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1.) America is the kind of place where if you are rich enough and psychotically-delusional enough, you can do anything. 2.) Oh, conservative trolls, you think you’re so “edgy” for dead-naming Muh...

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1.) I am so out of it today and am trying to disconnect for a little chunk of the day to get my head back together, forgive me. This set of nightmares was about time traveling back through the hi...

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1.) In the end, we’re all baby Superman, rocketing away from the dead alien world called the past. 2.) I am the only person who’d enjoy a remake of MAX DUGGAN RETURNS except with Max Patkin The C...

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1.) Working in a convenience store is counter-intuitive. 2.) I demand that Wheat Thins ads star a stop-motion Wheat Thin creature voiced by Wil Wheaton named “Wil Wheatthins”. 3.) 83% of all face...

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1.) They only added “under God” to the pledge long after the fact. “And The American Way” to Truth and Justice, the same. All ex post facto. 2.) Basically I’m hoping the next two or so months are...

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1.) BDSM golf is one of the few times it’s good to be sub-par. 2.) In the nightmare last night, I was at a convention, I was drugged, everything I had was stolen & my hotel room was commandee...

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1.) They offer a thirty-day free trial but there is no guarantee of innocence at the end. 2.) The terrible thing about being human is you’re never completely wrong or completely right. It’s the w...

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1.) I like to pretend the Gallagher Brothers in Oasis were the sons of Gallagher. 2.) The miners’ union is a bunch of guild diggers. 3.) Be careful of electricians who dabble in surge pricing. 4....

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1.) Not a lot of rappers named Norman. 2.) If your drop says you play “the greatest hits” then immediately “The Pina Colada” song starts the FCC should ding you for false advertising. 3.) I prefe...

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1.) The Marvel movies are really just shills for Big Schwarma. 2.) The difficulty with casting calls is you can never tell when they were genuinely being positive and when they were just being ni...

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1.) May you live a life where the phrase “a side piece” only applies to the edges of jigsaw puzzles. 2.) If you’re next in line to check DUNE out of the library, you have mua-dibs. 3.) Disneyland...

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1.) With short-form writing, sometimes you have to know when to not start yet because the idea isn’t clear in your head yet and you’re not going to be able to do it right until you’re crystal cle...

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1.) I don’t think what’s past is prologue, though that’s close to truth. What’s past was effective first-act character building. 2.) Some of us can’t just fall asleep when our heads hit the pillo...

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1.) If you’re gonna get a tattoo on the small of your back, go all in and just have it be the words “THONG LIFE”. 2.) Until you’re naked together, the whole relationship could just be an elaborat...

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1.) It wasn’t as bad as torturing the innocent but The Spanish Imposition was still pretty annoying. They stayed on the couch for days. 2.) Sports Authority collapsed into Sports Anarchy which so...

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1.) Despite the roller-coaster that is self-esteem, end of the day, I can always say… look at how awesome your friends are, you must be cool. 2.) I was never much into Woody Allen cuz if you want...

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1.) Only Nintendo’s prudish family-friendliness prevents us from having “It’s Dangerous To Go Alone, Take This!” condoms. 2.) The nuns of the black lagoon are real creatures of habit. 3.) When un...

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1.) The only thing weirder than being on your old college campus 15 years later is to be there in the summer when it’s empty too. 2.) I think these new glasses are going to staunch the eyestrain ...

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1.) Trump’s potential economic advisers are all like “DEREGULATORS! Moooooount up!” 2.) Build a giant Nerf locomotive and advertise that you need to hire a “software engineer/personal trainer” to...

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1.) Intellect is knowing something’s wrong. Wisdom is seeing whether to turn it around or burn it down. 2.) Let’s face it, even a trace amount of Mackle was too much to begin with, let alone more...

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1.) The best way to understand America’s Funniest Home Videos is to repose the theme song as questions: “America, America, is this you?” 2.) Maybe the orange creature misspoke and intends to star...

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1.) We need a button that erases Youtube entirely just in case we ever meet an advanced alien race of sentient Mentos mints. 2.) Sometimes, when you see a baby, you have to suppress the urge to y...

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1.) A post-apocalyptic vision of the human race overrun by Pillsbury Doughboys called THE WALKING BREAD. 2.) The way 2016 is taking away all the awesome famous people in a manner that makes me re...

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1.) The scientific name for the bigfoot is Awesomelopithecus. 2.) The world is awful, full of hate & oppression, but if we hang in there we’ll get to see this Bruce Banner & Peter Parker ...

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1.) “It’s a celebration,” he said, “we’re drinking the good stuff tonight… SEVEN-buck Chuck.” 2.) Introducing characters in an Arrow/Supergirl crossover would be a hoot. “Olsen? Merlyn. Merlyn? O...

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