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Page 109 of 142

1.) Fear, anger & resentment, all sell you the same gas, toothpaste & war. Rational hope, though, is a revolutionary act. Hope is subversive. 2.) He was at the point in the process of fak...

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1.) Selling billboard space on your church is the epitome of cross-promotion. 2.) I demand a movie about an undercover DEA agent called “Raiders of the Lost Narc”. 3.) Scandinavian smut is really...

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1.) Humiliation via humidity is humidiation. 2.) Your survival guide to the Kentucky Derby will be called “Tiptoe Through The Juleps”. 3.) I wonder if there were any unfortunate discount stores t...

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1.) Trucking dispatchers are semi conductors. 2.) Only horror nerds would appreciate an Eminem parody called “My Name Is (Lon Cheney)”. 3.) There’s no hex in the Samhain room. Oh, there’s Samhain...

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1.) The extinction event for dinosaurs was the Velacorapture. 2.) My president-themed death metal band will be called Brutally Honest Abe. 3.) Let’s stop calling it “the gig economy” and call it ...

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1.) Long before the flood is when you have to give a damn. Last-minute damns do nothing. 2.) Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until next year. 3.) Youtube, it is adorable that yo...

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1.) The way Donald Trump makes you feel about politics is how The Big Bang Theory makes me feel about sitcoms. 2.) It’s a game about finding Twitter neologisms and trying to squash them before th...

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1.) The word “Saleabration” displays a shocking ignorance of both what a celebration is and what a sale is. 2.) Your porn parody of “The Fifth Element” will be called “The Filth Element”. 3.) Mas...

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1.) Two frat boys hooking up often ends in a bro job. 2.) Sometimes you see a pic of an ex with her new dude and you’re genuinely happy because he’s fat so that isn’t why she dumped you. 3.) When...

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1.) Your play about Canada will be called The Regina Monologues. 2.) Female Fremen prefer the term “frewomen” you can’t just go around calling them “the spice girls”. 3.) My flagpole toppers stor...

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1.) Listen to the shattered people groan about the shadow people, drones down through the sideways peepholes, conspiracy, conspiracy. 2.) Remember what it says on the New York City bridges: If yo...

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1.) Your Matt Damon/Jeremy Renner slash fic is positively Bournographic. 2.) I sort of get disinterest in your wife’s reality bending magical powers if you’re already something cool like an astro...

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1.) This Lackluster Video WOW What Indifference joke is really really old. 2.) Everyone’s bad at adulting but it’d be funnier if the term were “adultery”. 3.) The beer poops are fecal alcohol syn...

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1.) Crystal Light removed all the taste with most of the calories and in the end was more just Crystal Meh. 2.) I learned how to talk to the owls, that was a hoot. 3.) Cassandra bollocks. What un...

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1.) Sanity, a jigsaw assembled at leisure. Madness, pieces dumped on your head for somebody’s pleasure. 2.) The hospital was pretty nice to give The Joker braces after all the bad things he’d don...

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1.) Toothpaste contains paste but very few teeth. 2.) If you want Greece to pull out of the Euro, that’s fine, but don’t be a drachma queen about it. 3.) Your tanning bed company will be called ...

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1.) The correct response to that old cliche is “I don’t know, there’s a lot of people at this pop stand. That could take a while.” 2.) THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL 2: THIS TIME IT’S PERCIVAL 3.) ...

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1.) Logically speaking, “boxing” could well have been called “fisting” and we could’ve had “heavyweight fisting champions”. 2.) It took what felt like forever but their plans for simultaneous org...

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1.) The only way to defeat the mutant conjoined twins in TOTAL RECALL is to cut out the middle man. 2.) If you slip on a trampoline and get a big bloody scuff in the pattern of the trampoline on ...

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1.) If you believe Hispanics, Muslims, African Americans & women deserve human rights, you vote for the D candidate. That simple at this point. 2.) My love of humanity is unabated. My trust, ...

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1.) The Ghostbusters make a political stand against discorporate personhood. 2.) All or nothing usually gets you nothing. 3.) When 900 percent humidity you have reached, feel as good you will not...

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1.) Wishes made on pennies are well-intentioned. 2.) If I was going to make an intentionally bad parody song to mock myself, it would be “Order Of The Lonely Heart/Boner Of The Lonely Farts”. Not...

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1.) Schrödinger’s Traditional Hindu Wedding is sari not sari. 2.) When you only go a little crazy, you go banana. You go a single banana. Just the one. 3.) Feeling fated to be feted can leave you...

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1.) The one thing I can say about the Star Spangled Banner is… as least it’s about surviving attack instead of attacking someone else. 2.) Does BitCoin have a convention? Is it called BitCon? It ...

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1.) If your He-Man/Darkwing Duck crossover doesn’t involve Skeletor calling him “Dorkwing DUNCE”, I mean, who are you fooling, it will. 2.) A cameo by Kriss Kross in your horror movie is the very...

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