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1.) If you believe Hispanics, Muslims, African Americans & women deserve human rights, you vote for the D candidate. That simple at this point. 2.) My love of humanity is unabated. My trust, ...

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1.) The Ghostbusters make a political stand against discorporate personhood. 2.) All or nothing usually gets you nothing. 3.) When 900 percent humidity you have reached, feel as good you will not...

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1.) Wishes made on pennies are well-intentioned. 2.) If I was going to make an intentionally bad parody song to mock myself, it would be “Order Of The Lonely Heart/Boner Of The Lonely Farts”. Not...

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1.) Schrödinger’s Traditional Hindu Wedding is sari not sari. 2.) When you only go a little crazy, you go banana. You go a single banana. Just the one. 3.) Feeling fated to be feted can leave you...

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1.) The one thing I can say about the Star Spangled Banner is… as least it’s about surviving attack instead of attacking someone else. 2.) Does BitCoin have a convention? Is it called BitCon? It ...

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1.) If your He-Man/Darkwing Duck crossover doesn’t involve Skeletor calling him “Dorkwing DUNCE”, I mean, who are you fooling, it will. 2.) A cameo by Kriss Kross in your horror movie is the very...

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1.) Next year will be the 20th anniversary of Austin Powers impressions being totally played-out. How the time flies! 2.) If I were Idris Elba’s agent, I’d have him talk about “his sister Jessica...

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1.) I would kind of like a Cards Against Humanity expansion based on Brian Eno’s Oblique Strategies art strategy cards. 2.) I saw a youtube video called “The Dark Side of Buzzfeed” and I wondered...

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1.) Sometimes you just have to recite the “Tears In The Rain” speech from BLADERUNNER really loudly but with lots of extra swearing. 2.) I knew something was up with Melania’s speech with that “F...

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1.) Your comic book about superheroes who recharge their powers by smoking THE NICOTEENS will be unpopular but very well funded. 2.) In Soviet Russia, stars reach for you. 3.) Two Tramburgers and...

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1.) When you tell someone “you are the wind beneath my wings” you are really saying “welcome to my pit stank”. 2.) When asking where they put the swimsuits in the store, definitely yell “EXCUSE M...

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1.) The massive organ damage from drinking at the Great American Irish Festival in Frankfort is called “Liverdance”. 2.) Taylor Swift was trying to keep her relationship with Tom Hiddleston loki ...

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1.) Humility will keep you sane but holds you back from life-changing action. Confidence, the opposite. Still, one failing I must try the other. 2.) The term “augmented reality” is a fraud. These...

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1.) Your Tori Amos cover band will be called Tori Almost. 2.) When people shorten “birthday” to “b-day” am I the one person who hears the word in my head as “bidet”? “Happy bidet!” you are yellin...

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1.) Internet, you made Chewbacca Mom famous, it is now your mission to go through Pokemon Go videos and find a Poke-Mom. 2.) Sometimes in the middle of “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” I’ll mishea...

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1.) Rob Zombie’s Chinese take-out place had better be called More Hunan Than Hunan. 2.) Time-traveling centaurs! They create a stable time loop! 3.) Your Blink-182 joke is outdated, I’m sorry, a ...

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1.) The fact that he knew he was Bond, James Bond was his quantum of solipsism. 2.) Oz never did give nothing to the Tinman, except a horrifying robot body that he didn’t already have. 3.) Goldil...

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1.) You gotta be doing good because no one else will do it for you, a wise man just told me. 2.) If you’re ever fighting a rock monster in a fantasy game, take the opportunity you have to yell “p...

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1.) LA was bad for me because it was perfect. NYC was perfect for me because in a lot of ways it was bad. Only with time do we learn things. 2.) It’s just that some of our dreams had a bigger lea...

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1.) Why is everyone talking about Poke Mongo? I wouldn’t poke Mongo from Blazing Saddles, that dude was harsh. 2.) Only computer nerds will laugh when you call your mouth your “cereal port” but i...

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1.) We send our hearts out so often now that they never have the time to come back before we send them out again. 2.) Your hip-hop inspired interior design service will be called Tupac Decor. 3.)...

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1.) As there is no sharp uptick in ragged ranters with no ID being institutionalized, this election cycle proves time travel is impossible. 2.) All I’m saying is that I personally would love an I...

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1.) If I were well-known my cover name at hotels would be “James Kata” & bad movie fans working at them would get a kick out of that. 2.) In a more just world, we’d have licensed Spider Man c...

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1.) Sleep the sleep of that which came before the gods in your Lovecraftmatic adjustable bed. 2.) Ultimately, the governor took pity on the acne, commuting its sentence of oxycution to oxylife wi...

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1.) I love puns enough where I think there should be a yearly Halloween fair in Boonville called Booville, I dunno. 2.) Richard Pryor tries to hide his secret identity as a karate vigilante from ...

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