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1.) Incessantly confuse Benedict Cumberbatch and Crash Bandicoot for maximum nerd-culture coverage. 2.) This barrage of dribs and drabs, bibs and bobs, not a scripture but a scrapture, not a catc...

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1.) Laying claim to a spirit animal feels like cultural appropriation so let’s all just agree to have animal instead. The muppet Animal. 2.) The terrifyingly addled feeling I had yesterday has fa...

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1.) I’m just gonna name my ulcer “The Mets Middle Relievers”. 2.) Naming your child Hospital then grooming said child for military service is a long play on a joke but it is totally worth it. 3.)...

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1.) Going through the toy cut-out bins after Phantom Menace, he thought “Watto Watto everywhere but thank God no damn Binks”. 2.) “Tofurkey… has put me… off my lunch” is a good start to a John Le...

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1.) Eventually the multiplex had to fire the projectionist for blaming all his mistakes on others. 2.) If your whole group of friends intend to go to the gym for leg exercise, are those quad goal...

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1.) “Nuthin’ But Darjeeling” would be the worst tea-based rap parody ever. 2.) Sometimes feel like Forrest Gump stumbling through history not through disability rather through neurosis & know...

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1.) Selling bread in India to benefit charity is totally naan-profit. 2.) A horse traveling back in time to give himself the idea to build a time machine is a stable time loop. 3.) A hipster preg...

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1.) Eventually deconstruction was hollowed out, lost the mission to learn why, became a way to repackage the same old crap while feeling clever. 2.) I want to paint Ollie’s Serestro flea collar y...

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1.) On the off-chance you write a scientific paper on insect die-offs, entitling it “Plight of the Bumblebee” is your civic duty. 2.) I somehow accidentally clicked the button on facebook that ch...

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1.) I sure hope that if there’s a booze stand at the ren faire, they call it The Flagon Wagon. 2.) In my particular cultural niche a “Power of Love”/Nintendo Power Glove parody would work but alm...

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1.) I am opposed to the death penalty but for whomever decided to start calling appetizers “apps” I am willing to be flexible. 2.) After we invade countries, when they start getting our movies wh...

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1.) You can train your bird to sing a Fresh Prince song but that doesn’t mean he gets the meaning. Parrots just don’t understand. 2.) Your vegan death metal band will be called Despairagus. 3.) C...

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1.) He claims to have aced the test on Scottish history but his friend retorted “Picts or it didn’t happen”. 2.) We are too old to be prodigies but, hell, being Cool Uncles to the next wave of pr...

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1.) Convince someone that 420 is a reference to “A Song of Six Pence” because it involves 4 and 20 of something baked. 2.) Sadly, all “Snoke On The Water” parodies must wait until the next Star W...

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1.) We couldn’t be sure because the thick gloves but she at least had supposeable thumbs. 2.) When someone smugly refers to their self as a “locovore”, yell “YOU EAT TRAINS?” as loudly as you can...

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1.) Nothing “stars” Eric Roberts. Oh, there are things where Eric Roberts is in a lead or leading role but nothing STARS him. 2.) Trump is the Pabst Blue Ribbon of politics: cheap, terrible, ubiq...

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1.) Nothing like a marathon nightmare about watching time travelers try to prevent World War Two, changing nothing in the broad strokes of the outcome but remixing the smaller details then their ...

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1.) “Hooked On Phonics” sounds all well and good until you see the horrors of phonics rehab. 2.) Make a movie about a time after the fall of man and spaghetti rules the world so you can call it p...

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1.) Is there any way to start dating but skip the awkward early parts, cut to the comfortable-with-each-other thing? I’d love that right now. 2.) You know what they say. When you’re pedantic abou...

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1.) One of Jesus’s lesser known powers was that no one could yell at Him for leaving a door open because He was, in fact, born in a barn. 2.) When she found out he disapproved of her past as a fo...

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1.) No, what we meant was that the gluten therein was at no extra charge. 2.) Life, it seems, is a process of figuring out who you are and what you’re able to do then hoping you’ve got enough tim...

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1.) If my beard always felt the way it does just after a good Ivory soap shower, I’d be a lot less apt to mow it off. 2.) The few times in my life I’ve had to abbreviate Red Hot Chili Peppers as ...

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1.) If Alice Cooper doesn’t make his drummer perform under the stage name “Alice Krupa” he’s got the whole thing wrong. 2.) It’s a shame we’re like 20 years too late for Ted Danson to put on a bu...

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1.) At least the terrifying economic and political situations absolve us of the stressful myth that anyone has ever known what they were doing. 2.) The world knows Madonna on a first-name stasis....

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1.) Saw a hashtag with the phrase “on iTunes” and briefly hoped it was “oni tunes” like songs by monsters from Japanese folklore. 2.) A Firefox extension that replaces “America” with “The Fatherl...

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