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1.) If you’re gonna sell a diet beef stew, at least have the style to call it “Dainty Moore”. 2.) You are amazing. You are also pretty messed-up. I’m not sure if they’re intertwined or just both ...

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1.) Always refer to a rap battle as a “beat-off”. 2.) Even when there’s something actual to fear, they’d rather make one up anyway, it’s easier to control. 3.) She didn’t like being called “obses...

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1.) Every commercial on the digital side-channels looks like a Tim and Eric parody of an ad. “Brain Fizz”. Jeeeeeeesus. 2.) As a big Built To Spill fan, I would like to be referred to as a member...

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1.) Local pride is awesome but regional pride is even better. If there’s gas in the car, we can get some REAL cool stuff going! 2.) The dog was so happy to see Mom after two weeks, he literally p...

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1.) A hanging collection of open-toed shoes, a sandalabra. 2.) Whole conspiracy theories can start with one idiot mishearing a word once. Contrails as “chemtrails”. That’s literally all it takes....

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1.) When facing a resource drought in Zelda, yell “Thanks Nobombsa!” It won’t help but it also will. 2.) I tried explaining the squirrel to the dog as “a tree bunny”. The analogy I believe escape...

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1.) Michael Sam didn’t get one full chance. Tim Tebow is on Chance 458. It is possible the NFL is total rubbish. 2.) If you give up a little of your hope, they’ll take a little bit more every day...

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1.) Pretend to confuse the words “specist” and “specious” to mess with people. 2.) The seed pod of an exotic orchid steeped in liquor and shipped to us in little bottles like patent medicine is s...

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1.) When a flour clump comes along YOU MUST WHISK IT, if your bechamel ain’t strong YOU’VE GOT TO WHISK IT 2.) A hipster’s favourite comedy show is “Def Comedy Preserves”. 3.) The next step down ...

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1.) A time traveler shows up, sees “Paul Blart Mall Cop 2” on a marquee and realizes he ended up in the bad future. 2.) I walked the path of True Believer & all it got me was heartache. I’m ...

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1.) “I like tall girls, you know what I mean/I want a girl who’s five-foot-thirteen”. This is the closest I’ve come to writing a love song. 2.) Were there only more Venn overlap for Guns N Roses ...

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1.) In my mind, every blonde newsreader on Fox News is called “G. Gordon Lady”. 2.) McMuffins after 10 b-b-b-baby we just want McMuffins after 10. Here’s money, here’s money you’re not gonna get,...

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1.) She used her magic primarily in the service of interior design, being as she was a decormancer. 2.) I am still disappointed that the theme to GAME OF THRONES isn’t “George RR Maaaaartin, Geor...

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1.) If “synthesizer” was an ethnic group, “Who’s Gonna Drive You Home Tonight?” would count as a hate crime. 2.) I always feel bad when I overhear someone cornered by a crank because they’re too ...

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1.) Copies of my chapbook “This Is My Inside Voice” are again on the shelf at @TramontaneCafe or contact me for mail details! 2.) I need less blood in my coffee stream and more, you know, coffee....

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1.) In the Shatner vehicle “T.J. Hooker” the T.J. stood for “Trap Jaw”. 2.) I’d like a “Super Size Me” doc about a guy who buys bit parts in dozens of crowd-sourced movies to burnish his IMDB pro...

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1.) All zombie Jesus jokes aside, Easter must be a complicated thing to celebrate in the Walking Dead universe. 2.) Not surprisingly, “Daydream Believer” and “Dirty Water” would mash up beautiful...

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1.) Ride high on the Luck Plane when a spit-curl rises, hide on-shore when waters are low. Hope for the best. Keep the board ready for the next one. 2.) Betsy Ross or whoever it was couldn’t have...

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1.) Bono is the anti-Bowie, constantly changing to be completely uninteresting in new and different ways. 2.) Expectant mothers: name your child Bad News so you can forever be known as the bearer...

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1.) In the Tea Party adaptation of Hamlet, they’re all “get thee to a gunnery!” 2.) My favourite Peanuts/60s-70s revolutionary mash-up would definitely be Peppermint Pattie Hearst. 3.) The horse ...

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1.) Next they’re gonna say Hilary killed the Easter Bunny and refer to it as “Bunghazi”. 2.) In scifi, they make giant vegetables seem world-saving but they’d still require as much water and mine...

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1.) You have no idea what it is like to have a laptop that can be off the cord for more than two minutes again. It is like living in the future. 2.) Edit an action movie so every gunshot sound is...

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1.) Whenever an entertainer says “don’t interrupt I’m sharing my gift with the audience” unironically, immediate 72-hour psych hold. 2.) Didja ever notice that whatever bad traits bigots project ...

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1.) No man is an island. Except ol’ Joe Krakatoa, of course. 2.) Yes, it is the journey not the destination but only if you’re always trying. If you give up, the journey gives up on you. 3.) “If ...

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1.) The Fog of Worf. 2.) Mash up 1: Fleetwood Mac YOU MAKE LOVIN FUN vs Dire Straits MONEY FOR NOTHIN 3.) Mash up 2: BLUE ON BLACK vs FEEL LIKE MAKIN LOVE 4.) Mash up 3: MOONDANCER vs TAKE FIVE 5...

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