Entries 3,460
Page 128 of 139
126
1.) Riots at ren fests aren’t nearly as violent, there’s usually just heavy luting. 2.) It’s about the world’s youngest water-diviner. It’s called HOAGIE DOWSER, B.S. It’s… pretty terrible. 3.) I...
125
1.) What would be the term for Patriots fans explaining why it’s okay their team cheated? Fansplaining? I’m going with Fansplaining. 2.) Ultimately, a parody of the Eagles “Lyin’ Eyes” about the ...
124
1.) Does vegan duck liver exist? Is there faux-gras? 2.) With Skymall dead, where will I get a three-foot statue of the sasquatch for five times what it would’a cost at Lowes? 3.) It’s too bad th...
123
1.) My retirement fund is easy to manage I just go down to the Smokers Choice and check my eight dollars in lotto tickets each week. 2.) I’ve gotten a haircut, downgrading my situation from “long...
catch-up barrage, with mustard
1.) If seeing is Beliebing, man, I’ll echo-locate. Thanks. 2.) Find myself knocking on wood a lot to not jinx anything. But a lot of things a lot of work went into are slowly coming together. Tha...
an irregular celebrational barrage!
1.) Saw “Taken 5” on the marquee, hoped they were being snarky but no, just the time of the matinee. 2.) Tramiversary 7 was amazing, congrats Robin, Garrett and everyone at the TRAMONTANE CAFE! S...
118
1.) Your art show will be all paintings inspired by Zappa songs. It will be called “Easels Ripped My Flesh, Rzzz!” You’re welcome. 2.) We did not need “totally adorable” shortened to “tohtz adorb...
117
1.) He can’t age but a cursed fruit smells more & more revolting in his place. It’s called “A PORTRAIT OF DURIAN GRAY”. It’s… pretty terrible. 2.) If you get within 50 feet of Guy Fieri, you ...
114
1.) The mad doctor’s pride in his henchmen bordered on igortism. 2.) I still wonder if I got that extra pat-down at the airport because I was wearing an Occupy pin on my jacket. 3.) Best part of ...
113
1.) Your next band will be named “Whooping Kafka”. Don’t look at me, I don’t make the rules, I just relay them. 2.) When Skynet goes live, think of all the twitterbots that’ll suddenly hate you f...
112
1.) There is great energy in our little local ex-ex-patriate community. We have gathered rare baubles in our boomeranginging. 2.) I wanna manage a teen girl metal band called MEGANDETH. 3.) I wan...
111
1.) I’m sick of all this introvert vs extrovert stuff. I declare myself an outrovert and it will mean whatever I want it to mean. 2.) The power of Grayskull compels you. THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL CO...
110
1.) I cannot speak for androids as I’ve been told I’m not one of those but I can tell you that narrators dream of talking sheep. 2.) We are orphans.... to our endorphins… we’re just no fun… so le...
a lesser barrage
1.) Dropped a tread mill on my foot. Good news, nothing is broken. Bad news, everything is purple. 2.) It’s not that Islam doesn’t believe in freedom of expression, all fundamentalist religion do...
18
1.) Frat Santa always puts bros before hohohos. 2.) I eagerly await a rapper called Medium Kim. 3.) Far be it from me to tell other people how to live their lives… but Al Leiter should really col...
17
1.) I want to wear Gene Simmons make-up to a ballgame just to see if the Kiss Cam is clever enough to put me on. 2.) I blame pervasive musical ignorance for the fact that a parody of King Crimson...
16
1.) The greatest pop-culture reference of all time would be to insult a scientist who looks like a caveman by calling him “Eegah Spengler”. 2.) It’s an investment strategy built upon the long-ter...
15
1.) I eagerly anticipate the “I’m Rob Lowe and I have Direct TV, I’m Gamergate Rob Lowe and I have cable” ad. 2.) You will name your curio shop “Joanie Loves Tchotchkes”. You don’t have to thank ...
14
1.) Mixed-media artists give it the old collage try. 2.) Oh, that’s MY secret, Captain. I ALWAYS play it too safe. 3.) A pencil doesn’t go there. #WorstSexIn5Words 4.) Mitt Romney’s hair looks...
13
1.) They call me Big Salsa/cuz I’m hot and chunky/they call me Blue Cheese/cuz I’m creamy and funky. 2.) Are there harmonicas made out of Legend of Zelda gold cartridges? There SHOULD be. 3.) Was...
12
1.) The mother from THE ROOM and the mother from BIRDEMIC would perfectly cancel each other out, fueling a mighty starship. 2.) Being strange to win the adulation of the normies is a sucker’s gam...
NYD
1.) The puppet was using nearly-contemporary slang. That’s it. That’s the joke. 2.) I look up in the night sky & I hope that it’s not empty, that someone or something’s gonna save us from our...
NYE
1.) Any reference to the House of David exhibition baseball team is gonna make me laugh as I am a very particular kind of nerd. 2.) A major difficulty toward getting hipsters into space is that t...
1230
1.) pro-tip: when you run out of words on stage, just start yelling the venue’s wi-fi password 2.) Two great coffee houses in Utica, Survivorman’s in one, Gallagher’s in the other? Utica’s gettin...
melancholy barragy
1.) It’s a rock musical about a horrific polyjuice potion accident. It’s called “Hagrid And The Angry Inch”. It’s… pretty terrible. 2.) Less picket fences, more picket lines. 3.) Vampire. Werewol...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
