights, Mr. Fantastic, Plastic-Man and the Elongated Man are all part of the Expandau Ballet. 2.) Nightmare where I was dying of a mysterious blood disorder but the hospital I wa...

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1.) “Willful Absent-Mindedness” stuffing your head so full of facts you lose focus on the bad stuff isn’t the best approach but its an approach. 2.) The realization that if I were thin & weal...

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1.) If your periodic table is not up to quality standards, send your complaints to the Better Bismuth Bureau. 2.) If they’re showing “Charlie & The Chocolate Factory” in coach, you KNOW they’...

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1.) They don’t call it “ritually inserting metal bearings into the skin of the penis”. They prefer “majazzeling”. 2.) I hope that when Moses gave them the Sundays-off commandment, he was all like...

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1.) Gotta love a town where a traffic update on the radio at one in the morning is a totally reasonable thing. 2.) This round of nightmares was about being forced into grad school then getting th...

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1.) Ought start a movie-riffing team. Call ourselves the B-Keepers. 2.) mash-up: MR. BIG STUFF vs WALK ON THE WILD SIDE 3.) mash-up: YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YET vs SWEET JANE 4.) If you say “emmy ...

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1.) Look, I am a weirdo who’s been shattered & put back together w/ glue 3 or 4 times now & I am also awesome, okay? Both will always be true. 2.) It’s a sequel to THE MUPPETS TAKE MANHAT...

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1.) On Arrakis, Dune, the desert planet, the hashtag is #thirstworldproblems. 2.) For example: oh no, we've got worm sign! #thirstworldproblems 3.) Or: the messiah's little sister is going all Ev...

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1.) You KNOW there's been a new Star Trek/Torchwood crossover slash-fic called STAR TREK: INTO HARKNESS. 2.) The great thing about well-done sci-fi is that it can all flow from one pinpoint "what...

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1.) Macklemore didn't wash one of his thrift store finds and now he's got vanilla lice. 2.) You know there's a MASH slash-fic called "Under The Radar" somewhere. 3.) I am so happy that there is a...

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1.) Did you tell your hot sister about me? Or are you waiting for me to get my life together & scoop me up then? That's very selfish of you. 2.) "What sort of nefarious rock would actually be...

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1.) Other Sesame Street characters never considered that Elmo might be an adult monster who is really really high. But I have. 2.) I'm a white-hat lifehacker. I mean, I'm not, but I love the idea...

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1.) The League of Affiliated Agnostics is a non-prophet organization. 2.) Actually, Liechtenstein is the micro-state. Its tax haven tradition is Liechtenstein's monster. 3.) Led Zeppelin was th...

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1.) I have decided that Groot and the MTV Beach House Tiki God are related. Cousins, perhaps. 2.) All dichotomies are false except when they're not. 3.) A mash-up of "You Were Always On My Mind...

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1.) When she told Señor Wences to "talk to the hand" she had no idea what sort of dark future she was setting into motion. 2.) Memory infects us and we become carriers. Even when symptomless, we...

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1.) Middle-Earth's Instagram service is called Frodograph. 2.) There's a version of me then there's aversion of me. Then there's aversion of a version of me and vicesy-vee. Language is interesti...

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1.) If you think about it, herpes is a literal love bug. 2.) A sitcom about Hawkeye based on MARTIN would be worth it for the theme song alone. "Baaarton, Baarrton, how y'all been..." 3.) I cal...

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1.) I have a much stronger ability to leave well enough alone than most people I know but... like... that's not always a good thing, I suppose. 2.) Everyone speaks of how social networking is th...

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1.) I like to believe that peaches filmed a horror movie about the threat of being turned into preserves called JARS. 2.) Trying to let go of the search for the moment where it all went wrong an...

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